|July 17, 2015
I feel trapped. I am tired of working for the man. I am tired of feeling like a hamster running on the wheel. Running, Running, Running and getting nowhere.
I work on contract. The contract end date advancing ever nearer, like the execution date for a man on death row. I worry about the future and how I will support my family.
I take my kids to school, the highlight of my day. I commute to work, I leave home at 8:30am, arrive and start work at 9:30am. I work flat out till around 19:00 and I arrive back home usually somewhere between 20:00 or 21:00 depending exactly when I left work. I usually arrive home feeling pretty tired and burnt out.
I have my in-laws visiting at the moment. It is nice to see them again after 1.5 years. A momentary respite from my internal feeling of aloneness.
My wife is finishing off her diploma in Teaching. She is doing well and I am REALLY looking forwards to the little bit of extra income she might bring in once she qualifies.
I really feel under a lot of pressure to produce and provide. I am trying so damn hard but every month the pay arrives and promptly disappears again on the bills. My paycheque arrives into the bank, and immediately gets spent on bills, and there is pretty much nothing left over.
I am supporting my wife, three children, myself and I am soon to support my own Mother who is leaving South Africa to come and live with us.
This is not how I pictured my life unfolding. I recall being young, full of hope and thinking without doubt my efforts and abilities would be recognised and rewarded and undoubtedly, I would be successful. It took me a long time to learn that life owes me nothing and that life is not fair and I must factor in the randomness of the hand lady luck deals out. I realise I must take full responsibility for my life, intentions equals results, but it seems so difficult and long to recover from past financial mistakes. It is almost a whole decade since the Global Financial Crisis altered my world and I got caught borrowing too much without sufficient cashflow or any consideration that things could go wrong. I see it now as my greed got the better of me.
I feel like my life is a house of cards, one paycheque away from collapsing. I worry about the end of my contract and about finding another source of income. I worry about how I am going to support my family. I feel exhausted.
We are in the lower middle class bracket and all our friends seem to have more financial resources and better paying jobs and we can't keep up with them. I experience strong feelings of failure and resentment. I find more and more I avoid social contact and withdraw from social interactions. I am annoyed that a lot of them seem to have a relaxed attitude and don't seem to work that hard, but end up working less, putting in less effort and for much more money. This really annoys me. I secretly seethe internally. I resent this and feel it is grossly unjust.
How is it that at school, I worked hard and was near the top of my class but now in life I am below average despite clearly putting in more effort. I am angry at wasting my time and sacrificing for money and career when I could have been enjoying life.
Focusing on career and money hasn't paid off for me.
I see trading as my way out, but I am not moving forwards with this either, as:
I can't seem to save any money and, for futures trading, I realise that the minimum viable account size of around $500k, which feels so ridiculously out of reach. Even for an ETF type of trading account I estimate would need around $60k, still very far out of reach given my debts on my mortgage are ($433k) as of our last statement.
Also, I haven't figured out how I can get leverage with an ETF account. I realise I have a lot of work to do here.
I can't seem to move forwards with my system either, I feel so exhausted when I come home at night. I can't focus, I have the attention span of a flea.
I want to see the kids and put them to bed but they don't seem to want to go to bed and while they run around I can't do anything.
I recall when I had hope, because I was young, I felt I still had time, but as I am now past middle aged, I realise that time is running out and I don't see progress or any way out.
There don't seem to be many jobs around. I find getting a job these days a very tough and competitive undertaking.
Sometimes I can't help but think of my family as a bunch of parasites and I am the host being milked dry. This is not how one is supposed to feel. I feel ashamed when I think this.
I struggle to internally reconcile my responsibilities to my family with my own objectives.
I feel really alone. I realise as I write this, you would likely suggest I need to share my feelings with my family.
This brings up something else. I notice when I try to share my feelings about things like this they don't seem to listen much or get defensive.
In the interests that my miserable experience and existence might strike a chord with, and possibly help others, I feel ashamed. My heart feels heavy. I have an empty, hollow feeling in my stomach and most of all I feel like crying, my bottom lip is pushing out and curled down.
I submit my failures to you and FAQ.
I don't send the above email. I sleep on it and let it rest and percolate for a few days.
My negative feelings wash out.
I add this:
Ed, and FAQ, I feel a bit better, a more peaceful after writing this. Thank you for listening.
I wish you well. I still have hope. I know deep down my family loves me. Perhaps I am experiencing the emotional equivalent of a drawdown and I just need to keep my chin up and keep on going.
I love my family more than anything and I am proud to support them to the best of my abilities. They are the sole things I care most about.
Ed, I am, and will always remain, ever so grateful to you, for all you have done for me.
I feel more energised and I feel a need to get working on my system.
I see a couple of suitable, more permanent jobs advertised that I intend to apply for.
I am sure things will improve, they must!, we can't stay in the hard times forever.
Take care and Best wishes