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February 1 - 15, 2010

 

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Contributors Say

(Quotes from Ed in Red)

Ed Says

Monday, February 15, 2010


Zen and Archery


Mr. Seykota,

As you write:


"It is knowing nothing and nothing you can know.

It is being able to read the markets directly and having no attachment to the ability to do so. It is the sourcing condition for creativity. It is the feeling of feelings passing through, leaving no trace. It is beyond description in words and yet it somehow rides along from one person to another when Freds communicate without words.

When you have zero information, and do not even know that, then there is nothing you do not know."


Over the years, I have come "closer" to this "goal,"....

I have been reading Zen in the Art of Archery over the years, and have seemed to have reached an aha point.

As it pertains to trading, and in really life in general, as written in the book:

"I'm afraid I don't understand anything more at all," I answered, "even the simplest things have got in a muddle....Bow, arrow, goal, and ego, all melt into one another, so that I can no longer separate them. And even the need to separate has gone. For as soon as I take the bow and shoot, everything becomes so clear and straightforward and so ridiculously simple..."

It is both exhilarating, and scary... as if the commitment to this makes me lose the anchors of who I am.

I would greatly appreciate if you have any comments on this matter.

Thank you as always.

Thank you for sharing your process.

 

 

 

In Archery as in Life

 

if you want to get the point of it all,

try being the target.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clip: http://www.scottishsport.co.uk/business/

images/archerytarget2_ss.jpg

 

Monday, February 15, 2010


Going Slowly


Dear Tribe;


I set up my paper trading account. I have a lot to learn and will go slowly.

 
11 hours reviewing IB Webinars.
5 days FAQs
5 days Yoga/Gym
2 investment books read
2 days travel
 

Thank you for your support.

Thank you for sharing your process.

Monday, February 15, 2010


Magazine Cover
 


Hello Mr. Ed

Greetings from [Country].

The Economist issue (13-19 Feb '10) cover shows caution ....not extreme emotion.

Learning a lot from wit & wisdom on FAQ.

I tend to pay more attention to covers that evoke strong emotional response - and may indicate abreaction near the end of a move.

Monday, February 15, 2010


Anger and Father


Hi Ed,
 

From the Trading Tribe directory I see that the Tribe leader in my city is not a workshop graduate. Is it possible to derive much value
from attending Tribe meetings where the participants have only a theoretical knowledge of the TTP ?

Do dreams have a place in TTP? Are dreams a way for Fred to communicate with the conscious?

I have some elementary questions on the TTP framework. In "The Trading Tribe" book (page 50) you give an example of what happens
when one has anger in a k-not, when one does not want to feel anger.


- "You continue to hold down your anger . You turn inward. Eventually he leaves the table - with your wallet, your watch and the
keys to your car".


Oftentimes, people do feel , but they do not express their feelings (for various reasons like conforming to the best practices of society). In such cases, a person is still feeling anger ,but he is not expressing it. In such cases, would you maintain that the person still has anger in k-nots? Or are these situations different?

I have a father who used to be dominating during my childhood and adolescent period. For long periods , he failed to protect and provide for us.

 

As an adult, I have had trouble with authority figures for as long as I can remember and for quite some time I have been plagued by indiscipline in personal and professional areas.


From your experience, do you think making my peace with my father can help me in my journey towards right livelihood?

Thank you for sharing your feeling.

 

Anger is an emotion that informs you about someone violating one or more of your boundaries.

 

Violence is one response pattern that you might store in your Anger Rock.

 

Other response pattern might include, telling your feelings, negotiating, saying no, etc.

 

 

Society Usually Has Rules

to prevent violence.

 

Feeling anger

and expressing it responsibly

is usually OK.

 

 

 

 

Clip: http://www.helenjaques.co.uk/wp-content

/uploads/2009/01/domestic_violence6_1.jpg

 

Monday, February 15, 2010


Actions and Intentions


Ed,

are all Actions and /or Inactions = Intentions??

If yes, so whatever we do or we don't in the now is always our real intention.
 

The Intention of a system follows from its structure. 

 

The state of a system at any moment of now is its Result. 

 

The structure (intention) of a system guides the actions and delivers the current state (result).

Saturday, February 13, 2010


A Kind of Response


Response is what people is usually asking when they make a question.
 

When someone makes a question he doesn't know whether he will receive an answer or not.
 

When you ask and you don't receive a feedback you don't know why and have a new question added to previous one.


When you ask and receive an answer you feel quite satisfied independently from the type of answer, just for the feedback you've had.
 

This is why when you get an answer from a person you deem "kind", "gentle" or "educated" that person.

Sometimes even great traders are kind and educated, sometimes they're not.

Thank you for sharing your insights.

Friday, February 12, 2010

 

Intentions and Results


Dear Ed,

Thank you for your reply to my post

News, Control and Chess
Nov 19, 2009

“In Chess, as in Life, those who really intend to win develop mastery of the subject.”

“Aha” I realize that intention is more than a thought or a desire.

Intention is much stronger, it is a commitment requiring action towards the desired outcome.

I continue to think about your statement

Results = Intentions

I read the post

Intentions and results
Jan 13, 2010

Something very small still bothers me when I think about this.

Perhaps I do not understand, perhaps I am at the wrong stage.

When I compare this philosophy against my real world experience, something doesn’t quite fit.

I explore my thoughts regarding the Jan 13, 2010 post.

I agree one can see a persons intentions after the fact by looking at the results.

I wonder if perhaps there is some data missing. Is this merely a subset of the total intention population?

Are there perhaps some intentions that do not equal results?

The post from Jan 13 uses the analogy of the apple tree seed’s intention.

If I observe the result of the seed that is now an apple tree.

The seeds intention, that is, it’s underlying structure plus initial condition, is to grow into an apple Tree.

But isn’t that every apple tree seed’s intention?

Not every apple seed grows into an apple tree, many do not make it along the way.

We know that all plants produce multitudes of seeds to try to ensure that at least some make it to adulthood.

Most do not because of environmental factors outside the seed’s control such as:

poor soil
little water
pests

I try to find the definition of intentions as I believe I am clear on what results mean.

I find some along the lines of the following:

Intention:

Is your aim or purpose

Is the goal or purpose behind a specific set of actions

Is an anticipated outcome that guides your planned actions

Is a knowing and willing determination or decision to act in a certain way

If I use another example involving the lottery which we know is random.

If someone intends to win the lottery.

If they master the subject of the lottery and are able to accurately calculate the chances of winning and even find a way to increase their chances relative to everyone else.

Even if they dedicate their entire 80 living years towards winning the lottery, they probably still won’t win as the result is random and the probability of winning is very small.

In light of the above examples, I am unable to completely agree that intention = results in all cases when compared against my real world experience.

I don’t send this email yet.

I continue to think about this for a number of days.

I know Ed is far smarter than me, Why when this philosophy is so obviously flawed, does he passionately believe and quote “intention = results”.

I think about living in the ever evolving moment of now.

I have what may be an Aha!

If one stays in the ever evolving moment of now, and if one has an intention, that is, one makes a commitment or decision to act in a certain way.

Our actions and commitment to the objective will keep steering us towards the intended result.

Just as a compass points to north, or as a fisherman reels in his fish, so to will our commitment and actions guide us around obstacles and ever closer towards the intended result as it comes to pass in the ever evolving moment of now.

Is this it? My heart pounds with excitement. I think I might have it.

Is my understanding correct Ed.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

You can think about winning the lottery and you can wish for winning the lottery.

 

The intention to play the lottery includes the supportive structures such as a desire to buy a ticket, the wherwithall to buy it and a ticket vendor.

 

The intention to win the lottery includes all the structures surrounding that event, including the mechanisms for picking the winning ticket and the mechanisms for purchasing the tickets.

 

If you are in a position to assert all these mechanisms, you are then in a position to intend to win the lottery.  Some people do this kind of thing (your brother-in-law pulls the winning ticket and lo and behold, you win the raffle).

 

 

 

 

Thursday, February 11, 2010

 

Mello / Dramatic


Dear Ed,

I recall you during the Breathwork mentioning that I need attention from people; in fact, I consider myself a histrionic (melodramatic and emotional) person. However, I recall my wife paying me no attention and ignoring me, and my annoyance about this. I postulate that I have an issue with <people do not pay me attention>. I fly for two weeks with my children to <city> and visit the local tribe. During the hot seat I am surprised about the depth of the feeling and how nasty it is. I dive into the disgusting feeling as deep as I can and then explode in a burst of laugh. I keep on laughing for minutes.

As I return to <country> my wife is the most attentive person. She asks me several times what she can do for me, if I need something, she offers to give me a ride me to my job (my bike has a flat tire and it is snowing)...

I could adhere to the casual model and observe that this happens after I leave her, or that it happens after I resolve my issue <people do not pay attention to me>. I prefer to observe the changes in the now and enjoy them without judgment.

Thank you for sharing your process.

 

You might consider taking some focus off of getting attention and putting more on giving attention to others.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Working on a System


Hi Ed,

I would like to thank you for the all the work that went into the TSP. I would like to use the TSP as a spring board to further advance the TSP and my trading skills.


I am publishing Web pages to capture my findings as I go along. This is a work in progress. On some of the pages there are links to (http://www.seykota.com/tribe/TSP/index.htm)


I have been using a modified version of the simple exponential crossover system for the last seven years with excellent results.


At recent tribe meeting members pique my curiosity about examining modifications and alternative systems. Many members, including myself have the same feelings raised and responded to on (http://www.seykota.com/tribe/

Associate_Program/index.htm)

 

I would like to spend some time examining my own feelings and documenting results from my explorations. After the meeting I wrote down what was on my mind.


This inspired me to take action.


I have done a lot of testing on the simple exponential crossover system. The testing results are not well organized. Publishing the results and development ideas on Web pages and receiving feed back from users may facilitate my advancement.


I have not found a system that outperforms a exponential crossover system. It is the basis of my baseline for which I compare others systems against -- a Happy Judge if you will.

Thank you for sharing your process.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Insight and Intuition


Ed,

What is the meaning of "insight" in TTP model? Is it different from "intuition", a word you rarely use? If not, what is "intuition"?

Generally, many people who believe in the existence of future define "intuition" as knowing what gonna happen, but it cannot be your meaning.

Insight is clear perception or understanding.

 

Intuition is instinctive knowing - without the formal use of reason.

 

 

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Asking for It

Hi Ed,

I report further participation in the [City] Trading Tribe.


I work for several meetings on my issue “Procrastination”. After going through different forms (from starting by experiencing the pressure feeling during procrastination) I finally take a laying fetal position and experience the feeling of being small, helpless and inadequate. Fred suggests that my mother was beating me when I was in this position as a child. I fully experience form and feelings which produce several AHA's.

I don’t want to feel small and inadequate by trying to avoid this feeling with procrastination during stress related issues. But that only produces the feeling I don't want to feel.
 

After this process I find more inner peace and the urge to procrastinate, even if not fully away, lost a good part of its power. I can see more clearly now how I bring myself in situations that starts the cycle of stress, procrastination, feeling inadequate…

My trading account for 2009 is up about 100%. Most of this gain is due to my Gold Trade in which I could position myself just below the 1030USD breakout and I also found a good exit near the top after I did a good amount of research how Gold behaves statistically after breakout, how many days it performs and what %-Level above the moving averages it reaches before a bigger correction occurs.

My sugar trade went sours last week after carrying a nice profit for nearly two months, but I'm proud that I traded accordingly to my rules. After the trade I was not sad for the lost money (I make mostly 2% bets per Trade) but about the lost opportunity because sugar was a major mover.

My account is up now about 800% from beginning 2004. (in between I had to suffer a 50% drop in capital at the end of 2007 due to not playing the game accordingly to my rules). I made nearly all my profits with less than 10 trades that turned out to be major movers and hundreds of trades that where in total less than break even.

(One good trend pays for them all…)

After resolving my procrastination issue I want to move further to the things I really want in live. I want to be an independent professional Trader. I want to support my wife and my child and to live as free as possible. To go in this direction I want more contact with professional Traders that took this road. I feel I need to do more research and be more mechanical with my trading. I will take this issue to the next Tribe meetings.

I observe some of your replies in the last few months in FAQ contain a “judge”. Urging people to do things they did not ask for. For example: "Find a job!" or "You don't support you family enough". I wonder how that fits to the general idea of TTP.

Thanks for making it possible for me to communicate with you through this platform and all your support that you already gave me without knowing.

Thank you for sharing your process.

 

Congratulations on your trading.

 

FAQ does not tell people what to do.

 

Occasionally I suggest that a contributor might consider some or another approach.

 

You might consider checking the exact working of my statements (this is something you are asking for, indirectly).

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Learning to Save


Dear Ed,

Thank you for your words of wisdom on my FAQ post

Low on Cash
 

I reflect on your words after reading them.

The nature of your reply to my post is unexpected and catches me completely by surprise.

I expected your reply to be more along the lines of "intentions = results".

If you intend to be at the workshop, you will be there.

I feel alignment and consistency between my right livelihood and your reply.

It feels right to pay back my debts and start saving.

It feels right to be more careful where I spend my money and consider whether I am putting it to the best possible use.

I need to budget more carefully and prioritize my discretionary spending.

I think my wife is more accepting of the Trading Tribe after she reads your reply.

It is a stupid idea to sell the car which I do need. I try to do without it for a few days and receive an education in how the bus network operates.

I come to the conclusion that it is inefficient use of my family and my own personal time, although it will save some money.

I also realize that there isn't going to be a quick fix to solve all my problems.

Perhaps I expect to much of attending the workshop, of course there is no holy grail, as you have pointed out before, the answers to our problems reside within ourselves.

I see that I need to commit towards living my right livelihood which is first and foremost supporting my family, I see that attending this workshop would be a dis-service to them at this time.

I do commit to attend a workshop - I open a savings account for this.

I commit to reviewing my budget once a month - I do this the first weekend of every month.

Thank you for helping me to help myself.

Thank you for sharing your process.

 

One simple plan for getting solvent is to take 10% off the top of what you make and use that to retire your debts.

 

Thereafter, buy only things you can afford without borrowing.

 

 

Saturday, February 6, 2010

 

Being the Power and Presence

 

Dear Ed,

Before we come into the human, we establish our purpose for this part of our infinite journey. We don't come to learn lessons. We are the Power and Presence of God -- all-knowing.

We come to the human to hide who we are and have experiences unlike our natural state. Some of us come for short stays and others for longer ones.

We are all incredible. No one is more important or better than another. We are all part of one experience -- the Oneness. Our sense of separation is something we made up.

As for judgment, we use that to keep a belief we have created (to hide our power) in place so that we remain in that experience.

Death is a belief we make up. No one dies. We keep the illusion of death alive by making believe that we cannot see those who have journeyed on.

I have opened the energy hidden in many of the beliefs I have created. The result is an expansion of my freedom and a deeper acceptance of who I really am.

As we all have done, I have come to the human to first create my human experiences by hiding my power. Then applying all of the talents, skills and ingenuity I have used to keep my power hidden, I reclaim the power to fully and freely enjoy being the Power and Presence of God in the human.

 

Playing in the human without any limitations seems to me to be the best game in town.

Thank you for sharing your beliefs.

Saturday, February 6, 2010


Reflection of Pain, Humiliation and Guilt

(see below)


Dear Ed,

After writing my report to you this morning, an interesting thing happens.


I read and re-read my own report. And I am struck by the enormous anger in it.


For the first time I get a glimpse of my own pent-up anger.


Not from the inside out, but from the outside in.
It's a start.

Thank you for supporting me.

Thank you for sharing your process.

Saturday, February 6, 2010
 

Mastering Pain, Humiliation and Guilt


Dear Ed,

It’s a long time since I report on my Big Wave.

My life is taking a whole new course after solving my humiliation drama (and getting rid of a chronic back pain in the process) . I wonder whether YOU like this new course, but I love it…!

When I visit the Reno workshop in April 2009, I bring up the matter that I don’t feel much of anything. Nothing thrills or excites me. During the rocks process, Ed doesn’t seem to target the right issue, although I notice a beneficial side effect in the weeks after; a huge jump in confidence.

In the months after, I keep working on the issue of No Feeling. I do several hot seats, but my issue does not give way. Until I do a guided rebirthing session, outside the Trading Tribe environment. Rebirthing is a form of Breathwork. I have a very powerful session. The insight I get during the rebirthing is so strong that it hits like a hammer. My issue of not feeling is related to the issue of control versus guts.

 

In my life, everything is in control. I take small risks; usually the kind of risk where failure results in a known outcome, not an unknown one. And that is where the problem is. Crossing the line and doing things where I DON’T know the outcome makes me feel my heart, my chest, and my stomach. And afterward there is laughter and fun. Yes, good old fun!

I remember the fun and excitement of my youth. A time of trying and discovering, of doing a lot of things where I don’t know the outcome. For example first time ever on a swing, or on a slide. Or stroking the cat (ouch!). I particularly remember a 100-metre long slide when I am five. It takes a lot of guts the first time. My heart pounds in my chest. I am scared and excited at the same time. When I finally decide to do it, the decision feels like moving through a wall.

As a kid I also remember the excitement of breaking other people’s laws, like exploring forbidden terrain, climbing the monastery garden fence and stealing fruit, making fires, challenging the church sacristan by playing soccer on his lawn, etc. I like defying authority. It’s scary, exciting and fun.

Recently I do something where I challenge my luck, for the first time in decades. I enter a large store, put on a shawl and walk to the exit with the labels still on. There is a detection system installed, and I have no clue if the alarm will sound when I go through. But I am willing to try. I am willing to feel all possible feelings, including embarrassment. Just before exiting, I hesitate. I walk to a nearby counter to inspect some wallets (…). I notice the security guard walking behind me. I realize that my very act of inspecting wares just before the exit might be a common habit of amateur shoplifters-gone-nervous. So I walk to the exit, pass the detection system and exit the building without any alarm sounding. Outside I burst into laughter.

 

I like the taste of defiance! From trading, to TTP, to shoplifting.

 

To hell with the rules.

 

This is MY life!

Thank you for sharing your process.

 

 

 

One Positive Intention of Humiliation

 

is to help align your behavior..

with societal norms.

 

 

If you do not embrace your feelings

of humiliation and embarrassment

might find that society

has other ways

to keep you in alignment.

 

 

People Who Do Not Experience

embarrassment, humiliation and remorse

 

sometimes wind up here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clips:

http://cdn.picapp.com/ftp/Images/0/e/6/f/

Manchester_United_In_f177.jpg

 

http://www.houstoncriminallawjournal.com/

uploads/image/Houston,%20Harris%

20County%20Jail%281%29.jpg

 

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Stomach as an Indicator


Hello all,

January is an interesting month. I have a very good first week of January, quite aggressively long, and then give it all back plus a little bit more the second week.

 

I purge my system, which is something I don't like doing and have only done a few times in my career. I don't like doing it because, in essence, it's not following my system. It's not a margin call, it's a stomach call.

 

But it's not the worse thing either. It's normally the result of volatility in my stocks, and thus PnL, that I don't tend to see in a healthy uptrend but towards then end of a trend.

I notice several feelings from the PnL swing and the purge. I feel <dumb>. I feel <humiliation>.

After the purge I then sit down to do the 4th Quadrant type stuff (Important, Non-Urgent) which for me is studying of charts, trade review, etc. As much as I try I can't focus on it, can't get any real work done. I invite the slightest of distractions. This goes on for about six or seven days and I feel strong annoyance with myself for not getting stuff done. I wonder to myself if this is just part of my process. Thinking of it as part of my process releases some judgment. It passes and I move pretty good into the 4th Quadrant.

There's several things I notice about myself prior to market reversals:


- I feel like I need to get up earlier (there's too much to do).
- I feel overwhelmed with opportunity.
- Heavily on margin, typically I'm the heaviest prior to a reversal. I notice I feel <embarrassment> saying this.
- A feeling that I "should" be in "everything."

To me, a lot of these things are feelings of <greed>. This is something I will to explore.

Thank you all for you support.

Thank you for sharing your process.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes Your Gut Feeling

 

is more accurate

 

than your logic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clip: http://lostcheese.teacherarnold.com/

blog/wp-content/uploads/upset_stomach.jpg

 

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Dealing with Inflation


Greetings Support team members,

My speculative trading account for the month of January is up 0.22%. (i.e. flat, once again!)

If I was to fit a regression line over my monthly trading results for the last couple of years it would look almost horizontal. (think of an ECG flatline)

In 2008 during the sub-prime crisis when most stock market participants get hammered, my account stays static (more or less).

In 2009 during the great recovery when most are making money, my account stays static again.

So far 2010 is shaping up to be more of the same.

And this is not for want of trading activity!

For the month of January quite a few of my open positions are stopped out for losses and many profitable positions take a ‘haircut’ , however since my trading is on the US markets and since the US dollar rallies against my local currency the net result is when these positions are repatriated back into my local currency I make a small net gain. (i.e. a forex gain since my account is in my local currency)

The feelings that come up are the usual culprits – Annoyance, Frustration, Anger as well as feelings of running on a treadmill, not making much progress and general feelings of ‘stuck-ness’.

To put a positive spin on it, I’m not losing money, which is a good thing.

However, I would estimate that the general inflation rate here is easily around 10% (if not more), so yes I'm not losing money (nominally) but in real terms I'm losing 10%+ p.a.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

I note that Bank deposit rates on offer here are 7.5 to 8% p.a. for fixed terms of 5 years . . . . . perhaps CASH might be a good option for me. Taking away taxes paid on earned interest and allowing for the inflation rate, I'd 'only' be losing about 5% p.a. in real terms.

Sounds like a much better deal don't you think?

Thank you for sharing your process.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Moving Forward with the Fund


Hi Everyone,

This is the second report summarizing my progress toward fulfilling my commitment for 2010.

1. Commitment Summary: At the last workshop, I commit to working on my fund starting in January 2010. Specifically, I commit to building out the fund's infrastructure, and to raising capital so that I finish 2010 with $50m in managed assets. To that end, I also commit to completing a business plan by the end of March, and to circulating two reports per month summarizing my progress.

2. Fund Performance: Trend following funds continue to suffer in January due to sharp pullbacks across nearly all markets. Following modest losses in December, my fund reaches a cumulative drawdown of around 5%. For January, we finish the month down about 3%. Though better than most of our competitors, I experience mild irritation at dropping further below the equity high. I also experience some anxiety when I imagine that these reversals might presage directionless markets and a lack of trading profits. In response, I commence research into my next generation system. I also continue to follow my signals without issue.

3. Progress Summary: I use my weekly worksheet effectively. My pace of progress increases dramatically as I complete a number of outstanding commitments.

4. Next Steps: This month I plan to (1) create an draft timeline for the fund rollout; (2) follow up with Ed on my trading plan; (3) contact fund managers and arrange for interviews; (4) refine my internal controls, (5) create a 90-day checklist of additional steps; (5) further clarify the fund's objectives.

Thank you again for agreeing to support my commitment.

Thank you for sharing your process.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Ice Dunes on the Ijsselmeer


Dear Ed,

I recall from an earlier FAQ that you spend part of your childhood in the Netherlands. We have a cold winter here after many years and the sea and canals are frozen over. There are even "ice-dunes" on the Ijsselmeer (a lake just north of Amsterdam). I send you a link with some nice pictures.

I am also very thankful for the light you shed in my life.

http://www.ad.nl/ad/nl/1012/Binnenland/

photoalbum/detail/1/460656/9009/12/

Winters-natuurgeweld-op-het-IJsselmeer.dhtml

 

Thank you for the clip and for the memories of Holland.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Bam, and the Motivation Returns

Hello,


This week is nice. I am excited to start using a friends trading system. This is my first experience trading futures and I am going to trade a simulated account for a couple weeks, during this time I am also transferring my funds around.

I am very productive at the beginning of the week and than run into a brick wall. I lose motivation and keep being distracted. I fight these feelings and try power through it. I do not know what is wrong with me and end up medicating myself either watching TV or wasting time.

 

I try to control my feelings and push on, but it is not clicking.

 

Then I try to experience it on the second night. I realize that this is a busy work week and I keep getting distracted by my work and family commitments.

 

So, I do my work and family stuff first, then bam!!! Distractions are gone and my motivation is back. It is funny how simplistic it is, especially after writing it.

Thank you for sharing your process.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Placing Negative Feelings


Dear Tribe;

Thank you all for your advice and support.
I have been experiencing a great deal of change over the last few weeks. I doubt that this process is finished, and I am sorry it is so messy, but, to me, it feels important.

In the past year I have been studying the FAQs and TTP and attending Tribe meetings and Workshops.


I feel that it is though I were washing away the sand around a rock on the beach. The easily moved sand has been sloughed off to reveal the blackish, hard rock, it is a big nasty rock- all the AHAs of the past year have been leading up to my experiences in the past few weeks. This large black rock is what I've been trying to bring to the surface all year. I have come home to stay at my father's house while he is away. It is just me and the dog and the fireplace. This is a cold location, and perfect for me, I have time, privacy, and this is the house I grew up in, so there are all sorts of memories.

I feel great reluctance to return to my home town.
I feel foolish - I attracted the drama of losing money when I transferred my account.

The failure of my account transfer was a way to get the attention of the Under-Fred. This was my step to a more serious and successful account.

I am loosening up my shoulders and being aware of my posture.

 

I am attending Yoga classes.

 

I am, as always, feeling responsible for the emotional welfare of my parents and family.
 

I am trying to be ready to work on this on the Hot seat - but I am also allowing myself the space to have an AHA - if that is possible. I am guessing that it will be best to have some of both.

 

I embrace and reflect my mothers feelings.

 

I embrace and reflect my father's feelings.
 

I take all my negative feelings and place them in a rock.
 

I am having many AHAs.
 

I am making much progress here. I am taking my AHAs to a Tribe meeting on Saturday.

Thank you for sharing your process.

 

You might consider evaluating your "negative" feelings to find their positive intentions.

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