April 30, 2013

Austin Tribe Meeting Report - Procrastination

Ed,

I take the Hot Seat first. I admit to procrastinating on my projects for the company I work for. I use food to medicate the judgment I feel when I do my work. In particular, I eat ice cream to dull this feeling.

The man who runs the business said to me if my research is not good enough he will assign it to someone else. I take this as a judgment of my work. I also bring up a concern I have with a friend that I think insults me and my response is harsh.

I get into forms by shaking my head and straining my face. I remember a time I pick a fight with my brother. He and I wrestle and the fight escalates. Then my mother comes in to break it up. I role-play with the other Tribe members playing my teasing brother. At first, I revert to form and act like I want more and laugh. This response only intensifies the situation and doesn’t build rapport. Other Tribe members try to act as surrogates and use the intimacy model. They can’t establish rapport either.

Finally, one of the Tribe members is able to build rapport. I understand what I need to do. For example, when one of the Tribe members says in the role-play, “ Your art isn’t very good.” I respond by saying, “ Yes my art needs more work. I am just a beginner.” Another Tribe member starts to shove me and calls me a sissy. I respond by saying, “ I feel sad. How do you feel?” I want to know what is going on with him and try to understand him better.

The results from this process are profound. My rapport with people is much better. When someone is teasing me or being sarcastic about something I am engaging in. I generally point out that I could use some help to improve. This changes the dynamic and they gladly help. I notice I no long use ice cream as an emotional crutch. I will keep the Tribe posted on other dietary changes as they occur. I am speaking to my dear friend and sharing my feelings. I am asking her to relate her feelings as well. I am trying to understand what is going on in her world.

Another Tribe member takes the Hot Seat. He has an issue with an employee. She is always late on her projects and puts him in a bad position with a manager. The manager is angry because the product isn’t working. The Tribe Member sees the problem, which is very simple, and fixes it. He realizes that he must speak to his employee and establish a boundary. For example, if she runs into a problem to ask for his help. However, if she repeats the same drama there will be consequences. I can relate to this situation because I deal with people who don’t do their work and they expect me to do it for them.

Finally, another Tribe member reads us a letter he is writing to his son who is on psychotropic medication to keep him on an even keel. Sometimes, with help of his codependent mother, he gets off of these meds and indulges in hallucinogenic drugs. He has trouble with the legal authorities. The Tribe member is trying to change the dynamic in their relationship from one in which he is funding the current drama to one where he sets a boundary to limit his involvement. He wants intimate rapport with his son and not one that is manipulative. He has a set of certain essays he wants his son to write. They are based on articles that pertain to his condition and his relationship with his mother. I can tell the Tribe member loves and cares about his son very much. I recall my father who never says much to me at all as I grow up. I wish we can communicate better.

Apr 30, 2014

Female Musicians with an Attitude

Ed,

You might enjoy this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKezUd_xw20

Apr 30, 2014

Pain and Suffering

Hi Ed,

Read this and feel like sending:

Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain. ~Unknown

With regards,

Apr 30, 2014

Breathwork - Trading Larger

Dear Ed,

As a participant of Breathwork in Bastrop during the September 26-29 2013 weekend, part of the process includes my commitment to follow up with you and the FAQ readers on my progress after a week, after a month then again after six months following the Breathwork.

I report after the week, then the month but fail to report after six months. The due date for the six month follow up is March 29, 2013, or so. Although I think I put the date in my calendar, I fail to do so and thus fail to report. I notice this inconsistency about two weeks ago.
Here is my report, albeit 30 days late.

Breathwork 27-29 September 2013 – 6 Month Report

During the Breathwork process I work on an issue of wanting to increase the trading size in my discretionary trading account. My average trade result as an absolute value (gain or loss) is 0.27%, before the Breathwork. After the Breathwork, my average trade result is 0.96%. In the chart below you see the results of my trading - each data point representing one trade. The red dot represents trading since Breathwork weekend. The largest single loss I experience is 3.8% or so, the largest gain about 12.7%.

Trading Results

Feelings and processes I notice while trading larger size.

I feel more comfortable with bigger positions. I feel more comfortable in the market, as well as out of it. I trade a bit longer term and I trade less frequent. If I have strong gains I notice feelings of joy, followed by over-confidence. Sometimes I act on it and take some losses. Sometimes I recognize it and take a break to “cool off”. If I take a string of losses I fight back by trading larger or sometimes I take a break to “cool off” and regain perspective. I enjoy winning and hate losing. Losing streaks bring up my determination, focus and desire to get back into the positive. Winning brings up joy, confidence and complacency.

I also attend the recent Breathwork April 11-13, 2014. I work on an issue of disliking feelings I associate with guilt. During the work you assist me to realize that one of the feelings positive intentions is to alert me when I break agreements. I feel like I do a tremendous amount of progress at the April Breathwork. Since the weekend I feel confident, certain, I do things with joy and excitement, whether it be work, exercise or family fun. I focus on having clear agreements with myself as well as others.

Today is a first day since Breathwork I do not feel joyful. Something is eating away at me. I notice this easily as the last couple of weeks I experience an almost nirvana like state while talking to others, exercising, or driving in the car. Anything and everything I do feels awesome. Today is different. It takes a whole day of wondering and weighing different possibilities to figure this out. After a small discussion with my wife (mostly sharing feelings) I notice it. My eating habits are worse; I put away things I agree to do - I need to check on my agreements. I know that I owe this report to you and FAQ readers and it needs to get done. There are additional items on my list I take care in following few days to keep all my agreements in line.

I attribute my successful completion of this report to the recent work. I wonder how this resolve as far as my feelings go. I intend to follow up further on this issue as my feelings evolve.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Apr 29, 2013

Respecting all Religions

Dear Ed,

You might like this video about respecting all religion.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v
=868110463206284&set=vb.496865886997412&type=2&theater

With regards,

Apr 29, 2014

Austin Tribe Report - Setting Boundaries on Drugs

Ed,

At the last meeting, I share with the Tribe a letter I conceive during the Breathwork and refine during Tribe - and I solicit further suggestions and ideas from the Tribe members about it.

Basically, my son, who lives in another city, has a bipolar condition and does well while he stays on his medications, Seroquel and Lithium - and stays off pot and alcohol. His stormy and arguably codependent relationship with his mother further complicates his situation.

My letter to him states my unconditional love for him and my conditional financial support. I ask him if he feels willing to commit to following his sobriety "system." I state that in case he demonstrates willingness, in writing, in discussions with his friends and support personnel and in his actions, I can continue to offer material support. In case he does not, I offer to love him from a distance, to remain open for communication and otherwise, to remain inert.

The Tribe challenges me on my motivations, feelings and intentions and we fall into a discussion of how to support someone who has a drug problem and also maintain healthy boundaries. During the process, I get more in touch with my anger, frustration, sadness and guilt. The more I feel them, and share them with the Tribe, the less they seem to cloud my thinking. I conclude I must continue communicating with him and also stop paying him to keep falling off the wagon.

During the process, I also receive a warning / reminder that if I set up a set of hoops through which he has to jump, I risk engaging a subtle game. Alcoholics have a reputation for figuring out how to con people to get what they want. So by setting up a prize, I risk subsidizing yet another cycle. This reinforces my resolve to concentrate on sharing feelings with him and de-emphasize the win-a-prize aspect of my letter.

After the Tribe meeting and after I send the letter to my son, I chat with him on the phone, listening to his feelings and sharing my feelings with him. I do not bring up the subject matter of the letter or declare any kind of reward / punishment motivational strategy. We talk back and forth about this and that and then he volunteers that he feels willing to write his essays and commit to sobriety. I say, "OK - keep me in the loop on that as you go along, if you feel like it."

I also visit, by phone with his mom, with whom I have a historically and mutually inflammatory relationship. I make a point of employing TTP methods and I listen to her and try to get her feelings, even though I disagree with what she says. I focus on listening to her and forget trying to get my points across. The conversation goes surprisingly well and I sense she might continue her new-to-me peaceful tone with my son after the conversation ends.

I get the sense that, in some ironic way, I can best support him and me and his mom, too, by maintaining willingness to feel my feelings and to share them - rather than trying to buy or otherwise manipulate my way out of them.

I wish to thank my Tribe Members for supporting me in this. I feel and tap into their strength as I work my way along this path.

Apr 29, 2014

Cancer in Complete Remission

Ed,

I found out today that my cancer is in complete remission.

I feel relieved and happy.

Apr 29, 2014

Austin Tribe Meeting - Misinterpreting a [Hug]

Ed,

The tribe meeting begins. We have a new guest and are down another Tribe member who was issued a 'proclamation' for not keeping commitments. We drum. I feel difficulty getting into rhythm. I recall a former boss telling me, 'you march to the beat of your own drum.' I feel this is true, most of the time.

We check in. I report good vitals. I notice a slight rise in my body temperature before I finish. Two Tribe members report recovering from recent illness.

We report progress on our goals. Everyone reports making some progress. Hearing progress towards goals makes me feel good. I report backtracking in one area and making notes where I need to follow up before I get too much further in my process.

We move on to issues brought to Tribe.

One Tribe member reports being in a leadership role for a new advisory board. He needs to ask people to volunteer for various roles. He feels he has trouble asking for help and fears rejection. We role play this several times having him ask new people to volunteer. He improves with every role play.

Another Tribe member reports communicating with someone via text that spirals out of control. He reports he cares for the person.

Another tribe member reports an 'issue' with a coworker while solving an urgent problem for an impatient boss. The Tribe agrees to stay late and role play the issue. We role play the issue several times. I remain unclear on the real issue.

The person with the texting issue is hot. He says he was texting with a friend and she sends him a text with closed 'brackets' at the end. He does not know what this means and texts her to find out the meaning. After no response, he applies more pressure. Finally he receives a text indicating 'a turd'. He responds 'FU' and it escalates further from there.

As Ed probes the issue the Tribe quickly sees forms develop and we encourage hot seat to fully develop them. A shaking head quickly develops into a clenched fist. He recalls a childhood fight with his brother while watching TV. His mom is vaguely involved as he says she breaks it up. As a child, he says he regularly fights with his brother.

We role the scenario several times with three bothers at once. Several members, including myself, have multiple brothers. This role play is fun and easy as we have lots of experience to draw from. We antagonize him mercilessly. And do it several times. I feel strangely close to my surrogate bothers. Ed gets other people involved to role play the hot seat. A different perspective and new experiences to draw from.

Note: While writing this report I research emoticon meanings. I notice [] translates to Hug.

http://netforbeginners.about.com/cs/
netiquette101/a/bl_emoticons101_4.htm

A Tribe member shares a letter he has written to his son. It is a difficult situation. The letter is firm but moving. I know next to nothing about his situation. I feel empty as I am unable to locate anything inside my head to relate to his situation. I feel his internal and external struggle. I know there is nothing I can do to help but to offer support. I hope he felt the support of the tribe.

Ed, thank you for the meeting.

Apr 29, 2014

Austin Tribe Report

Ed,

I arrive at the meeting feeling very calm and a bit tired. I am sick all week and the effects remain with me into the day of the meeting. We welcome a visiting member and another member takes a break from the group and commitments. I wonder about change and how I feel about it. I realize people come and go and that is fine with me.

I connect with the first process. A tribe member amps up his anger when he feels attacked. I feel this way quite often and have interest in where this is going. A friend of the member sends a text to the member but the member does not understand part of the text. He cannot let go of understanding and becomes more irate as the situation unfolds. He keeps inquiring about the meaning of the text, to a point where he almost needs to confirm his fear that his friend is picking on him. The friend finally responds and says 'the text said you were a turd'(paraphrase).

It is unknown to me whether this is the actual meaning of the text or the friend thinks he is a turd because he would not stop pestering. We initiate the rocks process and the member describes a situation with his brother. In his youth, he fights with his brother. Mom steps in and saves the day. I role play the big brother.

As a big brother myself, the role comes easily and I enjoy feeling the feelings I have when I think about my brother and how we fight when we were younger. I feel for the hotseat because it is extremely difficult to share feelings with a sibling as a child. I see connections to the prior meeting when we worked on bullying. Acceptance, I feel, is a key part to resolving this situation. I also think about SVOp and how the entire situation with the text could of been avoided if the member does not initially feel owed a response.

I guess I am happy that he situation did occur because the result allowed all of us to grow and think about how to improve dealing with feeling of being attacked. I think a lot about when I get amped up. It happens quite often when driving. I feel angry when I feel others encroach on my safety. Anger is good because I can establish boundaries. My error is that I do not accept that others are bad drivers. The is applicable in trading as well, as sometimes people are bad economists or bad traders. This can effect my positions. I am not sure if my trading system would work if everyone is a good economist and a good trader. I become happy about bad traders, bad economists and . . . .bad drivers. Thank you to the member for sharing this experience.

One member shares a situation concerning his family. The complexity of the situation makes it an interesting case study in the application of TTP. I realize how difficult releasing control can be when dealing with family. When looking at a situation logically, there is no difference between business and family relationships but the existence of love brings control to the forefront. The feelings of sadness and fear of loss create dramas within families. It takes a strong heart and mental fortitude to unweave feelings and thoughts related to family. I focus my efforts on bringing more TTP to my family. The Tribe member inspires me to release the fear and go with the flow. I require help in this undertaking and I look for ways for my Tribe to support me.

The meeting closes on a high note for me. I quite enjoy programming and helping people. We go through two final process and I feel helpful to those involved. I do not share the feelings they have to the extent that they do and I enjoy being able to observe TTP in process. Seeing the AHA in others faces makes me happy. I also make a connection as I give a Tribe member a ride home. We talk about programming and I am hopeful we will speak again.

Apr 28, 2014

Austin Tribe Report - Visiting

Hi Ed,

Below are my experiences with the Trading Tribe. I include the perspective I had from reading the TTP book as well as our conversations compared to what the actual experience was like. I have to say, no written words can describe the intimacy and instant connection I felt with the rest of the group.

--

Reading the book, I think the drumming will have a synchronization effect. In actuality, it is more than that. It creates a circle of silence, focus, and synchronization. It creates the start of a safe space.

One aspect I don't think writing can do justice is describing the impact of the forms process and role playing. One member goes through the forms process to figure out anger from teasing. He clenches his fists, others are encouraging him and replaying the words that set off the anger. The encouragement by the tribe members was that of brothers more than friends.

I can tell the individual in the hot seat feels comfortable showing his forms. I feel surprisingly comfortable with witnessing this. The book gives the forms process justice procedurally; but, to see an individual take down an emotional guard that social pressure usually dictates we keep up, speaks highly of the intimate nature of the group.

After the forms gave way to the subconscious experience that led to the current method of dealing with a problem, the role playing took me by surprise. It was a serious affair, but one that was also taken light-heartedly as we worked to discover a better response to the current situation. Words cannot express the intimacy I thought I felt as we worked through the issue. We laugh, discuss, and all take turns trying to figure out a successful way to deal with teasing. Nobody is successful until the last person and I feel a collective "AHA" moment. We all can relate to the teasing incident and I feel as if we all are helped by the rocks process.

I say "intimacy I thought I felt" because only after this role play, I realized a much stronger intimacy. I didn't plan or expect to be in the hot seat, but after I discussed my issues, I feel a more intimate connection to the group. There is a thin translucent film and I am able to peel what I didn't see originally. Suddenly, I feel much closer to the group. I feel like I built a stronger friendship in the hot seat that has taken much longer with other friends. I am reminded I am a visitor of this tribe series and not a member. I feel sad by this.

By the closing checkout I feel as if I have a much better understanding of the Tribe Process. I realize the book is fairly accurate in describing the procedure and the effects, but I cannot have felt what I did just by reading. I realize once I hit the intimacy barrier with the other members, I felt an immediate connection and we enjoy moments of laughter, emotions, and bonding. It reminds me of spending time with my Fraternity brothers in college.

I feel as if this is a life-memorable experience and I feel relaxed. I start to think how this process could improve my life if I continue pursuing this.

Thank you for everything Ed,

Apr 28, 2014

Austin Tribe Meeting - Office Politics

Ed,

We have 8 members in this meeting.

During checking in issues, I report that I have a pattern of "freeze". When I play with my daughter, she picks up a tree stick and hits it me. She doesn't do it fast, but I freeze there let her hit my arms. It hurts. I wonder what I am doing during that half second. Sometime when I am driving. I want to pass a car. When my car somehow gets seemly close to the other car, I am used to close my eyes in my mind, and just press on. I think I should keep watching/observing more closely the distance while I am doing that. Once in the Kungfu(martial arts) class, I lie down and let my partner do a move, a virtual kick to my head. When I see his leg coming, I closed my eyes. I believe that best pattern should be watching closely under those stress and being ready to take action(block, dodge or whatever) if I need to.

I report another issue which happens couple days ago. An QA engineer reports a issue on my software to manager. I do a test in my office and find it's working fine and report it. The QA insists there is a problem. So I go to her office and sit down do the test with her. And I find out she did not connect a wire, which is required by the instruction. She tells me that the manager is going to be mad at her and she wants to know how I am going to report to the manager. I feel pressure and tell her that I am going to tell the manager that the wire is broken. And I actually go back to my office and find a new wire and replace hers. Somehow when I look back at this incident, I feel I miss the chance to do what a TTP practitioner does, to share feelings. I should have ask her how she feels when she tells me her fear. Instead, I can't take it and please her by fabric a lie.

I want to work on these but I don't feel hot. I find a pattern that whenever I come to Austin, I feel less hot. I just feel happy to be in the tribe, or tired due flight. This somehow makes it harder for me to amplify my feeling and issue. I tell Ed I am not hot enough. I also find that today I am easy to distract, can't focus much on listening to other member report their issue. Maybe I am little tired, or I am as usually dwelling in my own thoughts.

Another member reports he is hot, and he has an issue with his girlfriend. He receives a text message from his girlfriend. At the end of the message, he sees a hash mark which he doesn't recognizes. He asks her about it and she gets mad. Then she sends him a fxxx words. He feels angry and fights back.

Tribe help him get into his forms. He nods his head back and forth, squeezes his face, clenches his fist and tightens his arms and shoulder. When Ed freeze him in his forms, client recalls that when he was young, he was once watching TV at home. His brother comes and starts to teases him. They end up with wrestling. And their mother eventually comes to end the fight. He says this fight always begins and ends the same way.

We start to role play. Three members volunteer to play the goat getter brother. I find that I have no drive to do so. I don't have a brother. After the play starts, one member sits beside the client and starts to bump him with hip and shoulder. Then another member sits on the other side and start to push him too. To make this even worse, the third member stands in front of the client and block him from seeing the TV. He rock his hip and tease the client.

Client try to argue with them and it's not working. Another member plays a surrogate and also gets trapped, and he even get sat on by the brother. I then play the surrogate too. I feel trapped by them and want to have a way out. I also feel it's hard to reason with them and these people are plotting against me. I tickle that brother and also try to talk them out of focusing on teasing me. And it doesn't work. Somehow I don't want to try intimacy approach, for I want to get more feel of that irritated feeling. I want to be hot.

Then a member volunteers to apply intimacy-centric approach. When the first brother jabs him, he asks how the brother feels. The brother says I feel I want to punch my fist into your face. The surrogate then thanks him for sharing his feeling of wanting to punch, and asks him to say more. The brother then says the surrogate sounds weird. The surrogate keeps asking feelings. And the brother keeps threatening to punch, and forget to actually do it. The surrogate then talks to the other brothers and diffuse the situation too.

It's an interesting process, for it addresses one of my long asking questions, which is, how can I using sharing feeling to stop a intentional/habitual physical attack? This process presents that by being proactive, and sharing feeling as soon as things start, before it get chance to escalates, we still have pretty good chance to avoid a physical fight. During check out, I share my feeling of being surrogate. I notice I want their attention to move to another victim, and my feeling of not wanting to be in the spotlight of attentions.

After the meeting, I also notice that this process has no rock donor, no rock fore-giving in it.

One member reports that he is writing a letter to his ... son and tells him that he is stopping providing money to him. His son has a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder. He is under treatment by prescription drugs and a supporting group of doctors, nurses and social workers. His son's symptom has a pattern of three years cycle. Sometimes the medications keep him in good balance and he acts as normal, analytic and sharp. Sometimes when he has relapse he would walking naked in the neighborhood and then the police get him and send him to mental institute. Several times when he seems to make good progress, his mom would show up and then everything turns south. Their relationship becomes volatile and then they both come to the member for money. He provide them money and buy a period of peace. And then the drama repeats. The member feels that it has been a pattern that he involves into this ex-wife and son's drama and he wants to be out.

Tribe helps the member to test his willingness to pull the plug, and also discuss if the son is willing to read the letter and take it seriously. I wish that his son knows about the Austin tribe and is willing to experience the TTP. But I feel that his case is complicated, especially with the mom involving in it. It's more than only the son's issue. I also feel the uncertainty of the new development and I wish the best to the Tribe member.

I feel that the father and son's issue are always the toughest issue for me. I image how hard it is if I watch my son suffer and has no way out of, and I can do nothing about it. Even my son is still young, I already start to feel the same feeling of incapable doing nothing to change it.

Sometimes he doesn't like his friends teasing him and he would hide at home and watching you-tube or play video game. I know if he is willing to change, there's a best way ready for him. But I can't furnish the willingness either. What I can do is just to wait, and try to maintain rapport with him, try to be a good role model.

I share with the tribe that both my wife and I are experiencing the difficulty watching our boy growing up, become less independent from us. During my effort of achieving one of my checked in goal, to have my son start to sleep in his own room, I find that it's actually the mom, and sometimes myself, wanting him to stay with us. We like the baby around. And we don't like the feeling of letting go. The children already grow out of it and the parents don't.

During checkout of this process, one member shares that he is once diagnosed with bi-polar and was on medication. He suffers from this condition and shares his feelings with tribe. It reminds me of my own experience of bi-polar disorder. I am also diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and ADD. I would suffer long period of depression and doing nothing and sometimes goes to maniac outburst. I am on medication for few years. After few months I start the local tribe, I have the desire to get rid of the medication. And I never look back and enjoy the freedom with a happy family and life. After stopping medication for two years, I can't even recall when is the last time I have a slight depression or temper tantrums. I still feel all kinds of sadness, anger etc, by I start to do right things actively when I experiencing them, like doing chores, playing with kids or work, instead of being lazy, sloppy or irrational.

Then Ed gives a presentation of his work on building a TT-Fund, which is a container for traders to develop supporting group base on Trading Tribe Process. He provides interface for trader to work on their variance issue when following trading system. This framework focuses using the variance (violation of trading rules) from the system as entry points and run Rock Process from them. I feel it's the program I have been waiting for long time and I want to join.

One member reports that he has problem calling people to help his organization. He is leading a fraternity association and needs to call around alumni to fill those managerial positions. Few member volunteer as alumni and we role play the phone conversation. The client applies the intimacy-centric technique and have good conversation and get people on board. After the process, the client reports that now he feels easy and comfortable taking actions.

Ed then asks me if I want to work on my issue. I want to role play the office situation again. One member volunteers to play the QA engineer. and another member plays the manager. When the engineer shows her fear, I can't take it ant volunteer to cover it for her. I feel the feeling of blocking of throat, out of breath and chest congestion, when I think I am going to report to manager that it's her mistake. Later, the QA tells the manger that I break the wire. This is not actual happenings, but it's in deed what I worry about. I make things more complicated. During the replay, a member volunteers to play the surrogate. I watch him solve the problem and immediately take it to the manger. I feel things have another solution here.

After another round of role play. One member says that the QA is making me do her job. I agree. This racks up the boundary issue, and also my confrontation issue.

During the checkout, Ed points out my process is no complete, there's deeper issue. I also feel something else is behind it. It's getting late and I promise the tribe I continue working on this issue in future meetings, and report progress to the tribe.

The next day I get up and take the first flight to come back. I arrive at the office at 9:30 AM. My manager comes and ask me if I enjoy my training and I says yes. He and few co-workers are curious what I attend. I find everyone is very nice to me and I make good progress on my work. I come in Sunday to work in exchange my Thursday trip and I fixed a critical bug, I report to the manager and he forwards it to higher management. I have a feeling that I am experiencing another cycle of things going care-free. My client's account grows to more than 15% YTD.

It is a great meeting and full of contents. I thank you for hosting this meeting, managing my process and empowering others, and I thank the tribe for helping me in my process.

Thanks,

Apr 28, 2014

Austin Tribe Report

Ed,

We check-in and and report progress. I report on my commitments:

I'm working on the second trading systems project: support resistance.

I've lost the weight I gained after the first meeting.

I commit to learning how to properly back test systems.

I'm canceling my managed futures project until I can back test properly.

After breathwork (BW), I commit to feeling embarrassed and flushed. It signals that I'm not keeping my agreements. In particular, it signals that I'm not keeping my agreement at work: They pay me well, I do as they request.

This past couple of weeks, I have several opportunities at work to feel flushed. I'm asked to do a few small, irritating tasks and I feel the feeling. I feel it and let it go and get the tasks done. Then I'm asked a larger but still irritating task. Again I feel flushed. It doesn't go entirely away but I get to work, feel the feeling several more times, keep working and get the job done. Later I ask my boss if he wants me working on small stuff like this and he says he doesn't understand the project but that if I do it he knows it will be done correctly so "Yes, please work on stuff like this". I take this as a compliment and feel better about these jobs.

I also have an "honesty Aha" moment with my wife. She has asked me for years not to feed snacks to our two dogs. I always/usually say "Yes, dear." but I unconsciously/ semi-consciously intend to keep feeding them. After BW, she again asks me not to feed the dogs. I clearly notice my dishonest intent and feel bad about it. I've greatly reduced my feeding snacks to them. I commit to negotiating with my wife honestly on this.

Other tribe members check in. One member's parents get in an argument and he uses TTP to help resolve it by separately asking each one how they feel.

We go around looking for issues to work on.

I want to "speak" my fraternity Alumni Advisory Board (AAB) into existence – speaking to others is something I'm not good at.

Another gets irritated with an old friend after an exchange of texts.

Another has an episode where quality assurance at work makes a mistake and he helps cover for them.

We work on the texting problem. The hotseat (HS) exchanges texts with an old friend and the friend sends a text with two rectangles at the end. (Listening to this, I assume that HS and friend have different smartphone operating systems and emoticons from the sender's phone only come through as blank rectangles to the HS's phone.) The HS asks his friend via text several times what the rectangles were and she doesn't clearly respond so he escalates his request and irritates her. She replies "They mean that you're a turd!" and then there is a fallout in their relationship.

Ed, the process manager (PM) asks HS to share what he felt when he {saw the rectangles and HS didn't get a clear answer to what they were}. The Tribe helps develop that feeling and we get to HS as a youth on the sofa with his brother watching TV. They tease each other, then it escalates into a fight that his Mom has to breakup. Several tribe members each have several siblings so this type of teasing/escalating is quite familiar. We role play the event again with Tribe members playing/teasing HS's brothers. HS acknowledges the teasing but it doesn't defuse the situation. Two more tribe members try it out and the same thing happens. No one has used TTP to defuse the process. I take the HS and as the teasing continues I ask my brothers "What are you feeling? Tell me more about how you feel". One by one they stop and the room gets silent. Very interesting. HS uses this strategy to rerun the process and he gets a successful, non-fighting outcome.

We break for dinner and then a member (HS) reads a letter he has written to his son in response for a request for help. The son is bi-polar and has episodes of stopping the drugs he needs to manage it. The HS's letter is a request for a clear agreement on staying on his drugs and the letter includes tests for willingness. HS requests feedback from the Tribe and a long, frank discussion of tough mental health issues follows. In the end, HS thanks us for the input and accepts that, ultimately, the choice is his son's.

Next, I want to "speak" my fraternity Alumni Advisory Board (AAB) into existence – speaking to others is something I'm not good at and I ask the Tribe for help on that. We develop what is involved: calling fraternity brothers, explaining what's involved and asking if they'd serve. We role play that with me contacting several tribe members as my fraternity brothers and asking if they'd serve. Some act reluctant, others are agreeable. It feels good to do this. PM (1) suggest that I explain clearly what I'm asking of them, (2) check for willingness to serve and (3) that I convey the earnest feelings that I have for this to them: "It'll help keep the actives out of trouble / keep them from getting kicked off campus again", be a "big brother" to the actives. This process is encouraging to me and I commit to contacting and inviting members to the AAB.

Another Tribe member has someone in quality assurance QA at work make a mistake and blame him for a failure. When he points out there is an error in the QAs process she gets scared that management will get mad at her; he helps cover for her. This is medicating someone else's feeling scared and doing so prevents management from finding out that QA may need help doing her job. We role play the original situation and then replay it with HS asking QA about feelings. This defuses the situation but we see that HS still winds up in the role of doing some work for the QA. There is some more to be done here. But it is 11:30 PM and we decide to break.

As we break another Tribe member tells me that I don't seem to place a high value on the work I do. I don't know this and I thank him for that feedback.

For next Tribe meeting I'd like to work on this feeling: I often feel overwhelmed when I try to plan my week and set goals -- "too many things to do" -- "I can't do them all" -- "I don't know where to begin" -- so I medicate that feeling by just starting something easy to do. It gets me busy and takes my mind off the bigger problem of setting goals and prioritizing but I often start to work on unimportant "feel good" tasks. Then when important projects come due, I have to rush to get them done.

Apr 27, 2014

Austin Tribe Report - Gelling

Hi Ed,

Since last session, I have been off the chart in term of progress and clarity. I am extremely joyful about the whole progress and improvement and is feeling good about the decision I made to commit to participate in this Austin Tribe series.

However night before 3rd meeting I felt as though my chart went crashing down and felt as miserable as any human being can ever be. Now I look back it was a signal to tell me that there is still some left for me to address and there is no more place to hide and that I need to focus on this feeling or complication of feelings to attain further clarity.

I forgot my hair gel at home and my hair is all messed up. I really don't care how I look however I felt as though I have to look appropriate in front of committed tribe members. I make this my first priority before the meeting. I found supermarket near Ed's house and I go there. I still have time, and I started to look for the gel. The store, has big hair care section, however I do not see any hair gel. I feel lost, I feel completely helpless and lost. I ask one of the blond lady if she knew where the hair gels are located, she hesitantly smiles and tells me " I think it's in ile7.. " so I go there, there is no hair gel, I am panicking. I don't know what to do. I feel like crying. Time is passing quickly as usual. I need to hurry. If I look for another store, I know I will be late. I am desperate, I go to the cashier and ask the ladies who were supposed to be working but rather gossiping. I interrupt them and ask them " HI sorry to bother you but I am in kind of hurry and struggling to find a hair gel, could you show me where the hair gel is?" One of the younger lady looks at me like I am crazy and what the hell I am talking about." and she ask me "What are you talking about?" I go " please any hair gels, I am not from here, can you show me where it is please.." She hesitantly takes me to where the Blond lady was and she is still there… The blond lady looks at me and looks the other way. The cashier lady tells me gels are in this isle but I tell her " I don't see any gels" She goes "well its scattered around", then I ask her " please show me an example.. Please, " She then reluctantly starts to show me where the hair gels is but she cannot find it. I am helpless beyond imagination at this point and the cashier lady is starting to get pissed. I could feel her thoughts " why is he putting me in to this situations, s---, I don't get paid for this" Anyway after few minutes of searching, she finally identifies 3 bottles of hair gel in the entire gigantic store. It was located at the corner bottom shelf along the isle. I am familiar with the brand, I do not like it. It's the cheap one. I have no choice so I bought it. I am glad and relieved. I get the hell out of the store, then when I go in to a car, I put the hair gel on my hair. I feel OK now. At least I look presentable.

I go to Ed's house on time. I wanted to wash my hands first because the gel was all over my hand. I found my chair and on time for tribe meeting. Right before the meeting start one of the tribe member points out that I look like one the actor from movie Gone with the Wind. I don't know the character but felt good that someone gave me a compliment of the gel look. My misery level went down dramatically from this comment. I felt grateful for my cheap gel.

Drumming starts. I close my eyes and drum. After the drumming, Ed ask for check in first. I can see the tribe is extremely at ease and joyful for this session. Ed looks like a different person. I feel the Breath work was tremendous success for participating members. The difference is clear to me. During the Check in, members expressing things are good and feeling good. Some members are saying they feel good but they had cold over the past few days and feeling bit low. I felt kind of left out but I check in as " feeling miserable and low end of the chart"

Then Ed goes around to share each members progress on goals and measurement, again, some members seems to making clear progress here and some are still vague and unclear. Ed asks "if anybody has any issues or anybody hot ? Couple of hands shows up but not really convincing. Ed lightly do willingness check and we decided to go with HS (Hot seat) 's issue which surrounds his lady co-worker who keeps sort of getting on his nerve calling him a Turd and he end up telling her " Fu_k you!"

HS doesn't like this tense encounter with her which he notice occurs quite often. Lady co-worker also text HS over the Easter weekend ' Happy Easter my lost friend" or something like in that line. HS feels clueless is to why is this cycle happening with her.

Ed asks how you feel about it and eventually HS starts to get in to some forms and settle in to one form which he seems to be stuck. HS closes his eyes and tighten his fists and his face all tensed up, other tribe members encourages them to go with the feeling and HS is really intensifying his form, then Ed ask to freeze and look back and see if he can recall some event when he was a child which might resemble this type of feeling.

Then HS goes recalls him and his older brother fighting. Fighting and Fighting but his mother always stops the fight premature. This causes the brothers to start fighting again in another occasion and again mother comes out and stops the fight prematurely. Seems to be a vicious cycle. Ed asks how the fighting starts and HS explains that when he is watching TV on the couch older brother comes in and starts bothering.

Ed suggests we role play and even bring in other members to harass him all together. Couple of members volunteers to role play disturb, harass and tease him while HS is trying to watch TV. It goes on and on and HS just has no clue to defuse the situation and keeps put up with it or pretend that he enjoys it and try to counter harass the brothers. HS is in a bad position and just cannot do anything about it. Ed asks other members to become the surrogate for HS's role.

I am younger brother myself and so I volunteer first to be the surrogate. I sit in the middle watching TV and there comes three brothers side by side and in front of me just disturbing and harassing me for no reason. I plead with them " why are you guys doing this?, please stop, you guys are crazy, as human to human, please stop, you are crazy… you guys are insane" then I couldn't take the misery anymore and just walked away.

I realize I hate this type of situation and I simply walk away. Ed ask other members to be the surrogate and [Name] become the surrogate. He is smiling and confused while being harassed and disturbed for no reason. I sit on the side and watch the whole scenario. I find it funny. I can't stop laughing. My miserable feeling is going away and dissolving slowly.

There was a guest member today and he goes on as a surrogate. He gets pounded by the other members and it is a funny scene. None of the surrogate has the ways to defuse the situation. Ed asks HS to get back on the hot seat again and role play once again, Ed asks HS to ask for their feelings, initially reaction stays the same but more HS sincerely asks for their feeling, the situation slowly starts to defuse. Eventually it quiets down and the abusers starts to mind their own business. In this type of situation, I would never thought in billion years to ask for their feelings but I notice that I would be judging them for their actions which causes the situation to escalate. It is wiser to sincerely ask for their feelings which might have caused them to behave this way. To me it is a tough proposition but I would give it a try if any situation like this occurs in the future.

It was an interesting session and Ed tells us to take a dinner break. I drank a lots of water and ate 4 slices of Pizza, since I did not eat all day except for 2 fresh apples before the meeting. I start to feel much better and miserable feeling is almost gone. May be I was just hungry.

We resume the meeting and this time another Tribe Member gets on the hot seat. HS shares the letter that he has written for his son who occasionally gets in trouble by behaving socially unacceptable ways. After he reads the letter, he asks for everyone's opinions and feedback. One member carefully asks HS " do you think your son is going to read the letter?" HS replies " I don't know and if he doesn't and not cooperate it would be the end right there until he changes his behavior. The letter that HS wrote is very strong yet reasonable and just asking his son to follow the advice of local supporters and also take the appropriate medication to control the behavior. I asked him few questions and shared that I feel he is doing the right thing and let his son to activate his survival instinct and earn his freedom on his own. I also share my skepticism about the medication surrounding Bi-polar disorder and other mental illness. I do not have much confidence in them and don't trust them. Suddenly [another Tribe Member] speaks up and mentioned that he had a similar illness and he actually cured his illness by help and support from his counselors and also by taking similar medication related to this illness. He shares that without the medication it would not been possible. The recovery path is its own and it is very hard. I thank him for sharing his view and what happen to him and most importantly what worked for him.

We do a check out on this process and everybody including HS seemed to be happy with the outcome. We take a 5 minutes break. We are back on tribe secession and Ed asks if anybody wants to work on their issues. One member raises hand but wants Ed to share his project first and then he will work on his issuer.

Ed agrees and shares his project that he is working on. It is about a new fund structure that Ed has been refining and planning on for the last 15 years. It involves TTP and also interesting relationship between manager and investors in which all orders, positions and entry and exit will be fully transparent to investors live and investors will able to check and see if managers are truly following their system. Also there is a division called "Variation" which Ed will make sure the system is a real system and keep updating or making it better for the managers. I may be wrong on this but hopefully I get better understanding of this in the future. Ed promises us that he will get more details work done this in the future. Ed seems to be very excited about this and we are also. It is all good.

We move on to the last hot seats. The HS expresses that he is not good at calling people and asking people to get involve in volunteer cause surrounding his college fraternity group. To bring awareness to young college students to not to get too crazy parting. We do a role play of him cold calling prospects over the phone to practice initial approach. HS starts with someone nice and receptive, though still rusty the conversation goes very well. I raise my hand to volunteer to role play, I try to play bit more rough on him since most cold calls are. Initially HS keeps his nice stance and I sort of take advantage to blow him off but he take control of the situation and get my attention or rather force my attention on him. I feel bit threatened and feel forced to participate in the cause. Soon HS lower his control tone as I become more receptive to his idea. " I tell him could you go around more prospect first and if you don't find one I will be available." HS agrees and but before he hangs up he asks me for referral and I agree to provide him one. He asks me to make verbal introduction to the referral. I assure him that there would not be a problem. I send e-mail to the referral while I am on the phone and CC HS on it. He feels OK and let me go. HS seems to feel little better about the role play but HS tells us that there might be deeper issue surrounding this issue and he look forward to working on it on coming meetings. There was one other member said the same thing where he feels there is deeper issue surrounding his drama and would like to explore deeper in the coming meetings. We all agree and go for a check out. Check out goes smoothly and we are adjourned for the night.

This meeting was awesome meeting not only the role play but Ed sharing his project and the Guest member from New York sharing us all kind of inside scoop on what really is happening in big Wall Street Hedge fund. Ed also shared many of his experience with the Wall St. firms as well as his experience and view of some of the well-known Hedge Fund managers. It was great experience. I thank Ed and the guest from NY for openly sharing their knowledge and experience.

On the way back home at the airport, there was sense of Relief and Joy as I wait for my plane to departure. I feel I am prepared to take on the market in coming weeks. As I do my best to ran my business, I realize support group like TTP is a highest value to run a successful business. Without willing supporters, to me it is impossible to make it work. I learned the hard way.

I been seeing more and more word of " Freedom" popping up here and there during TTP session and FAQ. I found this very interesting and may be a sign of new trend. When I get back to NJ I thought about Freedom a lot and there is many levels and dimension of the meaning and understanding of Freedom and if you are to have discussion over this topic, I am sure the conversation will go on forever, but for the time being, movie Born Free came in to my mind thought it was interesting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1wpbCbPP7U

I look forward for the next meeting…

Apr 27, 2014

Positive Intention of Envy

Ed,

I learn a lot this week. I learn how Fred and conscious mind collaborate to create wisdom. I have issue with my wife surrounding trust. At first I react quickly because situation resembles past occurrence of betrayal however I hang back and do not act on this but take wait and see approach. I am able to see her point of view and reach conclusion no action needs to take place outside of sharing and receiving feelings. Drama dissolves quickly. I notice I have a tendency to expect the worst and maybe hope for the best.

We talk more about future plans and my wish to eventually trade for a living. She responds by sharing her feelings on feeling insecure financially and her fear of falling into poverty. She relates stories of growing up enduring tough situations something I never experience.

She questions whether I have a timetable or measurable goals in place. I have none. She shares her concern that this resembles her father and how he always has a dream of a business that even now in his 70s has never materialized. She wonders if we will ever live a financially secure life. She shares how she does not know if we are on same page and how she feels stressed that my view of money and security differs from hers. She feels we move in conflicting directions.

I try my best to receive but the words cut deep. I feel uncomfortable, defensive, and anger but I sit and just listen. I tell her I believe that this fear runs her life and colors her vision so she may pass up on opportunities. I tell her I also have feelings that color my vision.

Somehow I wind up reading the section on Envy in the TT book aloud for us and after finishing I break out into tears. I tell her I always wanted to have the best but was taught to be content with what I have "don't worry about what the next person has, just be concerned with what you have" I remember my mom saying.

I never allow myself to experience much envy. I avoid feeling the difference in what I have and what "they" have. I notice over time my desire for the lifestyle I want changes to accepting the lifestyle that I have now with little motivation to change.

I tell her how upset I get when I think of what I don't have and how I bury that feeling. I thank her for helping me experience this. In the past we have conversations about same subject, I react by getting defensive and blaming her, now I see all along the issue belongs to me.

I state that maybe we can help each other feel these feelings that seem to run our life and maybe we have a good shot at sharing a life that fulfills both our needs.

I feel need to get to work. I start with a timetable. It seems aggressive but so what. I get clear on my intentions. I send her timetable and ask for her willingness to cheer me on, encourage me, and offer loving criticism all to help me keep on track.

I already feel anxious and a little fear of this project falling into my pattern of starting off on a goal strong and then fizzling out without completion. I feel I could use some help on this but I feel glad I have TT along with a partner who believes in me and continually offers her support.

Apr 26, 2014

Request to Re-Join

Dear Ed:

I request to rejoin the tribe on May 22nd. I promise to complete the following:

1) Dispose of 4 refrigerators/freezers
2) Read all FAQs from 1/1/14 to 5/21/14
3) Get my weight under 250 - a loss of 12 lbs
4) Post a report that you deem high quality by 5/13/14 - 1 month after breathwork

If I am unable to complete any of the following - I agree that I would not qualify.

Apr 25, 2014

Up 70%

Ed,

Integrity - walking your talk and talking your thinking. This leaves space for good integrity and surprise surprise (?) bad integrity, but certainly is never cheating and facilitates everybody's growth.

Hypocrisy - I don't like it since I'm 1 month old - in devil's advocate's words could be, though, sometimes sometimes (?)viewed as a tribute paid by the sinful to the virtue. So is there bad and good hypocrisy?

Just pondering in the unusually warm winter (which was like spring - i write seasons without capitals) and now the spring which is like summer right from the start. Here in Europe, it went another way in America this year.

Greetings of the season Ed! I am 70% up this year, these 4 months. The market is in a 3 year old sideways situation, unlike S&P.

Another limitation I introduced to my market proceedings - in order to deal with fear, greed, regret trading, deficit of concentration (four major demons in my trading) - is that once I exceed 80% in a year of trading I will stop trading if from 100% return there happens to be a come back to the 80% line.

PS. More a need to be busy than greed I suppose.

Apr 24, 2014

# Trending

Hi Ed,

You might like this T Shirt image:

Apr 24, 2014

Disappointment

Dear Ed:

It was my intention to disappoint you by not participating fully [in the Tribe] and by not sharing my feelings. It was also my intention to further disappoint the Austin tribe by having them loose a second member. Now they are expecting to be disappointed again by fearing the loss of maybe another member until no members are left in the tribe. The way I did this - was to fall asleep during meetings and to blank out after the meeting so that I could not write high quality reports.

I am now observing my disappointing expertise:

1) I invite a friend to lunch - but don't show up. When he calls - I am about 700 miles away and can't make it. I do this by getting really busy and not reviewing my calendar for conflicts.

2) I go on my date with my wife but try to be "efficient". So I try to get some work done during the date which appears to be efficient but my wife is disappointed. This happened last week. It also happened 7 years ago - on that occasion - my wife kept spending more and more while I kept working on my computer inside the store.

3) I dominate an entire online industry with 90% market share. However, I disappoint my self by not reaching my true potential - by not getting the right team and support structure. As a result my clients start competing against me and some of them do much better than me.

4) I seek people who have very high standards that are often impossible to meet - so I fail - disappointing myself and them.

5) I always take on more balls than I can juggle - so some of them fall and get damaged. As a result someone is always being disappointed.

6) I have extreme volatility in my weight and wealth. I am disappointed about it.

7) I seek impossible missions - and enjoy the thrill - but in the end I disappoint myself and others.

If something is not impossible - i.e. too easy - I fall asleep and disappoint someone.

The mechanism of taking on too much, falling asleep and forgetting are part of this disappointing expertise. In the coming weeks I will continue to explore my feelings about disappointment.

Apr 24, 2014

Music Video

Ed,

I love this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?list=RD8UVNT4wvIGY&v=8UVNT4wvIGY

Apr 23 2014

Acceptance

Ed,

I read the [Govopoly] book.

Acceptance really is a difficult thing.

Apr 23, 2014

Rules

Dear Ed,

I hope you are well. I am sending you this [Linked In] request because you have had an enormous influence on my career using rules-based strategies. I am extremely grateful for all your work and I wanted to thank you! All the very best,

Apr 23, 2014

Feeling Sad, Intentionally

Hi Ed,

At a recent Tribe meeting, you say, "It's my job to feel sad right now."

I've been working on understanding these words. It seems data is collected by the senses and fed to Fred. Fred consumes the data and produces feelings.

Painful feelings trigger action. Sometimes actions are instant and automatic, other times long term and learned.

If every feeling has a positive intention then maybe right livelihood comes down to working on right actions.

Apr 22, 2014

Wants to Learn

Hi Ed,

I want to learn from you. I await for an opportunity to do so.

Apr 22, 2014

[City] Tribe Report: De-Fusing Violence and Betrayal


Hi Ed,

Here is my meeting report - 14th of April.

The leadership of the meeting rotates each meeting. Leader commences meeting with a round of drumming. We each take turns briefly updating each other on events since the last meeting. In turn, one at a time, we each state what we are thinking, Tribe thanks this person then the next person goes. We repeat this for two rounds of thinking, two rounds of feeling and then two rounds of showing forms. After this process is complete the leader asks who is hot or has any dramas. A tribe member (TM) and I both have situations that we want to explore. TM goes first.

TM takes the hot seat and outlines a situation involving a driver of a 4WD and him at a shopping center pedestrian crossing. The driver and TM see each other approaching the pedestrian crossing, have a brief stand-off and then both continue along their trajectory, narrowly avoiding each other. A nasty verbal exchange between the TM and the driver ensues as according to the road rules the driver should give way to the TM. This escalates to the threat of violence against the TM. TM then outlines a similar situation where TM interacts with a third party who is breaking the rules which leads to the threat of violence to the TM. TM is in a quiet carriage of a train and a female passenger makes persistent loud phone calls. TM walks to the passenger and asks her to either stop making the calls, or to move and make them in another carriage. The passenger reacts angrily towards the TM and another male passenger comes to the aid of the female passenger and threatens TM with violence.

The Tribe encourages the TM to show how he feels about this in the now. He goes into a very intense fit like form; it looks like he is having an epileptic fit. After this form the TM outlines an incident with his mother who is visiting him and after initially being a great guest she starts to criticize the TM. The initial small criticisms escalate until the TM snaps at his mother and the TM's father steps in with the threat of violence against the TM. At this point we push through and decide to run a Rocks Process.

Tribe leader for the week brings notes on the Rocks Process and TTP Extensions which serve as a guide. We role play this scene firstly with the old rock which involves the TM feeling superior when the other person misbehaves, winding the other person up and provoking anger. Re-enacting this scene using the old rock brings up fit like forms in the TM. TM rejects this approach.

The new rock involves receiving the other person's feelings, finding the positive intention of their feelings and responding to peoples good intentions. TM also makes a set of commitments to resolve a number of issues that stem from his provoke violence rocks response. We each check out in character and then check out of the rocks process. In hindsight I really struggle to remember the specifics of TM's hot seat due to the effort that my hot seat takes as well I wonder if the proactive responses for TM to implement are the best way to deal with the initial drama he creates.

After a break I take the hot seat and bring up an issue involving a business partner. Our business which is winding up contains an outstanding debt. My expectation is that as partners we each pay down our share of this debt.

I am yet to reach a meaningful conclusion with him on this issue and I pay out the balance of the debt and wind up the business. I take this to a hot seat and after working through my initial anger/frustration, I actually feel hurt and no sense of thanks or appreciation for my role in the business. In essence I wouldn't leave someone in that situation how can he do this to me?

Process manager states that it is my intention to feel this betrayal. He then prompts me to find similar incidents. I start reciting scenarios where I feel a sense of betrayal/innocent victim. We go deeper through a wide range of similar incidents.

The Tribe and I determine the suitability of each incident to a rocks process. I mention a situation where my mother, sister and I return home late one night to our house in <x country> my father changes the locks and is inside the compound with my younger brother and his new secretary.

He is saying to my mother that it is over and he has a new partner and we aren't welcome anymore – he comes across as smug. My mother, sister and I are all deeply upset and in anguish I recall her saying "How can you do this to me and the kids?"

We depart that night deeply upset and scared and stay with a friend later returning to < x country>. My mother takes my father back and they eventually divorce after what I can only describe as an unhappy 20 years of marriage.

We re-enact this scenario at the gates my mother is the rock donor and my father is the stressor. The medicinal rock from my mother, the rock donor, involves creating a situation that leads to betrayal and then using guilt and manipulation whilst blaming the other person. I reject this rock.

Tribe and I then work together to create a pro-active rock to address the underlying situation. The person who give this rock is a family friend back in < x country>. In both scenarios I observe the re-enactment and play no role in the dialogue. The proactive rock involves accepting responsibility (it's my decision) as well as associating with people that appreciate me and clarifying expectations on the relationship upfront and early. Identifying the critical scene highlights the number of situations that involve me using this old response pattern/rock. It is a pattern that is obvious now.

Apr 22, 2014

Experiencing Disappointment & Taking Action

Thank you Ed.

I initially feel disappointment [when I read the Proclamation, below], but then feel relief.

I am currently over committed and have too many failed promises
in several areas of my life.

I will deal with these issues first and execute what I have promised. I will continue to post to FAQ and will will re-apply once I have completed the incomplete items.

This includes posting into FAQ and reading FAQ.

I also want to acknowledge that I have not read FAQ which is another broken agreement. I hope to re-apply by the end of May. Thank you for holding me accountable and detecting my failed agreements.

Further I agree that my reports lack quality and depth. My participation in the tribe also is one of constantly falling asleep. I find that I blank out details of what happened in the meetings - so when I go to write reports - I do not remember important details.

I am disappointed in myself. If I had an employee who did what I was doing, I would fire them. My first step is keeping my agreements and experiencing the feelings from keeping them. Then I will product a high quality report - that is due 30 days from the breath work.

Apr 22, 2014

Husband and Wife Invest $22.5K in Refrigerators

Dear Ed:

I wanted to give you an update on the the refrigerators. Last week I identified 4 that I agreed to dispose off in 2 weeks. These were all in good condition - so I thought I would sell them. In researching the price - these were much more expensive that I thought - about $1,500 each. I was shocked that my wife had spent 15*1,500 or $22,500 in refrigerators.

I handle household finances and these were purchased in the same year I sold my company so we had a lot of cash and I was not paying much attention to her spending. This is only a small percentage of her total purchases. We had bought a new house, so she was in charge of getting furniture, appliances, etc

So I figured that I could list them at $499 each. I put ads in Craigslist and Nextdoor. Normally stuff sells quickly - so I thought they would go like hot cakes. However, I did not get any hits over the weekend - probably because it was Easter weekend. I then also contacted soup kitchens and other non profits. I put ads into a big Moms group.

Since I was not making progress on the refrigerators I felt the need to do something else - in order to experience the feelings that I was avoiding. So at 5 am yesterday I cleaned out a big chunk of the kitchen area filling up 3 large trash bags. I took care in making a few piles of "stuff" that my wife need and put them away.

I got my first bid on a refrigerator for $100 today, but have to leave tomorrow to go to Austin.

I request an extension till April 5th to dispose of the 4 refrigerators. Worst case, I might have to take them to the dump and pay $100 to dispose them.

I am committed to keeping this agreement and experiencing the feelings that come along with this. So far I have been surprised - our relationship has gotten better after I took action.

April 22, 2014

Request for Review

Dear Ed:

Attached is my trading plan.

Based on a prior Tribe meeting - I have removed as much "ambiguity" that I can find.

I would like a review. If the review is granted I request that I audio record the review as its hard to remember feedback.

April 22, 2014

Breathwork Report - Disappointment

Dear Ed:

Thank you for the hard work you did on Friday evening. I can't believe it was 2 am when we finished. You dug deeply through the issues each person in the group had including your own to get specific on the issue and the feelings that we were avoiding.

I realize that my memories fade quickly and I agree to do my updates sooner than 1 week later.

One issue that an attendee had to deal with was a discomfort - fear of not being able to breath - fear of dying. Another attendee had an issue with guilt. Each of us had a feeling - and we worked on making friends with that feeling. Initially this seemed impossible but within a few minutes and a little bit of working on this issue - things quickly turned around.

I was the sitter for the morning session and enjoyed being a sitter and watching the different forms and movements.

Later in the afternoon, I lost track of time with my breath-work and thought we were into it for about 30-45 minutes when it ended - but was shocked when I found out it had been several hours.

What I remember the most is our Frisbee football experience and the strong wind.

I feel closeness and bonding with my fellow breathers and feel accepted and comfortable. We have shared deeply personal experiences and helped each other with unconditional acceptance.

I notice several changes as a result of my Breathwork and tribe experience. They key one being that I am more comfortable around other people. I do not feel the pressure to be the best or to shine the most. I am more accepting.

I start a new way of being with my wife after breath-work. I see that my way of handling the relationship causes me to feel angry. I avoid doing anything that would result my spouse being disappointed. I changed that yesterday morning by cleaning out an area in the kitchen that is a total mess and a fire hazard. I experience anxiety during this process. I do this about 5 am when my wife is sleeping. When she wakes up I avoid her till about 11 am to give her time to process her emotions. We have our "usual" conflict when I do something like this. My wife says she does not understand me. I say nothing. She points out things that I "mess" up. Later that evening she says she wants to have a normal relationship and not have me lecture her all the time. I plan to bring my need to lecture to the tribe.

I have a project that I promised to complete that I am working on. Its harder than I expected, but I am plugging away.

Thank you for the amazing breath work experience and your hospitality.