Apr 20, 2014

Breathwork Report

Ed,

During the pre-Breathwork focusing exercises, the Tribe helps me locate my issue: wanting to help my son. He has a "bi-polar" condition in which he sometimes acts out in socially unacceptable ways - and occasionally gets in trouble with the authorities.

The solution seems clear (to me). He has to stay on his prescription medications (Lithium, Risperdal, Seroquel, etc.) and stay off his non-prescription ones (alcohol, marijuana, etc.).

Over the years I try everything I can think of to try to motivate him to stick to the system - to no avail - as I again and again (and very recently) find him in the custody of the police and then the physicians at a mental facility.

A further complication has to do with his relationship with his mom, that many, including myself characterize as Spousification of a Child and also Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy.

During the Tribe workup, the Tribe members encourage me to go into my feelings about this situation. I don't really want to do this. With some encouragement, I finally let go and let myself fall into profound, breathtaking sadness. The Tribe encourages me to keep going - and a wall of tears bursts and I feel myself moving with the stream. The Tribe encourages me to "enjoy the feeling." Somehow I manage this as well and wind up, strangely, smiling, laughing and crying all at the same time.

During the Breathwork, the issue with my son pops up right away. I again start crying, without reservation, and allow myself to grieve and to experience the sadness, eventually even enjoying the sensation of it.

At that point, I get the insight that I actually have no way to control this situation - and that I have no right to control the situation - and that my son (now an adult) can conduct his life any way he pleases, including having a volatile relationship with his mother, falling off the wagon and landing in the hospital.

I define a new policy for dealing with him. To the extent he chooses willingness to stick to his therapeutic system, I can enjoy my relationship with him, as father and son. To the extent he does not, I can simply ignore the situation and wait for "good markets" to return.

At the end of the Breathwork, we draw pictures with crayons to memorialize our experiences while still in the trance state. At the upper left in my drawing (see attachment), I show myself, vulnerable and pink inside a boundary. Various people (arrows) approach me. The one on the bottom left makes first contact. Going counter-clockwise, the next shows un-willingness and I don't let him in. The last one shows willingness and I do let him in.

Other insights from the Breathwork include noticing I wish to go dancing - especially to music with a strong beat; I wish to set up my company (fund) more like a gang of hunting buddies; I wish to have more fun.

During the breathwork, I keep going through a cycle of charging up with air, going into a "white light zone," getting insights and then meditating on the insights and dropping back out of the zone.

My sitters sense when I drop out, beat the drums to "wake me up" and this serves to remind me to keep breathing and get back into the zone. I have a notion that the zone operates like a "White Light Desktop" onto which I can drag an issue and watch it resolve.

I wish to thank the Tribe for this opportunity to co-create a place for us to help each other grow and get free.

Post-Breathwork Drawing

Setting Boundaries The one that shows willingness to stick to the system gets in.

Apr 20, 2014

Breathwork Weekend Report
4/11/2014 – 4/13/2014

Dear Ed,

Part of the Breathwork process is the “clarification of an issue”, which we take into the breathing process. Breathwork, as taught by Stanislav Grof, is holotropic, thus, whatever comes up during the work is supposed to be healing and provide growth.

In Tribe we take this a step further by focusing on an issue we would like to resolve during the breathing process. In addition, we work as a group, clarifying our own issues as well as become aware of issues of other tribe members.

I begin the process on my drive to the airport to catch a flight to Austin. I am feeling well, wondering what I am going to work on. My life is in balance. I trade, I support my family, my wife and kids are doing well. We all are productive and have fun, most of the time.

There are many things I would love to improve like making more money, being more patient, being more present, being more organized and so on. I think about this on my way to Austin.

Before Breathwork, I attend the Austin tribe meeting on Thursday at Ed’s house. Here, I support four tribe members working on the following issues: difficulty asking for help, unclear work relationships, breaking agreements and difficulty saying no due to unwillingness to experience guilt.

I connect with those issues noticing similar patterns in my life. I wonder if I want to work on any of those.

The next morning I go for a run with a Tribe member, a friend of mine. We run together quite slowly and I feel like I am holding back. I can really go for it and run faster, however, I hold back for a while to keep running together. However, eventually I decide to go for it and run much faster. I run up picturesque trails with a lot of trees and shrubs to the top of the hill with a great view of the area. I really have fun pushing hard, running fast, but I also feel little bad (guilty) leaving my running partner behind.

We both get good exercise. We are not familiar with the area and there are few different trails. We get a bit lost and run much longer than I think either of us anticipates. At the end I feel tired and joyful, assuming my running partner feels the same.

Later that day, I sit in a circle with the rest of the tribe in Ed’s Bastrop Ranch living room, while one by one, breathers clarify their issues. As it is often the case, I connect with them: back and forth questioning yourself, being taken advantage of, fear of being judged, fear of death, physical pain in side of rib cage, feelings of getting flush in the face are some issue fellow breathers bring to the table.

When my friend with whom I go for a run earlier that day shares his issue I start feeling uncomfortable.

At first he begins with an issue of disliking to read legal documents, disliking inefficiency, however, as Ed digs deeper it turns out to be a deep seeded fear of death. My running buddy shares with tribe that he experiences death of a family member due to a heart failure and he fears he may meet the same destiny. He often lives in a state of strong fear for his well-being, especially during heavier exercise (like our running trip earlier that day).

As my friend is getting into his feelings of “I’m dying, nobody cares” I feel like he talks directly to me. I feel very strong sense of responsibility for his well-being. I just left him behind as I run away, chasing the top. How insensitive of me.

The small sting of guilt I feel earlier that day when I am leaving him behind instantly turns into very strong feelings that I dislike. I feel choking in my throat, hollowness in my chest, my ears get warm.

Ed suggests that it is guilt I am experiencing, guilt from breaking an agreement.

This is an AHA to me, he is right, I am thinking. I see many different life situations flashing in front of my eyes. It all makes sense to me. I see my life being run by guilt. I make money I feel guilty that I am better off; I don’t make money I feel guilty that I am not providing for my family. I work; I feel guilty thinking I should be around kids more. I don’t work; I feel guilty that I should be producing instead of hanging out.

Ed suggests I role play the whole running episode with my friend. I clumsily practice making and changing my agreement with him. I learn to understand that as long as my agreements are clear, I can go ahead, really go for it, even getting all the way to the top.

The running episode has a strong metaphorical meaning. I often feel like I have to take care of other people before myself and then fall behind on my own living. If I ever decide to go for it I end up feeling bad about it.

That evening during breathing, my hands especially my left hand start to hurt. The pain is getting bigger and stronger and keeps spreading up my arm into my elbow and shoulder.

One of the suggestions Ed continues to give us during the clarification process is to see if you can enjoy the feeling.

The pain is excruciating and I am panicking, wanting to stop breath yet I sit up and stick with it. I am rubbing my arms yet the pain continues to grow. At some point I start feeling it in my head and I have the thought – I am dying! I see an image of a snake which bites me. His poison is killing me. Now I experience a lot of sadness realizing I am dying.

I consider enjoying the feeling. Strange idea comes through my mind. If I cut of my infected arm I can stop the poison from spreading and survive. I decide to go for it and give it a chance. In order to keep on going I have to leave my arm behind. I experience sadness and making peace with my decision and do it. Once I cut my arm off the pain goes away. I feel empowered.

This vision is curious to me as I face two of my possibly greatest fears, fear of snakes and fear of losing a limb. I get a sense that I faced them both feel a lot of freedom as a result.

Since the meeting I experience a different me. Where before I hesitate to make business calls fearing who knows what, I now make them effortlessly. I speak with greater certainty. Things are moving forward. I don’t hold back. I also became well organized and am more present. When I work; I work, when I have fun; I have fun.

I focus on two things now, from which both of them come very effortlessly. I focus on what I want and clear agreements. I do not have to force this sort of thinking as it comes to me effortlessly and naturally.

I used to put other people’s needs ahead of mine – babysitting their feelings, trying to make them happy. Now when I feel free to focus on doing what I want, what benefits me, I still think I would enjoys helping others. At Breathwork I commit to start a tribe here in Florida.

Part of me holding back all my life is never truly enjoying myself. For example, I never really go dancing, yet I sense I might enjoy it. I make a commitment to go dancing with my wife. I invite my wife to go dance and she suggest taking dance class together. She is a great dancer and I think oh-oh. She is not ready to let me go loose in the public eye! I am thinking this is going to be fun!

When I meet Ed for the first time at a workshop in 2010 he says: I am a freedom fighter, I set people free, one at a time. I feel like this weekend it is me who got free or at least freer.

Ed, I have a blast this weekend at the ranch. The work we do, the food we eat, the games we play, the Tribe we share, and the music. Thank you for an amazing weekend.

Fellow breathers thank you for your support and courageous work on your issues. You are showing me the way.

Sincerely,

Apr 20, 2014

Breathwork Report

Ed,

Here is my breathwork submission:

I enter the breathwork weekend with high anticipation. TTP comes like a freight train to me and I have excitement to continue my self improvement process. I have excitement about the group of guys who choose to participate. They all inspire me in a unique way with intelligence, bravery, experience and love.

I find the opening night of the weekend exhausting. One needs a high amount of effort and determination needed to develop issues and set the stage for the breathing on Saturday.

I connect with several of the issues presented. I bring up my feeling of judgment and my need for approval. As often occurs a new issue, the need to figure things out, pops up when I engage with someone else about their issue. The true AHA of the opening night for me is the choice to enjoy your feelings.

Our society often labels (or judges) feelings as good or bad. I see the true lesson or breathwork as this: to enjoy all of our feelings. It takes a simple lesson for me to understand this. It is the pre-breathwork activity of fasting. The Tribe Leader talks about trying to enjoy the feeling of hunger.

I go with the trend and listen to him. It is amazing when you try and enjoy the feeling of hunger. The drive to eat goes away. Obviously, food is necessary for life so you must eat but the power I felt when I took control of my hunger was very motivating.

I am able to apply the enjoyment of feeling when the Tribe Leader “comes at me” during the development of issues. I have a feeling in my gut when I am feeling judged or criticized. This feeling is in overdrive when the leader is pressing me but I concentrate on enjoying the feeling in my gut. I realize that on the first night I am working through my issues, even before breathwork starts.

I go with the feelings and everything releases. At the end of the weekend the tribe leader comments on the bravery of the tribe because he challenged us hard. I know he is not directly talking to me but it feels to me that he is and I feel joy. I go to bed the first night feeling exhausted but comfortable.

The morning of breathwork, I awake to the music of a banjo (Banjo.MP$ 6.5 MB) and I wish it would stop. I feel very tired. I also feel excited to experience breathwork. We take a walk and prep for breathwork.

For the first session I am a “sitter”, responsible for the safety of my tribe. I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility to the group. I feel the need to serve my group “perfectly” to ensure that they have a great experience. When members go to sleep I feel uncertain about “drumming” but the instructions were to drum so I drum.

I feel the release of control and realize I am working on my issues even while sitting. I am also amazed by the motivation my group provides by fully committing to the experience.

When my breathwork starts, I am exhausted and a little scared. I start breathing and feel myself drifting off, not really sure if I am falling asleep or into a trance. I begin to see and feel things. My visions include a birth type experience and the need to hug. I also have bouts of extreme happiness and sadness when I think about my wife and kids. I am truly amazed when I am the last person to arise from breathwork. The entire experience felt like ten minutes but in fact was measured in hours.

At the process checkout I feel extremely relaxed. I enjoyed the outpouring of feelings I experienced and see the way forward for me is one of enjoying feelings, all of my feelings.

I would admit, in retrospect, that I held back a bit with my breathing. I got to a place where I was happy. If I am given a chance in the future I commit to going further. I hope the reader does [not] consider this a feeling of regret. I feel like I accomplished a tremendous amount during the weekend. I just want to push myself further in the future. I would like to thank my Tribe for their support. The safety and love I felt during the experience is amazing. The rapport with the group creates a number of new connections for me. I enjoy these connections and the developing relationships.

Since breathwork I have gotten a lot of personal and professional things done. I struggle through enjoying the feeling of filing my taxes but I do my best. I find a tremendous comfort this week and I attribute that to breathwork. Some behaviors I used to engage in simply do not work as well as enjoying all of my feelings. I commit to using these new tools and bringing my experiences to the FAQ and tribe.

Apr 20, 2014

Emosturbation

Hello Ed,

I refer to my post and your reply:

April 8, 2014 Emosturbation.

Since there is no Tribe where I reside, I take the help of one capable psychologist to understand my feelings better. So in reality it's not DIM.

I think of clarifying this issue and so this email.

You might feel surprised that many times that Doctor's message and opinion is just like yours!

When I showed her your book after many sittings, she also felt surprised to read few sentences.

With regards,

Apr 20, 2014

Breathwork Report

Hi Ed,

Its been a week since breathwork weekend. What a fun weekend! Frisbee football was fun, and learning Chinese checkers was a blast!

At the start of the weekend on Friday night we got into everyone's issues and they seemed to all be about 3 or so themes many of them intertwining in different ways. My issue was the fear of a heart attack when I'm alone and dieing all by myself without being able to get help.

Since breathwork I have realized my issue has roots in the fact that my sister had heart issues and because of this I was all "alone" as a child, because my parents were focused on my sisters more serious problems. Since I was a healthy baby my Mom didn't worry about me and I learned at some deep level the way to get attention is to have a health problem specifically a heart problem.

This is clearly a big realization, but it seems to me this understanding of the underlying structure is just the beginning of the journey toward right livelihood.

During one part of my breathwork I was inside my heart and all my red blood cells where in a line dancing like the California raisin commercials. They all had big eyes that spoke to me that they were enjoying doing there job in rhythm, flowing along to the beat fulfilling their purposes joyfully. Then something happened and I was struck by a powerful feeling of fear and all the red blood cells went into a panic their eyes wide and tear filled running into each other trying to go somewhere but getting no where.

Two things that Ed said struck me deeply. The first is the results about people who believe stress is bad for them die before people that believe stress is good for them. I believe it all boils down to belief. I feel like I'm stuck in a mental loop because I'm worried about my heart failing and I believe this worry is bad for my heart.

I don't feel I've escaped the mental loop yet but I at least have identified it thanks to breathwork.

Kind regards,

Apr 20, 2014

Happy Easter

Dear Ed,

Happy Easter !!! Wherever you are … maybe in Bastrop, maybe not, just have a great time !

A hug

Apr 20, 2014

Tribe Report

Ed,

This fortnight we have two hot seats, and we take both of them all the way through the Rocks Process. I can't remember doing this before.

We start with drumming and exercises. Before Tribe we sometimes - like this week - do a "Trading University" where we review goals and progress reports, and discuss trading issues.

I go first. My issue is I keep getting into confrontations with people. You may recall on the way back from the last workshop I had two confrontations.

Of course I am the innocent party in these. But I suspect that somewhere in there, results = intentions. The last incident bothers me a lot. I swear loudly at a driver who fails to give way to me at a pedestrian crossing. He then pulls his car up and gets out and threatens convincingly to "take [me] out." I call the police and he leaves. I feel this has all gone too far.

I invite people to help wind me up to help get the feeling strong, and we go through a long list of similar incidents. The hot seat phase does not take long. I identify a critical incident, actually two incidents.

One involves my parents visiting for a week and my mother's usual approach of praising me highly, how much I have changed etc, then switching to a steady diet of criticisms which gradually escalates to a non-stop barrage of increasingly cutting judgments of me eg. "I can't believe you are treating <my wife> in this way."

I eventually ask her to lay off and at that point my father intervenes with credible - based on his history of violence - threats of violence and injury.

The other incident also involves my parents coming to stay and my mother getting offended when I bring a friend home briefly because another car collides with my car when I am stopped at some lights. I feel a bit shaky and bring my friend home. My parents storm off back to their city because I should have devoted my time to them not the prior engagement with my friend. I never get a chance to explain about the accident.

My tribe members do not realize that I have reached this point, and are debating whether to have another go at the hot seat. After discussion, we decide to proceed to the Rocks Process, reenacting the first scene. Basically the scene involves the mother figure praising me initially, then engaging in escalating and cutting criticism until I react.

At that point the father comes in in full white knight mode and threatens me unless i apologize. The mother is the perpetrator and both she and my father are the rock donors. He donates the strategies of "put up with it as long as you can" or in his words "roll with the punches", "try and get away if you can" - he used to work long hours 14 hours a day and go on extended holidays with his friends - and "react explosively when it gets too much".

My mother donates the strategies of "wind people up but be sure to do it in a way that you can portray as good intentions" and "play the innocent victim and feel superior when they misbehave". I realize that when someone fails to give way, or plays loud music in the train, the feeling of putting up with it as long as you can is just the same.

We re-enact and the feelings are very intense. I start shaking with emotion several times, and have to tell the "mother" "that's enough". I decide to reject the old rocks and we re-enact with me rejecting those rocks and my wife donates new strategies: Receive the other person and experience what they are experiencing; Find the good intent behind their feelings and actions; Respond to people's good intentions. We reenact with the new rocks with considerable success.

Since then I have no more confrontations. I visit my father's grave for the first time since he died 10 years ago and have a kind of conversation with him. I have made arrangements to catch up with my brother closest to Dad to understand him a bit better. I plan to visit Mum again soon and try these new rocks. Perhaps I will say "I sometimes feel you are disappointed in me".

I notice people are a lot more cooperative and friendly. We cross the same pedestrian crossing several times without incident. At another crossing a car fails to give way. I step back and my wife shouts at the driver. I feel a bit surprised - perhaps the driver was having a bad day and didn't see us, after all. I end a six month long flame war on a mailing list.

---

[Name] goes next even though we only have 30 minutes left until tribe is supposed to end. We start with the feeling of being left behind by your father. He also has a business turning a bit sour. His business associate, who hot seat rescued from financial trouble a few years ago has not been at all appreciative, has ripped off their business and will not pay his share of the debts of the business. The hot seat proceeds with lots of encouragement. After the feelings ramp up we look for times he felt like this.

One night he is about 4 (or 6?) with his mother and his sister and they all arrive home fairly late. They cannot get back into the family compound from the dangerous street in [third world country] because of the lock and the razor wire at the top of the fence. His father is on the porch with his hot secretary and hot seat's other brother.

With an arrogant smirk he announces that he has "moved on" and doesn't care what happens to the rest of them. They cannot come in. The mother starts crying to no avail. They eventually wander off and find somewhere to stay, then return to their home country. A few years later the father returns home and hot seat's mother takes him back. She complains about him afterwards.

Hot seat sees this as similar to his situation. He identifies the rocks donated by his mother: Create a situation (and choose people) that leads to betrayal; Use guilt to manipulate people. His father is the original perpetrator. We re-enact this. It brings up the feelings successfully. Then hot seat rejects the old rocks and tries on the new rocks in re-enactment.

The new rocks are: Accept responsibility for my life and my decisions; Associate with people that appreciate me (rather than demand that hostile people appreciate you); Clarify expectations early or up front. A family friend donates the new rock. It seems to work.

We finish tribe late but everyone seems happy about it. We feel some satisfaction at having worked well.

After each of the processes we do a debrief in character, release people from their roles, debrief out of character, and we finally debrief the overall tribe process. Our process improves with practice and with the new members. Some members leave over the last year. Perhaps they don't like the full TTP and sense we are serious about it. Rotating the chair seems to help as well.

Regards,

Apr 19, 2014

Breathwork Report

Ed,

One week after Breathwork I feel optimistic, confused and not feeling like doing the work to get to my goals. I make arrangements to use a joint bank account to pay bills and to set up two other joint bank accounts that we designate for our individual miscellaneous use. I feel I give up some control but I feel okay with it especially after I set my expectations and boundaries.

Once i return home i have an Aha related to my issue and decide to stop a habit that i previously saw as harmless but now i see as serious.

I notice I have issues with my mother and my choice in women tends to exclusively include women who radiate "motherly" intentions. It seems i project this "separation" issue onto my relationships and wish to work at this through Tribe.

Through forms in my throat and knees i conclude my current job doesn't fit with my Right Livelihood. When I think of learning to code my trading plan I feel overwhelmed and dumb. I gladly accept the wave of excuses and distractions that present themselves when I sit down to learn. I feel I am now at a point where my dislike for my job outweigh my desire to avoid learning to code.

I schedule days off in May to take motorcycle class and approach a coworker looking to sell his motorcycle. I feel excited about the possibility of doing something fun for myself that has nothing to do with no one else's satisfaction but my own.

I notice my issue did not magically disappear but slowly becomes a non issue as I integrate what I learn during Breathwork. I feel a Rocks process may help further along integration. I notice how much of the drama related to the aftermath of the issue revolves around me not wanting to face my feelings of anger, betrayal and sadness.

I make a list of two issues on my radar for change. 1.Less pessimism and more optimism, 2.Starting tasks without completion.

Thank you.

Apr 19, 2014

One-Week Follow-Up for Breathwork

Ed,

My issues at Breathwork center around not wanting to feel judgment. I notice that I create walls to avoid the judgment feeling.

This week I notice myself repeating the phrase, “People are going to judge. Let them judge, I’m doing what I want to do.” I also find myself repeating, “If it’s not fun, it doesn’t get done.”

I notice that my posture is more upright and that I’m no longer hunched over, and that I feel taller.

My wife tells me that she gets a lot out of the Breathwork that I attend. She tells me that she has similar issues about judgment and that my Breathwork experience helps her.

I notice that I am happier and that I no longer carry the heavy weight of judgment. I am willing to feel judgment and no longer carry it around: I just feel it and let it go. I can see that I am no longer a judgment magnet and that my desire to avoid judgment has the net effect of attracting more judgment.

I now have the freedom to try new things and have more fun in my life. Fear of the feeling of judgment holds me back from doing what I want to do, and even holds me back from just having fun. This is a huge breakthrough for me.

This week I play ping-pong for the first time with my son at the rec center; I attend a social event with my wife and children and we have a blast and laugh more than I have a memory of laughing at that type of social event. I have fun. I have fun and I notice that I really enjoy myself and my time with my family. I throw an occasional perfect spiral with a football while playing catch with my son. My daughter and I spend a couple of hours together just laughing. My family sits together for a meal and one person giggles and a spontaneous giggle-fest erupts.

This week I meet several new people and have great conversations with them. I feel like a new person: a better, happier person. I notice that people seem to want to talk with me. I don’t understand it, but it’s pretty cool. I feel extremely light as if a heavy yoke is no longer there.

I keep reaping this phrase: “People are going to judge. Let them judge. I’m going to have fun and do what I want to do.”

A Breathwork’s member gives me words of encouragement at Breathwork: “Go for it.” His words mean a lot to me, and the feeling he sends when he says those words is so powerful. I have a memory of the feeling from him when he says those words. There is so much power, love, and strength coming from him and all the Breathwork participants.

This week I repeat the phrase, “Go for it.” And I feel the feeling of really going for it.

It’s all very strange and funny and I don’t want to analyze it, I just want to keep feeling it.

Ed, thank you for being a “Mad Genius.”

Much love to my fellow breathers.

Apr 19, 2014

Breathwork Report

Ed,

Pre-Breathwork: Ed & I intend to forget the air mattresses that we sleep on overnight and lie on during Breathwork.

Friday evening: We begin our fast. We develop strong feelings to "take into" the Breathwork (BW). Mine is feeling "flushed and angry" when I get seemingly trivial requests for research at work. Ed aggressively pushes some of my emotional buttons to "get me going" and develop this feeling (thank you, Ed). We discuss the positive intention of feelings. Here are some notes on that:

From 20 Sep'13 FAQs, Ed writes: "I do not publish a list of positive intentions. The positive intention may vary from person to person and from situation to situation."

Broadly speaking, for me:

The positive intention of sadness is letting me know of a loss.

The positive intention of guilt and feeling "flushed" is letting me know I am not keeping my agreements.

The positive intention of anger is letting me know my boundaries are being violated.

The positive intention of jealousy is to preserve my relationships.

The positive intention of fear is letting me know of risks.

To control someone, forbid them from feeling something or find out what they don't like to feel (say, fear) and then create situations that bring that feeling up (create fearful situations) and offer to stop if they'll do what you wish.

Feelings you aggressively avoid wind up controlling your life as you structure you life around avoiding those feelings.

Saturday Morning: Ed wakes us up with banjo music at 7 AM (Banjo.MP4 6.5MB). At first I think it is a cell phone but the "ring tone" goes on for too long. We continue our fast and hike to Banjo Point. We return and prepare for BW.

We do BW in two sessions so everyone has a sitter to watch over them during their BW. I have another unremarkable BW session: As I breathe I get a "funny" flushed feeling that I don't like and so I quit rapid breathing -- this stops me from "tipping over" and having a BW experience.

Stopping at that feeling is a repeated pattern for me. Interestingly, the "funny feeling" I stop breathing at is somewhat similar to the feeling I want to take in to BW. I recognize that and restart rapid breathing but stop short again a few more times. I have mild hallucinations.

Saturday Evening: We checkout after Breathwork. I realize that the "flushed" feeling I get when I receive analysis requests at work that I don't like is guilt over not keeping my agreement with work: They pay me well, I do as they ask. When I balk at research requests I am breaking the agreement and I feel "flushed" and guilty about it. Until I negotiate another agreement, I should keep this one.

Sunday Morning Checkout:

(1) I commit to feeling the "flushed and angry" feeling I get at work when someone asks me to do what I feel is a trivial & annoying chore.

(2) I commit to honoring the agreement I have at work: "They pay me well to be their analyst; I do the analyses they request."

(3) I commit to following up to FAQs on my Breathwork 1 week, 1 month, & six months later.

(4) I commit to doing more realistic back tests on my systems.

(5) I commit to "going for it" in the next Breathwork: feeling that "funny" flushed feeling and continuing to hyper-ventilate until I "pop the feeling" and "tip over".

This week: I get a few "trivial" requests at work. During the first, I honor my work agreement and there is only a tiny and transient "flushed and angry" feeling.

Later, a more difficult and more time consuming request comes to me. Again, I feel "flushed and angry". Then I remember to experience, enjoy, & "dive in and out" of this feeling. I do so and it dissipates somewhat. I come up with constructive approaches to dealing with this research request and easily move on.

A day later, I notice that, while I may not fully "like" the feeling, I am better at "just noticing it" then getting back to work. Twice this week I notice strong sexual content in my dreams. I also notice I am skipping less important tasks; perhaps this is an improvement in my "perfectionism".

Apr 19, 2014

Breathwork Report

Hi Ed,

Thank you again for the past weekend. It happened to be my birthday and it was the best birthday gift I ever got.

Report:

First of all thank you for hosting the breathwork workshop. I will have to say that is most profound experience I ever had. I wanted to thank everyone in the workshop as their support helped me in going through this process. I would have to say I was a little bit anxious and nervous regarding the whole process but [Name] coming and telling me to go for it just before the process helped me experience the emotions a lot better.

Here is my summary of the whole process:

The night before everyone talked about the issues that they are going to work on during Breathwork. My issue was that I can never completely trust people. I always felt that people take advantage of me. I also had a very hard time getting close to people. My wife is the person I trust the most but I always had this fear that she is going to leave me even though she never showed me any signs of doing that.

In trading, whenever I would look at a chart to put in the order, I would feel tightness in my chest that if I put in my order showing my stop my stop will be hit. In a number of trades the price will just go up to my stop and then go in the original direction that I thought and it reinforced my belief that if I put in a stop order, someone will see it and take advantage of it.

During the breathwork process, I started breathing heavily. After what seemed to be about 15 minutes, I could feel a tingling sensation in my mouth and arms.

After that the picture of my dad in his room came up. I could see him in his bed almost dying. My dad had died on Christmas day in India this year.

I was here in the US when the news came at night, it was Christmas morning here. My kids were all excited about their Christmas presents and I did not want to take away their enthusiasm by my own grieving.

Then I went to India and tried to be strong so that I can be a support to my mother. So I really did not grieve his death. During the breathwork all the emotions came out, I don’t know how long I cried. After that I felt a bit relaxed, though I did not feel everything was over. So I kept breathing. With the music I felt the need to dance.

I was seeing myself in an ancient Tribe dancing to the rhythm of music. That changed into a scene of walking through your ranch which again changed into a scene of me performing in a large audience. I saw myself as Elvis Presley performing in front a huge crowd and night wearing all glittery clothes (something I would never wear in my conscious state).

As the music changed I started having the same tingling sensation in my body as I had the first time. Now I saw myself as a little kid going to the boarding school. This was the first day my parents dropped me at the boarding school. I was crying and telling them (in Bengali), please don’t leave me here, I will be a good boy. I had two school nannies holding me and not letting me go. I could see my parents walk away and the nannies holding me tight so that I cannot run after them.

I probably cried for what seemed to be an hour. Then I saw my kids, I felt such a strong love for them. I saw my wife and I told her you are the one I trust the most in my life and tears of joy flowed through my eyes. Once all my emotions had gone I felt so relaxed, I had never felt this relaxed ever in my life.

What amazed me regarding the second part, i.e. seeing myself in the hostel was that I was sent to a boarding school 1978, more than 35 years ago and that situation was still affecting my life. After I came back from Austin, I had noticed two things:

1. I don’t feel the fear that my wife will leave me.

2. I don’t see feel tightness in my chest when I look at charts anymore. I feel more relaxed in analyzing them than I have ever been.

My commitments were:

1. Following my system or rather sticking to one system, which is currently using the Dow Theory for long term trading (after your suggestion to [Name], I am going to look at entering the system at different times and see if my initial pattern holds) and using pattern recognition and Elliott wave theory for my intermediate trend trading. Most importantly, I will follow my trading checklist.

2. Fast once a week, i.e. have a fruit, nut, and milk diet. I realized the goal is to go back to my ideal weight and since you have the same goal, I will share my weight each month with you (if that is OK with you).

I wanted to share you my past experience, in case if helps you. I had been very successful following a mindful eating program (this is not a diet plan, just the approach I came up with for two and half years (Jan. 2010 to June 2012). The approach was simple – I will plan my meal each week. There were two rules – (i) no rice & soda and (ii) take three deep breaths before eating anything.

I was amazed at how much the body tells you when you pause and listen to it. It helped me get over times when I am just distracted and eat mindlessly.

In June of 2012, my mother-in-law had come to visit us for six months. She would cook the types of food that I like and mostly the things she cooked will go well with rice. So I thought, she is here for six months, I can break my system for now and will get back once she leaves after six month.

I realized that once I break a system for a long time it takes a while to get back to it. After coming back from the breathwork I have committed myself to get back to it again. I have put in my weigh chart below to show you my progress (my goal had been to maintain my weight at 160 +/- 5 lbs)
Thank you again for everything. This weekend’s experience has made my life a lot better.

Weight Jan 2010 - Jan 2014 Scale {140 to 200 pounds}. Ideal Weight = 160 pounds (dash line).

Apr 19, 2014

Paying it Forward

Dear Ed,

After I have started feeling my feelings amazing insights are coming all the way. Particularly about the way I behave. Thanks to your guidance.

I usually do not like getting bills. This has direct connection with my childhood when money is scarce.

Hating to receive bills of any kind has forced me to pay bills in advance.

In some cases for so so so many years till 2033! Yes till 2033 membership of clubs and Resorts.

I actually by not feeling my feelings about my expenses hate to receive bills. So the only way I find is to pay them in advance whenever opportunity arises. I now know it's not rational. But that's the way I like to feel!

I remember Jesse Livermore's book.

Suppressing feelings is not good.

Feeling them is the way.

Thanks again for guiding.

April 17, 2014

Silenzio

Ed,

You might like this clip.

Melissa Venema solos in this annual event in Holland - commemorating the Dutch liberation in 1944.

http://www.flixxy.com/trumpet-solo-melissa-venema.htm

Apr 17, 2014

Austin Tribe Report - a Weighty Matter

Ed,

In my Tribe Commitments, I include caring for myself, especially in the matter of my heath - and particularly in getting my weight in proportion to my height.

I conclude that I use eating as a way to medicate feelings I don't like, such as the feeling of having to confront people in negotiations, the feeling of losing money in the markets - and also weariness and boredom.

I draw inspiration from my fellow Tribe members as they muster the willingness to confront their feelings and to share them rather than suppressing them and resorting to medicinal behavior.

In the matter of confrontation, I now find myself moving directly forward, sharing my feelings with the "party of the other part" and working together to find a way forward that works for both of us. No more need to knock myself out with food on this one.

In the matter of losing money, I review my stops and my risk and mentally "write it off" at the inception of the trade - and then kick back and let the markets handle the stress. I have my risk within my volatility tolerance so I can stay in touch with my portfolio and adjust risk without having to dull my senses with the three major food groups (potato chips, ice cream and Jelly Bellies).

I notice that as I lose weight I feel more energy and I feel like getting outside, working in the yard, walking behind the lawnmower. Also, I now prefer walking to the post office rather than driving.

Size-wise, I now have my 40-waist and 38-waist pants in bundles with twine around them. I have a couple pair of 36's from the old days that fit pretty well again.

Some new feelings I notice include some cramping in my arms and legs, especially at night. I learn to treat these by balancing my protein / fat / carbohydrate ratios - and with making sure I drink enough water and get enough potassium, calcium and magnesium.

I also notice that when I have a big meal (like I recall prior to making this commitment) I risk getting sick - as my stomach now seems to prefer smaller meals.

I wish to thank my Tribe for supporting me in this and for holding me accountable.

Down Trend in Pounds

38's and 40's

Apr 17, 2014

Austin Tribe Report

Dear Ed:

On my way to the tribe meeting my cell phone battery died. I had an extra battery backup but it takes a few minutes charge.

I got to the Tribe meeting about 2 minutes ahead of time but it was a close call. I realized that when I use the GPS functions on my cell phone, the battery can drain out rapidly.

So I have to create a new rule to start charging my battery before it gets low.

It was good to meet the Tribe members some of whom I have worked with for several years.

As we worked through issues, I realized that I was hot, but I had worked before - so I preferred someone else take the spot.

The main theme we worked on was one of guilt. Several members identified with the feeling of guilt.

The person on the hot seat recalled an incident when he was young - he accidentally shot his cousin with an arrow while they were playing.
The cousin complained to his mom who then complained the the hot seats mom who then talked to her son.

The person in the hot seat felt guilt about this - and felt obligated to keep helping the cousin even though many years had passed. This feeling of guilt pervaded the person's life. As a result, he was supporting a lot of people to medicate his feelings.

We went through the rocks process and the person now shared his feelings with his cousin when he shot him accidentally. The change was quite pronounced. They were able to make up and the cousin said it was not serious. In sharing feelings the entire drama was avoided.

I looked into myself and noticed that I don't feel guilt. The positive intention of guilt is ethical behavior. I am very ethical in what I do, but I do this out of logic rather than emotions. I keep my agreements and my promises. I wonder why I don't feel guilt or remorse. Then I realize I do but these feelings are overpowered by my logic.

However, I notice that my relationship with my wife has some qualities that I am not happy about. I wonder what not feeling guilt has to do with it.

It's not making sense to me but I will continue to explore this further with the Tribe.

Apr 17, 2014

April 10th Austin Tribe Report

Ed,

I am a guest at the Austin Tribe meeting. I fly in from Florida. I feel good. I feel I have no pressing issues right now and am excited to see Ed again and meet the tribe. There are familiar faces and some new ones. I am happy to see the familiar ones and happy to meet the new ones. I feel relaxed and happy to be there. I cannot think of any pressing issues bothering me at that moment.

After drumming, four members are hot with their issues. The first one describes a situation at work. He manages to delete some stuff from company computer and then cannot ask for help to fix it.

The second member has a an issue with a co-worker and management. He feels threatened by his co-worker when management asks them to work on a problem together.

The third Tribe member loses money for his clients by not doing what he agrees to do – following a clear cut plan. After some digging Ed finds an issue related to breaking stuff and agreements.

The fourth member is a successful trader who experiences guilt when he is asked for money and favors from his family. He constantly works on fixing his family members and relationships which puts a lot of pressure on him.

As members share their feelings, I feel a connection with each member's issue.

Like the first tribe member, I too am sometimes unwilling to ask for help, especially if I mess something up. I feel warm in my face, ears and chest. I can’t look into the eyes of those I need to share the mess up with. I often connect this feeling with embarrassment but there is also guilt, as I feel I did something wrong.

Like the second tribe member, I too sometimes feel threatened by a skilled co-worker and confused by unclear direction of management. Feelings of being unsure, inadequate, and threatened come up. I also feel guilty. The feelings are harder for me to bring up. It is nervousness all over, lack of focus, I am withdrawn and my mind is racing over different scenarios.

Like the third member I sometimes feel like I am not keeping my agreements. The overriding feeling here is guilt. I feel warm in my face and chest and can’t look in the eyes. As a trend-follower, I feel I am not delivering on the promises I made to my clients and myself with luck luster returns the last few years. As a provider for my family I feel guilty if we can’t afford something. As a matter of fact, I constantly feel guilty. If I am in the gym, I feel guilty that I am not with my family. If I am with my family, I feel guilty that I am not working. If I am working……well, you get the picture.

The fourth members issue is also familiar to me. When I start my trading business five years ago, I have two family members on my payroll getting paid long before I ever am. At the same time, I am going into debt. Unwillingness to feel guilt can be expensive – I know that way too well.

Although before the meeting starts I don’t know what to bring as an issue, I am all in the process once four tribe members share their issues. I can always count on good old Tribe. Magnificent!

Ed, as is often the case, skillfully connects compatible participants into roll-plays. Each member goes through the rock process with support and gentle suggestions of the tribe. We have good time with it.

As an example here is the first rock process.

The first tribe member gets to travels back to his childhood. While in the process he recollects how his mother would send him to his father to fix his stuff like a little projector he had. His father would always make things worse and break his stuff in an attempt to fix it. Ed used tribe member number three (the one who doesn't like to break stuff) to roll play his father. After some back and forth and coaching from Ed, the first tribe member gets a hang of declining his father’s help, who he knows would break his stuff. Instead he learns to ask for help of a professional.

I get a lot from this process. I often elect to not ask for help even though I know I need it. I feel like I also have gained the new resource. To me this is the essence of the tribe work. We all work together, support each other and resolve issues together as well, no matter who is the working man in the middle.

We work late into the night hours and the other three processes follow similar paths. Tribe members forgive their old and receive their new rocks.

I feel very thankful to all the tribe members, but especially to you Ed. Your work has a strong impact on my life and the lives of people around me like my wife, children and friends. I just wish I can express this better, as the words just do not give it justice – how much I appreciate your work. I feel like I have a guide, a friend, a companion for life – in you. You are so kind and gentle and supportive. I feel blessed to have you in my life.

Apr 17, 2014

Austin Tribe Report

Ed,

Before the April 10th meeting I make a note that I get uptight when I get requests for what I think are "whimsical" requests at work ("seem to be whims, not 'serious' "). Also before the meeting, I am surprised to welcome a tribe member who is not allowed to attend meetings per the April 7th "broken promise image" post to FAQs. I assume that he has reconciled the issue. Then Ed appears and tell the other Tribe member that he can't stay. An awkward silence ensues. Ed tells him to read the FAQ post which he does, apparently for the first time; then he leaves.

We check in and I report that I have accomplished my first goal for this series of meetings: reproducing the Dual MA Trading Systems Project (TSP) to the penny.

I commit to starting my 2nd goal: the TSP Support. I report that instead of losing weight, my 3rd goal, I have gained it.

We discuss the tribe member who was asked to leave the meeting. Ed reviews the Tribe agreements: arrive on time, participate fully, post a follow up to FAQs within one week. Keeping agreements is how the Tribe works. Those who don't keep their agreements drain energy from the Tribe. Strong participants raise the level of each Tribe member (What level? Energy? Emotional well-being?)

Ed asks who has something to work on and a member (hot seat, HS) speaks up. Ed, the Process Manager (PM), talks with HS about sadness after HS's father passes away. His father was all alone, so to speak. HS is sad and breaks down sobbing. HS recalls several episodes of breaking his father's things when he was young. PM remarks that HS also broke the window latch at Ed's house after last Tribe meeting. HS talks about trading poorly.

I'm confused. I want to suggest that HS practice basic risk management with stops and position sizing. But PM says HS is a BS'er. PM asks HS "are you willing to tell your clients you have no system and you need to stop trading and develop one?" Eventually, HS agrees to build an intimacy-centric, honesty-based relationship with clients.

Second HS has dad with Alzheimer's and can't handle visiting with him. HS has a feeling of helplessness: he can't help his dad and that dad is not there to be a mentor. HS feels guilt at his success and sadness and anger for his dad's illness.

The positive intention of guilt is letting you know you are out of sync with your ethics.

The positive feeling of sadness is letting you know of a loss.

Guilt is the HS's organizing principle. He attempts to analyze it but this isn't a rational process. Then, with the Rocks process, HS "fore-gives" the "guilt and endless indebtedness" rock to his mom and replaces it with a heart rock.

Note: Learning How To Do Better Back Tests: Per Ed's suggestion, I re-read Jack Schwager's Hedge Fund Wizards (and I enjoy Ed's foreword) and I order & start reading Perry Kaufman's huge book on Trading Systems & Methods.

Apr 17, 2014

Austin Tribe Meeting - Karmic Radiations

Ed,

I take the hot seat first. I have a problem with my animation software. I say, “I hate asking for help.” That is my issue. I get into forms and recall a time when I receive a Christmas present I like very much. It’s a toy projector that shows cartoons. However, the film becomes twisted and I can’t fix it. I tell my mother about it and she tells me to take it to my father. I take it to him and he takes the projector to another part of the house. He comes back and says the film is broken. I feel sad and shut down.

We role-play this same situation in Tribe. My mother told me that I am not competent enough to fix it or find someone who can repair it on my own. She tells me to take it to your father who always breaks things. We role-play again but this time I share feelings and refuse the rock from my mother.

This is the rock of giving up and thinking that I am not competent enough to take care of things myself. By refusing this rock I also refuse the rock of shutting down. I show my projector to my father and set a boundary with him about not breaking my personal property. However, I maintain my rapport and love for him. I then take my broken projector to a repairman.

After I feel comfortable with his abilities I let him work on it. We also agree on a price. I go back home to break my piggy bank so I gladly take it to my father to break since he enjoys breaking things. I take the money and pay the repairman. I enjoy getting my fixed projector back. I feel a great feeling of confidence in myself after this process. The next morning I notice that the software company responds to my post and they tell me how to fix my software. The karmic radiations from Tribe still astound me.

Another Tribe member has an issue with relatives asking him for money since he is doing well financially. He gets into forms and remembers a particular time in childhood. He is in a tee pee with his cousin. He accidentally shoots an arrow toward his cousin and he becomes scared. The cousin runs and tells his mother what happened. The mother confronts the Tribe member’s mother who in turn scolds him. During the second role-play he and his cousin share feelings after he shoots the arrow and the situation deescalates. He also role-plays with a relative who wants to sell him soap. He shares his feelings and refuses while maintaining rapport. I can relate because my mother asks me for money. I feel very irritated about this.

I realize from these two processes that it is important to maintain rapport, respect and love for the other person while setting boundaries.

Previously, I never particularly enjoy writing these reports. However, I realize now I get even more out of Tribe as I write them. After my experience, I get new insights and feelings. I gladly share what I learn now.

Apr 16, 2014

Austin Tribe Report

Ed,

We begin the meeting with a bit of a change in the group. Some members are sitting in and one member has left the group.

We share feelings about the member leaving and I notice how important the group is to me. I have long been a do-it-myselfer but I find that the group provides an environment where we can display accountability and share feelings openly. My life improves going with this trend and I intend to keep riding. I am happy that others share in these feelings.

We begin addressing issues. The issue of fathers becomes the theme of the evening. I connect with each of the hot seats in one way or another. One tribe member has a father who "fixes" things, one member has regrets about things unsaid or undone prior to his fathers passing, another member has difficulty dealing with his fathers decay in health and the impact of that decay on the family.

During the hot seats, I go through periods of spacing out and I think about my father and my son. Emotion swells within me. Feelings of joy, fear, and guilt all come up.

I realize the impact that my father has had on me. I want to share feelings with my father more than I have in the past. I realize I have held back because my father does not openly share feelings. I also feel joy when I think about my son. I have an amazing opportunity to spend quality time with him. I make a mental note to enjoy this more. Since the meeting I find myself much more energized to play with him or read to him. I really appreciate the Tribe opening my eyes to this.

The first hotseat has a broken toy that means a great deal to him. He takes it to his father even though he fears his father will break it. We conduct the Rocks Process and he changes his behavior by sharing his feelings of fear about his fathers fixing skills. He also shares feelings with his mother and negotiates a clear agreement with someone who agrees to fix his toy.

I find the sharing of feelings very well done but I have a feeling that the hotseat has an issue that did not come up. I wonder why he takes his mother's advice and gives the toy to his father when he knows he will break it. I mention this during check out and continue to wonder if this issue will come up again in our series.

The chief puts someone on the hotseat but we do not conduct a Rocks Process. This hotseat has a great deal of feelings about his fathers death. Since his fathers death, his trading has been poor. He shares feelings of guilt about not "believing in" his father more while he was alive. I see this guilt as something that causes self-destructive behavior in his trading. Others in the group feel he likes to break things.

Either way, I find it hard to pin down the exact issue as the hotseat struggles to display willingness. I feel we will spend time on this in future tribe sessions.

The final hotseat has an issue with his family due to circumstances around his ill father. Feelings that he "owes" family and guilt about not being excited to see his immobile and mute father. I have a deep connection with this hotseat.

I often feel I want to take care of my family. I also can understand the feeling associated with seeing someone who reminds us of our fragility and mortality. I am reminded of the basics of TTP. When you do not know where to go, go back to sharing feelings and accepting. I often choose to not share my feelings with family to protect their feelings. I find this ridiculous. Sharing feelings with the ones closest to you makes sense but often you find it the hardest thing to do. I find comfort that others in my tribe share these struggles.

With the large impact fathers have on our lives, it seems appropriate that there are a large number of connections in the group. I leave the meeting with a deeper desire to share feelings with my father and my son. I cannot ask more than that.

Regards,

Apr 16, 2014

Austin Tribe Report

Ed,

Tonight’s meeting seems unique.

To start, a tribe member arrives for the meeting after being told through FAQ he may not attend any more meetings in the series as a result of an ‘Interface Agreement Fail’.

Nor did he read your personal email to him before driving eight hours in his car. He reads your email on his hand held device at your door. The situation is awkward to me. I feel awkward, uncomfortable, sadness and disbelief.

After he leaves, I wonder how he responds to the situation. Drive immediately home? Get a hotel room? Get a drink? I bury my head (and likely feelings) in the pizza ordering process. That is what I did as a child. I buried my head in my books at the table. I order pizzas and the process seems smooth.

We have two guests at the meeting. The meeting starts with drumming. I feel our tribe drumming improves from the first meeting. The guests introduce themselves and I feel an immediate connection to them. We check-in our feelings after drumming. We share our feelings about our fellow tribe member and interface agreement fail. To the group I report only feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I leave out sadness, disbelief and wonder. After sharing any feelings we want, the issue dissolves and the meeting progresses.

We share progress on our goals. I feel uncomfortable reporting my progress. I feel I do not like the idea of people knowing what I am doing – at least until I have it all settled in my mind or I have a high level of trust in them. I like to keep them in the dark and guessing. I like my privacy.

Ed reports one of his goals has been achieved – getting paid to play the banjo. He reports receiving a gift certificate for coffee at a recent speaking engagement where he played his banjo. I feel empty as I do not understand. To me, he received the gift certificate because he spoke, not because he played the banjo. I now understand the interconnection between the banjo and speaking engagement.

While discussing issues brought to tribe, one member reports the death of his father. He is very emotional. He sobs and expresses sadness and overwhelming guilt. I feel sadness for him as I recall recent deaths in my family. Ed continues to discuss the issue with him and he states he is in a draw down with client money.

Ed follows this and is unable to get straight answers from him. As this progresses, the tribe member remembers breaking his dad’s bonsai tree and covering it up. Ed reminds him he broke a window latch at the first tribe meeting. Ed says he likes to break things to get attention. Ed suggests he learn to enjoy breaking things to break the pattern and suggests dishes. Tribe member states he is uncertain he can break dishes. He does commit to fixing his trading issue.

First hot seat has deleted some software icons while working on his goal. He has trouble asking for help. He shakes his head a lot. Heat turns up and forms appear. He recalls a childhood experience with jammed film in a projector. He takes the projector to his mom for help and she instructs him to take it to his dad. We role play the experience. Hot seat does not want to take the projector to his dad. His dad breaks things. Against his will and better judgment he takes it to his dad.

His fears come true as his dad breaks the projector. He always complies with what his mom wants to do. After a rocks process, we role play a new scenario. This time he tells his mom he wants to take the projector to someone else to get fixed. He does just that and finds he needs money to get it fixed. He asks his dad for help to break his bank to get the money. His dad enjoys breaking his bank!

Second hot seat has an ill father in professional care. He has difficulty visiting him. He has difficulty not visiting him. He is uncertain if his father is aware he is there when he visits. He is emotional. He ‘lost’ his sister too. I feel sadness for him as I recall my dying brother lying in a coma in ICU. I never told my brother goodbye. I cry while writing this. I missed my chance. I left him to take my parent’s home. He was taken to ICU overnight.

I feel for hot seat and wonder if he struggles with the same. Hot seat expresses sadness and guilt. Ed says sadness is an early warning signal for loss and discusses various cases of guilt.

The heat turns up and hot seat is unable to locate a form. Ed goes with the feeling of not being able to locate a form. Suddenly hot seat feels a form and it develops.

He recalls a childhood memory where he accidentally injures his cousin while playing. We role play the experience. His injured cousin runs to his aunt who goes to his mom and stokes things. His mom scolds him and makes him feel guilty for injuring his cousin. He has to fix things with his cousin. After the rocks process, we role play again. This time he tells his cousin he is sorry and asks him how he feels rather than trying to fix him. After some whimpering, his cousin tells him he is hurt, mostly surprised. He thinks he will be okay and the situation dissolves before getting to the aunt. We role play a couple of other experiences involving a female cousin and his wife.

As always, everyone is released from their roles and welcomed back as friend and tribe member. We check out. I am exhausted.

Pizza revisit. While the pizza ordering process seemed smooth, the pizza delivery process was not smooth. The pizza delivery guy was sent to a different zip code and the pizza arrived late. I feel frustration as I ordered the pizza. Order process and delivery process are interrelated.

In closing, this is my second writing of this report. I suffered yesterday through the first writing. It was cold and factual – void of feeling. I acknowledge my feeling of wanting to edit this version and submit as is.

Apr 16, 2014

Austin Tribe Report -

Hi Chief,

We have 10 members in April 10th Austin Tribe meeting.

During check in, one member reports that he has a problem asking for help, when he wants to work on some icons in animation design. I find I have similar problem, and report a situation at work. I feel worried to about a more experience coworker to help me, which make me look less capable to my boss. Ed let me introduce more the situation and points out that I have problem to see no, which leads to the situation I have to work for more than one bosses. I do recognize this issue. I have problem to say no, and sometimes it leads me to quit.

One member reports that his dad passed away a year ago. He feel sad and feel he hasn't done enough for his father. He start to cry and he cries very loudly. And it triggers my sadness. There's sadness looming in the tribe. Tribe start to receive him into his forms. He keeps sobbing and members encourage him to experience his sadness. The form development session lasts for a while.

After pizza break, Ed says what the member experiencing is a sadness feeling. Sadness is about losing or expect to lose. But losing is not a (behavior) problem. He wonders what kinds of rock the hot seat want to work on himself. The member says that ever since his father's death, he starts to lose money constantly. He also recalls that his father has some (bonsai) trees and once he breaks one of them. He hides it and get away from punishment. His father often beats him and throws him around.

Ed points out that he thinks the client's trading loss has nothing to do with his father's death. The client just doesn't know how to trade. He agrees. It also wake me up, I realizes that I am sucked in by the feelings of the hot seat and stop to see the real issue behind. I think that, to be a good PM, one needs a kind of detachment from the hot seat, or the entire tribe, and needs to be able to see things other than what it seems to be going on. I have a recent success experience from managing local tribe. But this time I am sucked in. Managing process is like trading, sometimes you do well, sometimes the emotions take you away.

The client says he has some investors and he is losing money for them. He doesn't know how to trade. Ed asks him whether he wants to tell the investors that he doesn't know how to trade, and stop trading their money. The client shows no intention to do so. Ed test his willingness for another time and decides to pass his process.

Another member volunteers to work on his issue of not wanting to ask for help. Tribe get him into forms. When Ed freezes him, the client recalls that when he was a young kid, he once has a Christmas gift, a projector. Somehow the film gets twisted and he goes to his mom for help. His mom thinks she can't figure out how to fix it and she sends him to his dad. Unfortunately His dad breaks his projector. He feels frustrated and shuts down.

We use an empty water bottle as the projector. I volunteer to play the mom. And the first member who is good at breaking things of course plays his dad. Ed tells me that when the client comes to me, I give him two rocks, the first is that when things broken, believe I can't figure it out myself. The second rock is that, give my property to someone who can break it.

The entire tribe watch me send him to his destiny and start to laugh. It seems like it is the entire tribe intention to break his projector. And the process start to have some ironic comedy feeling. Such prank like feeling somehow makes me see a lot of my own experience where I don't take good care my own properties and easily delegate the responsibility to others. Or just want to avoid responsibility.

After playing this drama, As the mom, I feel that I make all this happen by sending the son to his dad. I feel guilty.

When the client fore-give the rock to me, he asks me how I feel. I tell him I don't feel anything. This is unusual to me, but it happens.

Ed then delivers the Heart Rock to him. He practices his new resources by share feeling with his dad, and he tells his dad that he wants to find someone more professional to fix this for him. Ed suggest him to pick a fixer in the tribe. He picks the fixer. And the member tells him it's $25. He agrees.

Then Ed suggest if he wants to play a piggy-bank process and he agrees. The tribe find another water bottle and tell the client to go to his father again. So everyone joyfully watches him give this toy to his dad and then watch his father breaking it. Now everybody gets what they want. The client gets to protect his properties from destruction and also satisfies his self destruction need by finding some one who loves to break things to do the job for the client. Everyone loves this idea and sees the intention equals result.

A main idea I pick up from his process is that to make sure taking good care of my properties, don't casually delegate my responsibility to taking care of my property to others. My property can also include my family, my work.

In the next process, one member says that he often gives his cousin and family member monetary help. He often feels guilty he doesn't do so. He also feels concern about continuing funding his wife's restaurant business, for it's losing money. Tribe help him get into forms of guilt feeling. He recalls that he is in a laundry room and his mom is scolding him. Later he recalls that he once shoots an arrow at his cousin. Cousin went back home and tells his aunt. And aunt tells client's mom. The member's mom blames him and makes him feel guilty. The tribe role play this situation and identify the rocks of guilt and shutdown.

After fore-give the rocks and Ed gives him Heart Rock of sharing feelings. Then we role play the drama again. He asks how his cousin feels after the accident. His cousin says he feels painful, then later he says he actually feels more scared than pain. The client thanks him to tell his feeling and shares his regret. Then they decide to be more careful. And now there's no roles for the two mom. And the drama stops here.

I recall I have the similar experience, I once build an arrow and put a nail as the arrow head. I make a bow and shoot a neighborhood girl. She screams when feeling the pain. I don't remember what happens next. Maybe I get away. I also recall when I was young I throw a rock to the sky and it travels a ballistic trajectory and lands on a boys top of head. I feel guilty too.

Then the tribe role plays his conversation with her wife about her restaurant business. He shares his feeling about his concern of the losing business. And his wife tells him her feeling of wanting some achievement. Sometimes the client falls back to logic reasoning with wife and Ed remind him stick to the feelings. The clients reports that he feel differently when he does so.

This is a great meeting and it's structure is more complicated than before. There are many happenings and everyone fits everyone else in the drama. The meeting organizes itself in a lively way. I am grateful for the meeting and get a lot out of it.

The Saturday after the meeting, my family and a friend family come to Hawaii. When take a walk, I usually walk fast and leave others behind, this is dangerous if I walk with children. This time, when walking in the Waikiki street, I find myself always automatically fall behind and become the sweep. I realize I really want to watch all the children and take good care of my property.

In the airports, I always carry my computers myself, I find myself become sensitive to any collision and bumping on the bag. I know I am good at breaking things too. It's fragile and now I realize it and want to take good care of it.

I hope you guys have a great Breathwork and I am looking forward to see the reports.

Thanks,

Apr 16, 2014

Austin Tribe Report - A Smashing Idea

Dear Ed,

April 10th was the second meeting of the series. Unlike the first meeting, there is sense of familiarity among the members. (At least my observation) There was two guests for this meeting who are participating in the breath work weekend.

These guests and many of the members knew each other and they seem very close and happy to see each other. I feel overwhelm for one reason or another. The measurement of my goals from the previous meeting which is to measure the stops on my positions, came out to be few pages and I felt that though I did what I said I was going to do, this measurement clearly gave me no confidence of my current situation with my account.

Ed, goes around each members and go over each promised measurements and from what I recall (I really don't recall too much) some members answers were vague and some were clear and confident. Again when it came to my turn, I felt overwhelmed and embarrassed. But I showed my paper work anyway. Then Ed goes around the room and ask each members" if there is any issue that they want to work on" Almost everybody except one member shared their issues.

When going around the room and going over each issues, I recall Ed mentioning that traders got to get over sadness because they have every tools right in front of them to medicate their feeling by losing money.

When he mentioned that I knew I had to work on this with full willingness, whatever the process is.

When it came to my turn, I told Ed that I want to work on sadness feeling and drama related to it. Again I don't recall much but I started crying heavy and could not stop, it just came coming and coming, Ed process manages along the way and guides me in to right direction. Every members encourages me to feel the feeling fully. I remember it was very hard to enjoy this in the very beginning. I remember saying " Ed, it's very difficult!"

Then Ed kept saying " what difficult ?" or basically encouraging me to go for it and fully experience the feeling. Few minutes passed and I felt it was still not fun to go through this feeling but kept going, then till end, I felt as though it was not a big deal anymore…. Truly it felt as though just nothing happened and it was all good.

I was feeling good, then I had clear moment and started to talked about the small drama in the bedroom last meeting when I accidentally or carelessly broke the window handle when no one was looking. I didn't have to tell Ed but I confessed to him that night that I broke the window handle. Then he came upstairs and checked on it and thanked me so that he could fix it. That was the end of it but I noticed this kind of thing happens to me in life or rather, I am creating a drama within my life like this. We discussed multiple incident in my childhood and then Ed concluded that I like to breaks things and get attention. For few seconds, I did not want to admit, however truth prevailed and that is exactly the case.

Ed encourages me to go break some dish or some other nice object and have fun at it. I could not ever see myself enjoy this kind of process but as time went and on the way back home, I thought I give it a try….

Well I am happy to say after 6 days later, I finally crashed my classical guitar to pieces and it was super super fun!!. I felt like a kid again and it was all good.

Lot of things are changing fast now, so many aha's I can't keep up with it. Somehow, I know it will all be good. I am fired up with my life right now. I got some simple trend following system now which helps me get clear signal and be able to try to follow the whipsaw song. I spoke to my client and told them that I got to work on my system and he was OK with it. I got to talk to the bully client but I said I am going to talk to him at the end of the month so I am going to wait till then.

On the morning after the meeting, Ed was there and I told him that I am going to give it a shot to tell my clients that I am done, then Ed told me about one manager who managed about 50 mill and lost half and did not want to manage money anymore and decided to tell his clients that he was done and quitting. I thought about that on the way back… I was determine to tell my guys that I cannot do this anymore. Then when I was waiting for plane in Houston, suddenly Aha started happening.

It is crazy but it's true, the rock process during the meeting with other members, and many other things combine, puzzle was being solved as quick as it can possibly solved. It was and with proper willingness and commitment, TTP will always be a perfect process..

Ed reminder " it’s a process.. keep me posted" is a good policy for TTP.

Looking forward for the next meeting.

Apr 15, 2014

Austin Tribe Report:
Asking for Help / Grieving

Hi Ed,

I had the privilege of attending the Austin Trading Tribe in April. It was a great meeting.

We worked on a members issue of getting help fixing a problem. When he was a child and he needed help he went to his mother who taught him to go to the wrong person for help - his father.

As an adult when he has a problem he can't seem to find the right person to help him. So we role played him going to the right person, getting help and resolving his problem.

I can relate to getting stuck. I have a tendency to try and fix everything myself, but I'm only one person and often times there are people out there with expertise that can plug in and benefit a situation greatly. I learned knowing when to ask for help and how to get it is crucial for success in life.

The next member had a problem with negative trading performance since is Father died. He felt some deep sadness about not connecting with his Father when he was alive.

He related how his Mother talked bad about his Father and he believed his Mother and did not pursue a relationship with his Father. He felt sad and guilty that his Father died alone with no friends.

He cried and felt his deep sadness which I really connected to as my Father is in the process of dieing and I find it very difficult to be around him.

In this process I realize avoiding my Father is medicating / avoiding my feelings of grief and sadness. I realize sometimes in life its my job to feel really sad and become saturated with that feeling to the maximum.

Today I felt deep sadness and cried for awhile it led me to the thought that sad/happy, difficult/easy, guilt/deserving, love/hate is the nature of existence as a human. Its my job to ride the waves of feelings inside and accept the outside environment as it is.

April 15, 2014

The Trading Tribe / System Design
Overview of the Container System Solution (“Pando”)

Ed,

I hope you achieved everything you wanted to with the breathwork this weekend.

Please see the third iteration of the container system overview. I made it more succinct and I think it better captures the system after our latest conversation.

Something I've been thinking about - what if we could create the quantitative part of this system through a web interface? It would be easy to create an HTTP API (REST API) and we could scale this massively. We could even charge subscription services for people and have different tiers. This would allow us to extend the network internationally with little infrastructure.

The Container System put forth is both a quantitative tool and community of traders and investors dedicated toward bettering their processes to achieve the goals they put forth. The system creates a network of those who keep each other honest and work to improve their performance in both trading and their personal lives. While the network will be mostly de-centralized, each group across the world will ideally only be one degree of separation from the main tribe in Austin, TX. The goal of the group is to focus on process instead of outcome and get traders and investors to ask, “did the trader stick with their system?” instead of, “how much money did they make?”

By harmonizing the trader and investor, we believe the performance of both can be enhanced. This has already been shown with decades of Trading Tribe meetings led under Ed Seykota. The Container System extends the tribe meeting to directly measure and enhance an educational framework for helping those in trading and investment management.

Quantitative Framework:
The quantitative framework is used to compliment the network of traders in the Tribe process. The framework’s goal is to ensure the trader is consistently focusing on his process rather than absolute performance. Therefore the reporting framework will have two main channels of reporting: daily variation and risk.

Daily Variation Report:
This report would be a systematic way of showing the fund manager’s discretion. While its objective function would be to track how the manager executes and implements the system signals they receive, the data could be interpreted in different ways. If a fund manager consistently shows he/she can time the signals to their system successfully, there can be an unequivocal track record showing this and the fund manager could use this to implement his discretion systematically. The Container System would work with the fund manager to break down his discretionary process into one that could be coded by a system.

What is equally likely is the fund manager will objectively be able to see how the discretion is taking away from his or her performance. It can be a tool used in addition to emotional counseling to show how the manager should stick to their system. For an investor, this report can allow the investor to hold the manager accountable when they insist on straying away from the system signals. It can also be an indicator of style drift that can alert the investor to pull funds if the behavior continues.

Risk Reporting:
Risk will take advantage of Ed’s concept of core equity, the amount of cash and the open risk using the stop point to calculate the equity of open positions. Stops enforce a discipline and give you the risk in dollars rather than a distribution that relies on previous cross-asset relationships holding forward (VaR). Fund managers can better account for their draw downs which also give peace of mind to investors.

Risk analysis is something many companies and funds attempt to implement, but often are limited by technology when trying to make this data transparent. Many infrastructural approaches take a long time to calculate risk, but I am confident we can do so in an efficient manner. I have coded calculations like this before that can be completed within a few seconds.

Reports can be auto-generated that allow risk to be broken down by factors as chosen by the investor or fund manager. This can also reveal behavioral biases as both parties could compare it to the variation report to see if the manager has a systematic bias to override his systems with a particular sector or asset class. This report could allow for other interesting tests, for example how the manager uses stops when in a draw down versus when he/she is outperforming. Risk could be another great tool in working with emotions.

Code Integration:
In order to create the above reports, the systems trader must integrate reporting into his code to send to our servers. A REST API could be used here that allows the trader to use an HTTP connection to send his list of trades, stops, and model fill prices. When the trader executes the trade, another service sends the information to the servers containing the actual fill price and actual stop. This universal API model allows the trader to focus on the environment he is comfortable with so the focus can remain on process rather than conforming to a specific one-language API.

Trader Network/Tribe:
The manager has access to a community of like-minded traders in the Container System. Like the manager, this community is not fully motivated by money, but a desire for something more. It is this desire that creates at atmosphere of self-improvement and to express less judgment, especially toward feelings. By creating a community and network of traders who want to engage in this communication, the emotional needs and health of the manager become well fulfilled and the manager can perform better in his functions. He/she has an opportunity to discuss and engage in the emotions that are troubling them and become clear-headed to make better decisions going forward.

Emotional Support:
What sets the Tribe experience apart is the ability for traders to bring to the table how they are feeling and become less uncomfortable about being comfortable with their feelings. The group works through issues to help realize each other’s goals. This includes sticking to a system, dealing with draw downs, and managing risk. The goal of the quantitative reports is to help frame issues for traders and bring them to the group. The visualizations and data can help traders realize personal truths among the uncertainty of markets.

Process Support:
The group Tribe experience is more than just an outlet for emotional coaching. It represents a community to better each other’s trading processes and systems. Ed Seykota has seen his network grow to groups of traders looking to back test more systems and refine their trading systems for better performance. This includes verifying the system works, identifying data issues, and ensuring as many unknowns are accounted for.

Creating a group collective experience allows traders to move toward intellectual honesty by keeping each other accountable. By creating a system of external pressure in the group, it maintains homeostasis with internal pressure. This allows a trader and investor toward intellectual honesty and working toward solutions when trying to refine their trading process. By combining computers, people, and community, you create a Container System that is more powerful than computers or people independently.

Ed,

I send this to you before ‘springing’ it on you at [the next] tribe meeting.

It is the start of my tribe series project intended to keep me on point and accountable for my stated goal during the tribe series.

The steps are important. Your image, along with Leonard Euler are deeply embedded in my head with this! While I know of no method to receive real feedback from Euler on the steps outlined within, I humbly request your feedback. Once final, I will outline deliverable dates on the time line intended to complete the project.

Project One

Ed - last one from me, I promise!

This one just in from Europe:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/eu/10546394/Europe-is-slowly-strangling-the-life-out-of-national-democracy.html

As you can see this is a western phenomenon, not just in the US. Some of the ideological driving forces behind this are laid out in the other link I sent, which is well worth a read in its entirety.

All the best

April 14, 2014

Govopoly Comments

Dear Ed,

Thank you for your comments. If I can just clarify what I meant previously:

1. Your work is very important, if not for this generation then for future ones. People need to know that not all of us are sleepwalking into the disaster that is before us. Perhaps they will learn the lessons of history that we have not. This to me is really the crux of Quigley's message - not the rise of the banker, but rather that we should be hopeful that tragedies can be avoided (hence the title of his book)

2. We are largely in agreement in terms of the emergence of the super state. However, it is important to understand the trigger for such events. Even duckweed needs conditions to grow right? Quigley once again does an excellent job as to why the west had democracy and central and eastern Europe did not, about the same time. If you analyze this you will see that technology was both a hugely liberating phenomenon, but also the root cause of totalitarian tendencies in our societies. Just look at the NSA debate and it is easy to understand how powerless the individual really is in the late 20th century, compared to having a gun and forming a militia in the late 19th century

3. For a brilliant expose of the key geopolitical trends shaping world events, I recommend ... Again, my point is not endorse conspiracies but better understand the world around us and its triggers

4. Finally, I need to reference the work of prof Raymond wheeler, who found a meaningful correlation between global cooling and the rise of socialism and economic depression. If long term solar patterns prevail the next 30 years will be predominantly cooler, reinforcing the factors you outlined.

But enough of depressing facts! Please do keep me posted when you run a trading workshop. Like I said I have been trading for some time, and would be delighted to see how the best pros do it

All the best

Apr 14, 2014

When The Effect Causes the Cause

Ed,

I read your FAQ comments:

"In the causal model we have one thing causing another: discrimination ==> disappointment. In the system model, we see that if we suppress our feelings of disappointment, and refrain from sharing them, we may entrain (invite) discrimination. This generally works for any {situation ==> feeling} pair."

I remember writing to you not too long ago, detailing how, while looking for a job, I feel there is "turf protection" going on by folks doing the interviewing. "Turf protection" is flabby-speak for discrimination. I understand that now, thank you. I accept not getting the job because I didn't get the job, and that's okay.

I understand a little bit more, thanks.

I want to join a tribe. I need help.

Apr 13, 2014

Govopoly and Exponential Growth

Ed,

I founded a firm to invest in natural resources back in 2005 to address looming shortages in this space. I do some trading on the side, but much more limited as of late. The combination of these two things have forced me to stay ahead of the trends - if indeed this is possible.

I understand that you have a new book out which deals about the exponential growth of welfare / government.

I have not read it, but there's another one from 1966 which details the same process. Prof Carroll Quigley is an intellectual giant, but unfortunately his book "Tragedy and Hope" has been hijacked by conspiracy theorists. He studied physics and then moved on to economic and political history, which gives him a unique understanding of system dynamics.

And it is these dynamics that favor the emergence of the state, which is now more powerful than ever in history. So powerful that no individual can challenge it.

We believe we have democracy because of some God given right. I believe that industrialization made guns cheaper, which in turn gave individuals the power to counter totalitarian pressure. Today a challenger is simply wiped off the grid, guns or no guns. Systems dynamics.

I wanted to point this out to you in case it is of interest to your research on this matter. I can send you Prof Quigley's book in case you have not read it.

All the best

Apr 13, 2014

Wants to Learn Trading

Dear Sir,

I am from Singapore. I have been longing to learn trading from you. May i know if you conduct courses or in any way i can learn trading from you?

Thank you