Nov 10, 2013

Dealing with Cancer

Dear Ed,

Once again I notice how TTP is facilitating my ability to feel my feelings, thus also allowing me to express my feelings more fully and honestly to others.

My cancer treatment leaves me feeling like I am on an emotional roller-coaster. I think of myself as someone who "sort of" likes roller-coasters, but not if they are too extremely scary. Well, I visualize this roller-coaster as having this sign at the entrance:

"Once you get on this ride, you will have no control over what happens to your life from this moment on. There may be glorious moments and there may be horrific moments, and nothing you can do will influence that process in any way. In fact, attempts to control the process or the outcome will usually make things worse. Your life will be forever changed in ways you cannot begin to imagine. Oh, and by the way, you don't get to decide whether to get on; you are already on."

Even as I sit here crying, I know that, while I can't choose not to be on the ride, I can choose to be committed to the ride, and that the ride includes crying as well as laughing and being scared and hugely pissed off and lots of other feelings. I am working toward throwing my arms up in the air as I swoop straight down, even when I feel like I surely won't survive.

Come to think of it, I suppose that Life itself might have that same sign in front of it, though, sadly, we often don't really want to see it I believe that TTP helps us to see it and be glad to see it.

Nov 9, 2013

System Design and Hurrying to School

Hi Chief,

We have a tribe meeting on Wednesday, Oct 23.

We have 4 members in the meeting. I feel different during the drumming. The sound feel simple, stable, clear and peaceful. After we finish, all members report that this is the best drumming we ever have.

During check in, one member shares that he feels distraction from daily chores, including taking care of rental property, so he can't concentrate on more important matters like trading. I identify myself with the same feelings, and I have a few issues with my tenant and the property. And other members feel the same feeling too.

For the new member not really ready for the hot seat, I volunteer to explore such feelings and get on the hot seat to show an example. I ask an experienced tribe member to be my process manager. I tell the tribe that I am making progress on my new job and the management is happy with my contribution and I do "prove" myself. But I feel sorry for my trading system design. And actually during past month I feel blocked and don't have much chance to design my system. I am afraid going back to old rut, which is put the trading research behind other matters and never finish. I feel other part of my trading career is moving forward and I start to reach out for investors. I want to be able to speed up the design. I feel the system design is dragging me back.

Tribe help me to get into forms. I can't remember many of my forms and the only thing I can recall is later I bend over and pushing, punching the floor. Then I freeze and tighten my body. I try my best to get into and crank up the feeling of rushing, hurry, being too late, being behind schedule. I see a unclear face and I feel it's my dad. And it is my dad. I hear he is mumbling some words, impatiently, but not violently. I feel very tired and open my eyes. I wonder what incident it is.

Later I recall one day when I am in my elementary school, my dad and I are walking in the street. I know there is an assembly in the playground in the school and I am probably late. I ask dad to hurry, tell him I am late. My dad says to me, "What's the matter being late for the assembly?" I feel confused and surprised by his indifferent manner.

Process manager then conducts a role play for this. One member volunteers as the dad, and another member volunteer as the other student in the playground. When I talk to my dad, he looks away and dismiss me. I shut down. We role play this couple times to have each role get into his feelings. Tribe agree my mom is the rock donor, or the role model of shutting down. And a member plays my mom.

Then we role play again. Right after my dad's indifferent response, PM call for pause and have my mom hand me a rock. The member says to me this shutdown rock works for her and it must also works for me. I receive the rock.

Then the PM surprises me and asks my dad to give me another rock. He tells the dad this is the play careless rock, when never he feel being rushed. This is something new for the process and I feel immediately that this is it! In this case, my dad also plays a role model and gives me a rock of delaying, procrastinating and show no interest when feeling being rushed. Then I receive the rock.

Then PM asks me how I am feeling, I feel sadness and anger, it's like that my dad print this on me without my consent. Then I feel powerless and helpless. The PM asks me whether I want to keep this rock for the rest of my life. I say no. Then we conduct the "forgiving the rock" in which I return the rock to my mom and dad. They take it back and tell me they love me.

Then we role play again. When getting to the point, the PM calls the dad and mom together and whispers to them. Then both mom and dad come to me, they hold a red heart rock and give it to me, tell me that now I am a grown-up and what they tell me before may no longer works, and they want to give me the rock of sharing feelings. I accept the rock.

Then we role play again. This time, before I rush my dad, I share with my dad that I feel afraid of being late, and feel afraid if the teach catch me, I am going to feel embarrassment in front of the class. My dad tells me that let's hurry up, and if anyone embarrasses me, I can tell him and he takes care of me on this. I feel immediately warmth in my chest, I feel I am loved and protected, I feel wet in my eyes.

This is amazing process and it helps me see what I did by rushing my dad actually makes him shutdown and showing indifference. If I share feeling first, he does what all fathers do, loving his son and take care of him. I feel grateful to the PM and the members for helping me through this realization and owning the new rock of sharing feelings.

At end of the process, I thank tribe member and PM to help me to work on my issue and release them from their roles.

During the checkout, a members shares that this process triggers his memory of his own childhood, when parent and other adult friends dismiss him and push him out of room when he wants to listen to what they are talking about. He realize that they might try to protect him from hearing what he is not suppose to hear at his age.

During couple days after the meeting, I find myself start to think about design issues of my system. And couple days later, I find myself back in the class design, coding and testing. I really don't understand why my dad not wanting to hurry to school connects to my being not active in system design. And I feel good about I don't understand it. I get what I want.

I really appreciate my tribe members and I admire the creativity of the PM and the sincerity of the members on helping each other on building intimacy-centric relationship.

Thanks,

Nov 9, 2013

Intellectual Jokes

Ed,

These are fun (and funny) to think about…

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/50-people-on-the-most-intellectual-joke-i-know/

I can share an experience related to the report from "Nov 1, 2013: TTP and Cancer".

Some three years ago I undergo an urological examination. The ultrasound scan shows a complex cyst in my left kidney. The probability of it being cancer is 40%.

I am shocked and appalled. I face the possibility of a very serious disease and, being a doctor myself, am aware of the risks and complications of treatment.

I call a Tribesman and we have a meeting to work on my feelings related to "I might have cancer". On the Hotseat I work on my forms. I realize that, if it is cancer, I cannot change it, it is what it is. I can accept treatment and its consequences, or not, but it is the reality. I see that I cannot control the situation or the outcome. I experience such a deep peace and elation that I am almost not able to stand up and leave the room.

The next day I have an appointment with a radiologist. As I tell him about the finding, he is concerned. I undergo a CT scan.

There is nothing. The cyst is gone.

As I discuss it with the radiologist, he mentions that maybe the urologist confused another structure with a cyst. Maybe. And maybe the Under-Fred-Network was yielding me an opportunity to work on my feelings regarding control.

Best regards,

Nov 7, 2013

TT Typo / Possible Workshop in Europe

Ed,

I notice the corresponding title of the FAQ entry (Nov 2) refers to "Breathwork", whereas my report is a follow up on the TTP Workshop. I do not attend the Breathwork Session.

On a separate note, I am delighted to learn that you "plan to host another Workshop in about six months." (FAQ, Oct1).

I commit to attend, wherever in the world you might choose to host this. In case you consider the Netherlands, I offer my full support to help coordinate making necessary arrangements (venue, menus, etc).

Nov 6, 2013

Workshop Follow Up - Finding a Compatible System

Hi Ed

My life has definitely been very different since taking the workshop. The other day [my wife] commented that you look so much calmer since coming back from the workshop.

The reason for my writing is that I finally found a system that fits my psychology. I had been struggling for more than four years and in less than two months after coming from the workshop I found one (The system has a historical return of 11% with a maximum drawdown of 19% way within my limit of 25% drawdown, not the most exciting system but something that fits my personality).

It was one of the things that you had mentioned but the important realization came when you had asked us to go through different parts of the quadrant where one axis was risk and the other axis was return. I vividly remember that I was very uncomfortable at the high risk, high reward zone and felt at home at the low risk low return zone.

It made me realize why I was having a hard time settling with a system. I had made some money trading options, then studied the Taylor Trading Technique and developed a system for trading e-mini short term. I paper traded the method for three months and was able to increase a $10,000 to more than $18,000 in that period with about 45% profitable trades. I was miserable when I did that and this wasn't even real trading. After that I wanted to back test the system and didn't know why I could not bring myself together to complete the back testing process. Now I know.

The thing that help me realize why this works for me is that when I went through each step, my gut agreed with every step of the process. I cannot thank you enough.

I have not been able to keep my commitment of not yelling at kids. I do great for a while and then I will get mad one day. I guess the good thing is that I do realize the moment I get upset. Hopefully can get to the point where the spurts of anger doesn't happen.

Thanks for running the FAQ's, I enjoy reading other people's experiences.

Regards

Passing Integrity Among to His Daughter

Ed,

Here is my submission to the FAQ regarding our prior tribe meeting.

We work through a group hot seat where one person in on the "hot seat" and three others participate by acting as rocks donors. The commonality between the four of us is that we all struggle to feel our feelings.

For my particular situation I speak to the group about feelings of rage that come up when agreements are broken or I feel that I am threatened. The tribe leader asks a good question. He asks "why is it wrong to feel rage in the circumstances I describe."

For the past two weeks I have been thinking about this over and over. I think it is part of who I am. I take broken agreements or threats very seriously. I wonder why that is a bad thing. I guess I hate feeling rage but should I not feel something when agreements are broken or when I am threatened. I believe that the feeling of rage can be very motivating for me and I go back to successes in my life driven by the desire to avoid threats or eliminate broken agreements. There have been many successes for me and my reaction of rage may contribute to doing my best to avoid poor agreements or threats.

I decide that rage is part of who I am. I become focused on the next level of evolution for myself which is to become more accepting of people for who they are. I think if I can suffer fools gladly and understand that many people have different views than I do, I will reduce my rage to situations where it is really needed. I intend to ask the group for help in this regard. In the end I will continue to try and not avoid my feelings but understand where they come from and use them to maximize my livelihood.

As is the case with TTP I had a chance to "feel my feelings" and also pass some growth onto my daughter. As a family we went trick or treating for Halloween. The next day my eldest daughter came to me and asked me to sign her assignment notebook (she has to write her assignments down and have a parent sign off that they were completed).

She only has one entry and it reads "Read for 20 minutes". I ask her if she read for 20 minutes. She replies "No". I said that I am sorry but I cannot sign your notebook because you did not do what the book says. Tears begin welling up in her eyes. It is still an hour before the bus and I say that I will sign it if she goes up to her room and reads for 20 minutes. I also say I will sign it if she documents that she did not read because she went trick or treating.

I give her 5 minutes to think about it. She comes back with her book that now reads "Read for 20 minutes - I did not read". I ask her how this feels and more tears begin flowing. I am about to sign when she mutters I want to go upstairs and read. The 20 minutes passes and she comes back down. I sign the book with the statement "Read for 20 minutes" only.

Later that day I ask her what she felt when she changed her mind. At only 9 she has trouble explaining exactly what she felt but I get out of her that she felt bad. I then explained to her that, the same way your hand burns when it is too close to the fire, her brain was telling her that she was about to do something wrong. I see a light bulb go off in her mind as she realizes that she listened to her feelings about doing the wrong thing and then changed her mind to doing the right thing, all without me telling her what to do. I can see her pride.

More than that I can feel the pride flowing through me as passing on some TTP to my kids will serve them very well as they mature. Thanks to the tribe and you Ed for getting me to this point.

I look forward to seeing you on the 7th.

Kind Regards,

Nov 5, 2013

Newbury Tribe Update

Dear Ed,

I write to update you on progress with the Newbury Tribe. The Newbury Tribe meets twice since forming and now consists of three people. I feel a sense of pride at the progress made so far and I enjoy being amazed at how we share intimate feelings, thoughts and forms.

Our first meeting is a "get to know each other and TTP" meeting over coffee and is relaxed and informal. Amazingly whilst discussing what a form is one of the Tribe member's lips begin to quiver. I highlight the lip quiver as an example of a form. My friend experiences an "Aha" and an emotional response follows which leads to tears. We all recognise "Fred" communicating and it whets our appetites for more TTP. We support our friend and thank him for being vulnerable and showing us the way.

Were still feeling our way with TTP and at our second meeting on Sunday we practice encouragement and the sending of thoughts, feelings and forms. I enjoy the experience of sharing very much. We all very much appreciate each other's encouragement. I observe a friend feeling waves of nausea but persisting with the feelings and form. I also observe the quiet determination of another friend who appreciates us encouraging his silence and lack of movement.

My forms are vigorous and I lose track of time – 5 minutes fly by. I feel a gamut of emotions and enjoy some more than others. I notice how peaceful I become as I get into my feelings and move and grunt and stretch and wring my hands. My friends encourage me and my hand wringing eventually subsides peacefully on its own. I feel peaceful and end the meeting feeling calm and happy.

A meeting of nearly two hours flashes by in no time at all.

During final check in we all feel grateful for each other's support. We also commit to meeting again in two weeks to experience more sending, receiving and integrating forms. I feel a sense of peace and calm after my second Tribe meeting. I feel elated that three people in Newbury are helping each other by relinquishing judgement and just going for it. I feel excitement when I think about our next meeting. I also feel worried about where I find more information on other more advanced TTP processes. I realize hard work and time spent reviewing FAQ hold the key and I resolve to find time to do this.

More news from Newbury in two weeks. Good luck with your new book. I look forward to experiencing it.

Best

Nov 4, 2013

Something Just Ain't Right

Hi Ed,

I find myself in a constant state of wonder and, perhaps irrationally, fear about the uncertain future, or more specifically, how and where my system for dealing with it will actually work. I believe this is sourced from my system's poor recent record in dealing with conditions in the time leading up to now.

On a quest for signals about what is happening now and indications of how now looks relative to the non-existent past, I come back to the Tribe.

I read the FAQ and I acquaint myself with the premise of your new book. It feels like it resonates with me. The introduction to your book site:

"Something Just Ain't Right.

That's what you get from the man on the street and from the man running a ten-billion dollar hedge fund. Something just ain't right. This just doesn't feel normal. It feels like falling into something deeper, far deeper."

sits with me.

I read an article from Edelweiss Holdings this morning entitled "The Language of Inflation" which points to a dissonance between the modern usage of financial vernacular and its true meaning and includes this passage:

What is the moral of this story for the steward of capital? Success in the long run requires that thought and action be fully independent from the false ideas of the herd. Yet today's language of inflation embeds so many of these false ideas that the full rottenness of what passes for financial thinking today is obscured. One increasingly reads of capital stewards complaining that things seem more difficult today. We think it's because they are. We are also increasingly mindful of conversations with friends, family and colleagues that reveal a widespread perception that something is very wrong, though people can't quite put their finger on what it is. As we have just argued, we think the answer is that the inflation of credit has driven an inflation of asset prices, which has driven an inflation of future expectations, which has driven an inflation of time preference… and that while the consequences of these various inflations are profound, the new language of inflation which it has spawned is shallow. Therefore, not only is there insufficient capital to ensure future prosperity and insufficient realism to deal with the future this implies, there is insufficient linguistic precision for most people to articulate the problem let alone understand it. And when language itself becomes so grotesquely distorted, how does one go about substituting the customers' unattainable hopes and expectations of never-ending growth with the need for principled and honest action?

The author's point that it is exceedingly difficult to envision a true picture of a condition in the absence of language adequate to describe it underscores the strength and truth of the technology of the Tribe.

I like to share this connection, meaningful or no, with you and with others.

I look for other signals of a nascent trend.

Thanks.

Nov 2, 2013

TT Workshop Progress Report

Ed,

I feel like I gain significant momentum, energy, and confidence through the feedback, support, and encouragement I receive from you.

I feel that I move forward with my project much more decisively when having to work towards dates and deliverables for which I am accountable!

Thank you for your support, and for the time you invest in reviewing the materials that I share.

Please find attached, my November 1st update - with new slides, and slides reflecting major changes since the last version, marked with a yellow highlight on the left margin.

I look forward to receiving your feedback, and plan to share my final draft deliverables with you thereafter, by December 1st.

Best regards

Nov 2, 2013

Pavarotti's Granddaughter, 11, Shares Some Feelings

Ed,

You might like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-LymQnwB5bw&vq=large

Nov 2, 2013

Fire in the Belly ==> Warming Up

Breathwork Report

Dear Ed:

Its been about 30 days since Breathwork! Thank you hosting and managing the event. Maybe I should call this my annual Tribe report, because I have made so much progress this year in my personal and professional life.

The key learning from breath work was that I have fire in my belly - the positive side of which is ambition and the negative side is greed and self centered-ness. The fire when used in small effective doses is very effective, but when it burns too long or gets too hot it is destructive. I have to use water to quench the flames and center myself. I look back in my life and see that I am attracted to water. I have lived most of my life next to a lake - sometimes by choice and sometimes by random events. I enjoy water sports and long for the warm waters of the South Pacific and feel at peace there.

As I look back, I see that I am not the person I used to be. I am warmer and more giving. I am more comfortable in the company of my friends. I do not see them as competition anymore.

I am at a loss for words but just feel different - more grounded - calmer.

Thank you very much for hosting the Austin tribe and the breath work. I look forward to continue our Tribe journey next year.

Nov 1, 2013

TTP and Cancer

Dear Ed,

A process starts for me over a year and a half ago, two years after the death of my husband of 25 years. This process leads me to meeting you, learning about TTP, reading and writing to FAQ, reading your book, and, five months ago, joining a Tribe for the first time.

Words are not adequate to express the profound impact this process has on my life. If someone had told me two years ago that I would be living my life the way I am today, I would have thought they were engaging in science fiction.

My self-awareness has increased exponentially. My confidence and self-worth are on the rise as well. I am more engaged in my work than I have ever been, even after doing it for 35 years. My relationships have become vehicles for expressing and receiving feelings, and for experiencing closeness that I didn't even know I was missing before.

The latest expression of these profound changes in me comes through the unlikely messenger of my recent cancer diagnosis. I have written previously to FAQ about the many deep feelings and the acceptance that I have been able to experience as a result of my exposure to TTP and Tribe work.

Now I have even further amazing news to report. Since becoming more adventurous as a result of practicing TTP, I find myself last weekend at a Breathwork session. Again, never in my wildest dreams would I have seen myself taking the risk to leave my comfort zone in such a manner. Furthermore, I find myself working intensely with my body during the session. Not like the old "me" at all!

This week I undergo another test designed to closely pinpoint the location and size of my tumor. Previous tests have measured it as being at least two centimeters, probably larger. Two centimeters represents the boundary between stage one and stage two of the cancer.

The results of this latest test show the tumor is now only 1.57 centimeters, placing it squarely in stage one and improving my prognosis significantly.

The transformative effects of my experience with TTP and Tribe work, and my experience with you, Ed, have shown that they have the power to truly create miracles. I will proceed with conventional medical treatment while knowing that my intimate connection with my body and my inner self, forged through TTP, will be what is truly responsible for my ultimate recovery.

Thank you, and my Tribe, for everything you do and have done for me.

Sincerely,