Jul 31, 2014

Weighty Matter - Closing In On 200 Pounds

Ed,

I continue my food process of eating when and only when hungry.

As I go along, I notice myself developing an ability to distinguish more clearly between eating when hungry and eating to medicate other feelings. I see that eating medicinally includes eating to maintain connection with others over dinner, eating to suppress stress from recent volatility in the markets and eating to avoid fears about getting my weight under 200 pounds.

I recall previous attempts to force myself under 200 pounds with stringent diet and exercise programs winding up with me getting a painful "reward" of excruciating leg cramps at night.

I feel this system has a more go-with-the-flow feeling about so it might allow my body to acclimate more naturally to my new weight.

Yes, I plan to take these issues to Tribe.

Down about 30 Pounds

Jul 31, 2014

Men's Brains and Women's Brains

Ed,

You may have published this in FAQ before, but if not I want to share it with all your readers. I recommend it all the time, especially to women who have trouble understanding why their partners don't listen to them very often or for very long.

I laugh every time I see it, it is so true!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDk&feature=em-share_video_user

Dear Sir,

Please help in defining metaform as used in FAQ.

Kind Regards

Ed,

Bugs the daylights out of me: control / intimacy based relationships. We are only as intimate as the trust we have in the other person. It has nothing to do with "ownership" and everything with respect.

Think it through. Ownership is chattel and manipulation based (control).

Intimacy comes with mutual trust, respect and other focused vs what's in it for me. It usually requires a spiritual dimension where both partners acknowledge and honor, revere the sacred soul. (the three legged chair) ... Don't slough it off and trivialize.

The wedge picture was immature : ( and off-putting lol. Substance, class, and intellect are always provocative. Try it, maybe the whiners and idolaters get more creative and sophisticated.

Thanks for the reply.

You point out the fact that I still use DIM, when I think that I do TTP in real world.

Great Conversation Tuesday. I hope staying later than expected didn't cause you any trouble.

This thought occurs to me. Perhaps I also medicate pleasurable feelings.

Sometimes when things are going the way "I want" I obsess or act compulsively which inevitably coincides with things turning around and going the way" I don't want." (self sabotage)

For example:

My trading is going so well that I feel like Midas (pleasurable feeling). Next I start shopping for something expensive a used Ferrari for example (obsession/medicating feelings) resulting in loss of focus/concentration, and money. (self sabotage)

My relationship is going great, I feel love (pleasurable feeling) I obsess over porn (obsession/medicating feelings) Results in loss of intimacy (self sabotage)

Perhaps some feelings that are pleasurable get to a certain intensity that is difficult to handle, and at that point I medicate. (just as when unpleasurable feelings get to an intensity which is too uncomfortable to handle I medicate)

Do you have any insights on this thought?

Best,

More DIM Process

Hi Ed,

I mistake your workshope with breathwork. I think the early bird special last time was $2500. I wonder if couples can get a discount. Just still wondering.

Also Ed I would like to report that my weight climbs down. At my heaviest, i weight 74 kilos. Today I weigh 62.8 kg. I eat when I feel hungry. My body begins to look better.

Also I have some concern regarding how to act around women. I love [Name]. Yesterday I go to a club with a couple if my friends. I feel one of them is really needy. I can relate. Anyways currently my self confidence reaches all time highs. I feel I can go out and get any girl that I want.

My friend gets a pent house suite with a pool. I sit at a table. I remember my anticipation to dance and just fool around with a girl. My leg bounces up and down. I do nothing. I want to dance only with [Name]. And I want to have fun only with her. And a pretty model vies for my validation. I give her none. I want to give what I have to [Name].

I feel selfish in that I want to save every experience and every laugh and cry with [Name]. When I leave her last year I hit my all time low point. I think no one wants me. I sit in my room all day depressed while [Name] waits by my side. I cant believe she wants to be with someone like me. I think its only a matter of time before she leaves me, so instead I force her to leave.

Thanks for listening Ed.

Sincerely,

PS.

I write to you my two previous e-mail while under a trance. I have all these feelings coming out of me that I would like to deal with better such as anger. I feel my dark side come up. As I writhe in my anger, I imagine scenarios in my head of how this plays out. I feel my eyes tire and I fall asleep in the airport. When I awake I come back into my conscious state.

To: Ed

I receive the package this afternoon unfortunately the book is damaged by water.

I am including the pictures.

Is it possible to get replacements - I can ship the damaged book back to you ?

Regards,

Try Govopoly in the new, super-absorbent size.

I am a trader from [Country] and would like to learn TTP and The Rocks Process,
make some new friends and have some fun:)

I quit my job as a system engineer in a big global company about a week ago and now I am trader.

You and your work have helped me to become a better person and a trader. I am so grateful!

What is the cost to attend the workshop and do you have some suggestions for a hotel? I am going to travel with my wife and son (3 months old).

Kind regards

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1753999/

I hope your life is honestly present, and I hope we can get together and talk "wedge programming".

Cheers!

I think about the control model and how I realise this thanks to [Name] and to you. I wonder how you deal with people who try to program you, for example pavlov. Usually I stay silent because I think if I acknowledge it the program would transfer over to me. I can program the other person also but that seems like a non option to me.

Basically I wonder how to live free in an unfree world and how to install a security feature in my mind. Or maybe live rightlihood means to go with the flow of whatever happens?

Thanks for listening Ed,

I write you after a long time just reading your blog.

Now I want to share my process and feelings again.

I work on my backtesting and trade-signal software for a few years now and on a more regular and eager basis after work more recently. I feel I can trade with my software after testing some systems and making some optimizations.

I also work on implementing a walk-forward-analysis (WFA) in my program. It makes me feel some frustration as I don't know how to implement it in a proper way. I try a few different versions but there are many possibilities how to handle the day after the WFA takes place.

I wonder how I have to handle existing positions (for example how to handle different risk-exposure in the old unoptimized vs. the new optimized positions). I feel a fear that I might not finish at all, always searching for "excuses" not to start. I also feel that a WFA might give a better / more realistic expectation of live trading results.

As I don't have enough money to trade futures I test stock systems. I read in your new book that a good trading system on futures might expect a MAR of 0.3 to 0.8. I wonder what you might expect of a good stock trading system.

Yours truly,

I read again 'A Random Walk Down Wall Street' and your interview in 'Market Wizards'. I read them in succession as before.

My mind 'leaps' to a finance class circa 1989. The site, sound and smell of the classroom are vivid and real to me now.

The space and time between then and now seem non-existent. A0, A1… comes to my mind.

At old A0, I recall feelings of confusion, annoyance, apprehension, anxiety and distraction.

At newA0 I feel feelings of acceptance, interest, surprise and joy.

Thank you for reading.

Four members attend the meeting.

We check feelings, I share my feelings of elation as I participate. Earlier the Tribe reschedules the meetings to a day of the week just to accommodate me. The Tribe decides to change the meeting day. A day of the week I am not able to attend. I feel ignored and feel despair. Knowing that there will be no Tribe for me to share feelings with. I feel sad. The tribe decides to change the day again to accommodate me. I feel happy and motivated able to attend the meetings again.

I am the first hot seat. I feel sadness and guilt. During a conversation, my mother shares her feelings of loneliness. She tells me she feels very helplessness at times. When I hear this I feel guilt and sadness. I feel abandoning my mother. After I move from my country, my mother tells me that she misses me. She tells me how all our relatives have their children living close. But she is the unfortunate one. Her kids are living far away from her.

The Tribe helps me to identify my issue instead of the "feeling guilt after talking to mother". One member comments that while I receive my mother's grievances it affects me. I feel guilty and sad. I develop forms and the PM tells me to freeze. I recall an incident from my teenage time, when my father embarrasses me in-front of a neighbor. It happens as I am walking back to the house. I pass by my father a neighbor standing close to the entrance. I hear my father referring to me as a wild kid (or animal in the native language). The neighbor laugh's loudly. He calls me by that name for a long time afterwards. I say nothing to them just keep on walking and smiling.

Tribe decides to role play the incident. A new member volunteer to play as my father. I walk into the room, my father talking to a neighbor mentions animal. I walk away smiling. The neighbor keeps repeating animal, animal and laughs, mocking me. We repeat this several times. I feel frustrated but still just walk away smiling. I notice that its hard for me to stop smiling. I am trying to mask my anger and humiliation.

After several repetitions, I feel very annoyed. I decide to talk to them, but my mother intervenes. She gives me advice, telling me to just keep it quite and walk away. Both members keep mocking on me. Keep calling me animal. I still keep on smiling, unable to stop myself from smiling. I start walking in a circle. I feel humiliation and anger. I walk back to my mother, push her. Tell her to take the rock back, she accepts after some resistance.

As I approach my father standing by the neighbor, they ignore me. I tell them "Please stop mocking me, stop calling me animal". The neighbor turns around, "don't talk to us.. you are animal". I notice my uncontrollable smile has disappeared. I keep on talking, "How dare you talk in front of you elders like this" my father says. I keep on saying "you are hurting me". "if you really want to get heart keep on talking" he says.

I keep talking. I tell him "am just young, not animal or stupid". "look at this animal he is talking back to his father" the neighbor says. Stop talking to us he reminds me with a stern face. I feel fear and frustration, I feel like I am hitting a concrete wall with my head and its bleeding. I keep on standing at the same spot looking at my father's face repeating "I am not stupid, stop calling me animal" almost whispering. We keep looking into each others eyes. "You are stupid and irresponsible" father says. Why would you say that? I ask. "well look at your older brother and look at yourself" he says.

I suddenly feel my throat is very dry and find it hard to speak. As he compares me once again to my older brother. We exchange arguments for sometime. At this point the PM suggests I try a different way.

I ask my father "how do you feel about me not as successful as my older brother?" "it makes me sad that my son will not stand up for himself". When I hear his answer, I suddenly feel love for my father, someone who loves and cares for me instead of someone who ridicule me. We exchange feelings after that few more times. We stop the role play.

I release tribe members from their roles. We all checkout.

Thank you.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU

Ed,

The last few months I have been playing with the idea that "there is no There, there". My whole life I have obsessed about things that I felt would change my experience.

· When I am driving to the ground breaking for [my] wing of Mount Sinia Hospital, in a new Ferrari with my super model billionaire heiress girlfriend seated next to me, then everyone (including me) will know I am (fill in the blank… ok, a success, worthwhile, etc etc)
· When I run a 3:15 marathon, qualifying me for Boston then I will be…. ( fit, accomplished, fast…etc)
· When I have X dollars in my account then (I can allow myself X, Y or Z, I will be secure, I will be happy etc etc.)
· When my girlfriend behaves XYZ way then (I can trust her, she loves me, I'm loveable..etc)
· This trade is profitable then (I will know I am a good trader, I can afford XYZ, I am smart)
· Examples etc etc

While there is some level of truth in those "if then" statements, to the extent I expect something to change the way I feel, I am bound to be disappointed. So when I get There (to the obsessive goal) I find that it doesn't change my experience, or my feelings about myself, and I am disappointed.

Now is where my thoughts get hard to separate from ideas ... I have learned about on your website etc.

The obsessing is itself the goal. It is obvious that the attainment of the obsessive goal does not produce the purported result. The obsession itself must be the intended goal. The form of obsession (sex, refrigerators, gambling, alcohol, yoga, dieting, running…) is not material. What is material is what the obsessing itself accomplishes. The obsessing serves to medicate ( block) the feelings/messages that Fred (or god, self, Higher Power, another person) is attempting to communicate to CM. When the medication/ obsession/ blockage is removed there is clearer communication with (FRED, Higher Power, Self, other people etc). When my experience of " The Present" is dominated by some obsession there is no room for other experiences. When I stay present I am free to experience.

More related thoughts:

· The zero point and the relief from medicating my feelings may feel similar. Is the way to tell them apart simply the journey that got me there?

· If there is no There, there

o I do not need to judge (because I do not have attachment to an obsessive outcome)

o There is no need to control (my experience, other people, my feelings , the market etc)

o I am not afraid of the present

o There is only Here, here

o I am not afraid of my feelings

o Life is easy (even when I am quarrying limestone under the blistering sun like Howard Roark)

o I go with the flow.

o I am open to learning

· Knowledge/belief in the above does not prevent me from choosing obsession.

I have an issue constructing pyramids. When do you add to a winning position?
I find that I am adding too early and the position goes from being profitable to a loss which is hard to handle emotionally. On the other hand if I don't add I feel like I am missing out on gains.

How do I determine the optimal add point for a pyramid?

Might consider adding Govopoly to the listing of your favorite books - it's on mine.

On Friday, November 13, 2009, "Moving On, you write

"When You Let Go of the Feeling of having to struggle ... You Make Space ... to attract something else.

I send you a picture illustrating my current situation.

Best regards,

Dear Ed,

I share an example (one of many I notice) of how TTP helps me connect proactively with the world.

A third party tells me that my close friend has misrepresented some information about me and about an agreement between the friend and myself.

As I listen to Third Party I feel strong anger towards my friend.

I recall an FAQ response in which you describe anger as a signal of boundary violation that indicates a need for boundary repair.

I look behind the signal to connect more deeply with my feelings of hurt and betrayal. I resolve to speak to my friend the next day after I sleep on the problem.

When we speak, I simply tell her what Third Party says. I feel curious and no longer angry. As she struggles to reconstruct her memory of the conversation, I feel calm and receptive.

The conversation with my friend leaves me with a clearer picture of the original interaction, including Third Party's intention in telling me about it.

I understand the system that operates between the three of us and accept that we all have a part in creating the results.

I believe that if I choose to express only my anger to my friend I would have additional drama on my hands, of my own creation.

For me, awareness of boundaries and our responsibility for their maintenance create the core value of TTP in my life.

Thanks again. I continue to grow so much as a result of TTP and FAQ!

Sincerely,

Thank you for your response. I see the pattern. I think I break free but maybe I just went on an emotional high. If this is what freedom feels like then I want to sign up. After I take a nap on the plane I come down from my high.

But this feeling I feel and I feel I can see people's programming. I dont know how else to say it. I think I entertain drama. Thank you for pointing out my obsession. I wonder too what I would do without this obsession.

Take up your cross and bear it with love!

So I guess that pharisaism is a kind of narcissistic leadership which tells others which cross they should take and bear while they themselves might not be taking any cross?

I mean, most preaching usually seem to be done to others, to a third person. No responsibility is taken. Codependents would rush in to take anybody else's crosses and narcissists would indulge in unburdening their crosses on somebody else, while pharisees would tell the difference and/or call the shots?

Then it would be better to do preaching in SVO-p as well? Sort of:

I love God above everything else, and my brother like myself.
Lord forgive my sins, as I forgive those who has trespassed against me.

How do you see it? Thanks.

I just want to thank you for always being open to me and my emails. Hehehe. Sometimes I even write to you long f--king emails. And during the process I cry and feel angry a bit and some other stuff. Some of them I send and some I delete. And recently I think I write you at least 5 pages worth of story and words and stuff. And I cry a lot. And then after I write it I feel better. You serve as my diary. I hope you dont find that insulting or anything. Its actually a compliment. Since I can't write this kind of thing in a real diary when I address it to you I feel like you understand me and read it. I feel stupid writing to a book. I rather write to a real person who cares and then not send it.

Thanks Ed.

Also I wonder how you do in Puerto Rico. I imagine your community consisting of a bunch of rich guys just chilling by the beach and some beautiful spicy puerto rican women.

Many many thanks. Really Ed. I feel grateful that I can cry now.

Sincerely,

-----

I think [Name] has emotional trouble right now. I think we both have simultaneous Aha's yesterday. Today I talk to her to get closure. She cries on skypes. The connection gets cut. I feel my eyes getting heavy but I cannot sleep thinking about her condition. I don't know how she reacts to this. If I can ask a favor from you ... please give her a call and just check up on her.

I plan to stay up the night just in case.

Thanks Ed,

-----

I think I break her...

-----

Holy s--t Ed. [Name] and I set each other free from our programminh. And everythings seems so clear. People's conditioning and their program. I sit in a plane as I write this and I see the triggers. I would like you to check up on [Name] if you wish to. I title this email myself, two more break free.

I stay awake last night and even now at noontime I find myself wide awake. I feel a high only freedom brings. I can accomplish anything.

I wish to start a Tribe. If not in [Place], then I can create one in [Place]i or [Place]. I wish to call all Tribe members who think about joining a Trading Yribe more than a month and read at least 6 months of FAQ from any year. Please write Ed with preference of location. I would like help you break free and then we can help each other survive and prosper.

-----

I feel my heart rise as I write to you. I cannot fall asleep on my flight. Even though I stay up all night. My eyelids feel heavy but I feel alert and vigilant. I write to [Name]. I ask her if she breaks free as I do. She replies "yes, i am free now. Good morning." I remain uncertain. When I think about her and her freedom the top and bottom rows of my teeth grind against each other enough to. I think many people name this feeling nervous. I hope in my heart that she breaks free also. I know that we did some work. She tells me her weak right knee feels strong since when I start my Tribe work. I take this as a optimistic sign for she breaks free from the burden that I bring. For she gives me the greatest gift I receive. Money cannot buy this gift. Ed I hope you will continue to encourage others including [Name]. I want her to be free. Her name means Free. And with that statement I realize she has the freedom to choose what she wants. I breath a quick deep breath and tears well up in my eyes.

Thank you for listening Ed.

With much love and respect,

I feel able access to The Akashic Record on certain levels, achieving fear in the process. It feels true. http://www.crystalinks.com/akashicrecords.html

-----

After I sent my e-mail I looked at my bookcase. I took"When The Impossible Happens" by Stan Grof, from the shelf, opened to page 133, Part 4
Have We Lived Before - Reincarnation and the Akashic Record. I have never read this book before. I bought it with Holotropic Breathwork and put it on the bookshelf. It felt like a practice, similar to an astral projection, which I enjoy. Is the Zero Point a gateway to or detour from our grid.

In response to your curiosity; The pain remains after the process although it is not as acute as previously.

The "cause" of the pain is a mild curvature of the spine. About a year ago after a breakdown which results in the temporary loss of the ability to walk, I receive two treatment options; (medical) involving the insertion of metal rods along the spine; or (pro-active) a combination of exercises, diet change and as you term it right livelihood.

After choosing the latter option the therapist who guides me along this path suggests "your body is responding really well to the treatment if you can fix your head you'll be right". This comment draws me back to TTP.

I am enjoying applying the TTP principles especially SVOp-b, receiving feelings, honouring commitments and proactive responses. Sharing feelings needs work. People in my life are benefitting from the application of your philosophical framework.

Thank you for providing feedback on our implementation of the Rocks Process. After reading this feedback I feel a sense of sadness.

I feel happy that I am not the only person who notices, and occasionally cringes at, grammar and usage errors (thanks to my ninth-grade English teacher, who was a grammar nazi).

Apparently Weird Al belongs to our group as well.

http://youtu.be/8Gv0H-vPoDc

Regards,

I read about the snapshot process and I feel heat rise up to my chest, head and neck, then dissipate like steam. I don't know what to call this feeling. This feeling leads me to wonder if one can cancel a snapshot process. I don't know if I can undo a snapshot process or simply have to replace it, with the underlying snapshot always a layer away. Maybe I can distance the unwanted snapshot with layers upon layers of snapshots. I think the toughest part might be creating emotional vividness.

As I write this to you coming off my high yesterday, I see how happy I feel yesterday and how happy [Name] feels yesterday, and then my heart drops as I realise I may just be full of sh--. Tears fall from my eyes my chest contracts. I want to make her happy and I did.

With a heavy heart,

Sincerely,

P.S. It seems I awake from more than my slumber. I awake from my fantasy. And life's a bitch.

P.P.S. I read the pollinators report on your website. I read Ed's check in report on April 1, 2004. I lay on my stomach with my laptop in front of me. My feet in the air, tapping against each other.

EYES ON THE ROAD!

Jul 23, 2014

Tribe Meeting Report - More on Rocks or Bust

Ed,

... continuing from meeting report below ...

Member 4 is next and appoints me as process manager. His homework to avoid medicating loneliness goes well. He finds productive activities to fill the time vacated by hanging around with old girlfriends etc and enjoys it, to his surprise. It's not that hard after a while.

He presents with the issue that he has a painful bad back but fails to do his exercises. The exercises stop his back from hurting when he does them, but he fails to do them very much. We observe that "doing the least he can get away with" is a common theme with Member 4. We run the hot seat with me as Process Manager. He fails to get very worked up about it. With his permission, we try to goad him into feeling regret for various failures to take action and to reflect on the consequences. This works, sort of but he seems somewhat impervious. We ask for a pivotal event. Member 4 is uncertain for a while and then says "**** it, I will go with the best one I can think of".

He recalls his mother being told by his teacher that he is very clever and can do really anything he wants to do. [I remember being told the exact same thing. My mother frequently reminds me of this and it annoys me.] We conclude that he got from the teacher the ideas/rocks that a) he does not need to work b) Not needing to work is proof he is talented. We identify a new rock that you need to work hard to make the most of yourself. He likes the new rock. The hot seat seems to work, though the process felt wobbly. And the entry point of physical pain confuses us a bit.

On checkout, Member 1 says "I just don't get the rocks process, but this one seems to make sense".

Member 4 states his desire attend the next workshop in Puerto Rico which Ed mentions on FAQ.

Writing this out I see that Member 4 and I have similar issues this week but they look quite different on the outside.

In meeting checkout and afterwards we feel that the "rocks or bust" approach works well. And the new exercises seem to help, though they are a bit painful. I think next time I will structure them as a praise sandwich something you like about the person, some opportunity for improvement, something you like. Always followed by a receiving response "Thank you".

I (member 3) chair the meeting. Drumming goes well after I start with a very simple beat. Members check in and most are going well.

Member 4's mother tells him how much she enjoys his company since he has been going to Tribe.

Member 5 is now ready to start trading in size.

I am feeling well after recovering from influenza; I had an unexpected positive financial windfall last week. Member 1 has not done his homework though and his health problems persist and he has not been to the gym for a few weeks. For warm-up we do "tell us how you feel" and "show us how you feel" and in the middle do two rounds of sharing something admirable about the person and one round of some criticism of the person. This seems to provoke some feelings. In my case I feel a bit demoralized after hearing I run the meetings with too pedantic an adherence to the process.

Three people have good hot seat topics.

First member 1. He has periods of 'flatness'. Also he feels guilt over his large losses on a business start-up from ~15 years ago and major trading losses up to 12 months ago though now profitable since we revamped the Tribe here; his wife has had to go back to work as a result of the losses. Member 5 is process manager. We work to amp up the feeling of guilt and it seems to be working. We add in some verbal reminders of why he might feel guilty. But the attempt to freeze the feeling and find a pivotal moment fails. The earliest incident that comes to mind is the earlier business failure. Nothing before age 18. His life goes smoothly and successfully before the failure of the start-up business, which costs him his first house. After the failure of the business he has to go back to work in a lesser job, after earlier achieving status of full partner.

We conclude eventually that perhaps the feelings are not due to a rock. Rather the feelings of guilt may be a natural response to these events. If he wants to work on the feeling more he can intensify the feeling by keeping a log of when he feels it and what impact it has. Otherwise, if he can honor the intent of the feeling and fully experience the feeling, which he thinks is there to prevent further big mistakes, maybe there is no problem.

On checkout we feel disappointed we do not get to a rocks process but we feel we try hard and the outcome makes sense. A couple of members feel concern Member 1 lets his health problems slide. This does not form part of the hot seat but people feel this. Member 1 feels that things are going well in the big picture. His trading is the main thing and it is going well. He feels anxiety he will mess things up again but apart from a glitch a few months ago he has not done this of late. A couple of members mention they feel impressed at his recovery from the glitch - the pressure in context must have been enormous.

Member 4 is next. I omit his hot seat report for now as I am having trouble remembering the details of the resolution, though it was a successful full rocks process.

I am next. My issue from last time is that when I find something difficult - especially if it makes me feel stupid - I become demoralized very quickly and give up. This happens a few times with my physics studies. I get stuck and put the book down for a long time eg 18 months. Meanwhile I go off on all sorts of tangents and learn all around the topic and then come back when it has become easy due to all the ancillary learning. This all makes for very slow progress. On other areas I have given up too easily to my great cost. Member 5 is process manager. I ramp it up and as usually happens the feelings intensify rapidly within a few minutes. I am lying down and it gets dark as I roll and twist.

I have the strong sensation of being born and coming out into a confusing noisy world. The PM is asking for a pivotal incident. I hesitate to say because it seems stupid. After birth I feel helpless, weak, ignorant. My mother reinforces these feelings by the very directive way she handles me. My father donates some rocks: If you are sufficiently talented at something, it will be effortless. You should just know things.

I remember him ridiculing me for asking some obvious questions about something he asks me to do for him on the farm. Check the cattle! What should I be looking for? You are such an idiot, everyone knows that! Also, if something does not come easy, you are not cut out for it and should give up.

And his favorite rock: all academic pursuits are worthless (I did well at school).

It takes me quite a while to get this out because it feels so stupid - "rebirthing" and so forth. Maybe I have read Stan Grof's book too many times. I read it 3 times. I am thinking about doing a Breathwork weekend as I am starting to run short of hot seat material.

A few raised eyebrows but we decide to press on to the rocks process. The scene is bringing home a school report in third grade where I came top of the class. I feel very proud. My mother says I am clever and does not mention my hard work, but my father says that it is not so good because the teacher said I tried hard.

I should be smart enough to do well without being a swat. And anyway, academic work is worthless, nothing to do with the real world. He tells again one of his favorite stories about how stupid academics are, and tells us about his sporting triumphs yet again. We look for more proactive strategies.

I get my teacher, our beloved Miss [Name] to give the new strategies to me: Hard work is quite normal. No matter how talented you are, you need to work hard to get the most out of yourself. You will always have obstacles and sticking points. The key thing is to find ways past them and to seek out resources to help you do that.

And she reminds me of the quote from Michael Faraday in 1854, responding to William Gladstone, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, who wondered what good would come from research in electricity (http://theenergylibrary.com/node/10046) "Sir, I do not know, but someday you will tax it" as an example of the immense good that academic research has done in the world. I suddenly feel sad for my father who dropped out of school supposedly after a sporting injury and I think perhaps this is why he dismisses academics.

Also: You can be confused or uncertain. There is no need to pretend to be what you are not. It is usually better to be authentic than to pretend to be always on top of things.

After the reenactment I review other situations where I have given up or stalled after hitting obstacles. The new resources seem to work well.

This morning I pick up my physics textbook. I had stopped at a passage where the author says "we can easily show the degree of reflection for dielectrics based on what we have found so far <launches into confusing derivation>".

I had been stuck for a few days at this point. I have the idea to work through the derivations with a note pad at my side and fill in the gaps on my note pad. This blindingly obvious idea works really well. Somehow I had the idea I should be able to fill in all the gaps in the derivations in my head. I recall that often after a hot seat, a really simple solution to a problem comes to me that has been staring me in the face, as in this case.

I apologize for the depressing email I send you earlier. I write to tell that [Name] and I speak today and I feel great!! I feel full of love and light warm things. Yesterday I tell you that when I spoke with [Name] I drift into a dark and and scary place full of anger and fear. Today I speak with her and I find that I drift into such a light and wonderful place full of love and sharing and support and warmth! I feel full of hope. I like this light place where I find myself. In contrast to the dark place where I spend two years of my life.

I have a goal in mind that I want to share with you. I want to move to [City] with [Name] and I want to have a place of our own in a beautiful and safe environment. I want to have money saved in the bank. I want to create a Tribe with [Name].

Goal I don't want to work for an hourly wage. Rather I think I will enjoy working more for goals or a specific project. I can see myself working with a group of funny, caring, and supportive people, with each of us supporting each other's goals and survival. I see long, but fun working / hanging out nights where we get to know each other and also accomplish some goals at the same time. I want to hang out with a group of winners and I want to become a winner. I see myself working part-time at Wholef Foods in the city. So we can get discounts on food supply as well as contribute to the goal of the group. I want to start a fund. First I will make a system. I want to create an environment where individuals can work together or on their own projects. I will gather a bunch of individuals together and we each make a system that fits our emotional system. With the group of traders together we can create a fund, which we can offer to clients. They can invest with one or a combination of our traders. [Name] will handle the paperwork. I think she likes that role and excels in that role. It is late at night. I feel invigorated for this project. I cannot wait to create this Tribe and this home feeling. I would like to talk to you to help clarify my vision and some input about your past experience. Not as advice but maybe just as a reminder.

I walk into the kitchen and I feel this feeling while washing the dishes. I describe this feeling as happiness. I feel blood flowing into my veins. [Name]i sees me on skype she says I have a nice rosy color now. I feel my body temperature rising. I start to feel heat. I feel like I awake from my slumber.

I want to provide a home away from home for my tribe. My Tribe will feel welcomed whenever they want to come back home. This will be their home. They might live somewhere else but this is where they come after a tiring day at work or if something in their life doesn't go well or goes great. Where we can comfort you on your worst day.

I remember having this sort of feeling when I went to college. We have a Tribe. [Names] make up the core members of my college Tribe. I remember this feeling of family. To each other we are who we are with all of our faults and cracks, we accept each other. From the outside I hear this group looks untouchable, although from the inside I feel oblivious to the fact. Each person's power multiplied the groups power exponentially. Instead of 2+2+2+2+2, We sum up to 2^5. I remember this feeling. I think it is my right livelihood. To provide a home for people with no home. Group members may have much nicer houses, but they will feel at home in my house or apt (I want to have an apt for this group). I always say that everybody needs a house bum. A person who stays in a lot and feels comfortable at home, esp with [Name] by my side. At the time we had the goal of finishing college, and also finding the best quality buds around. Without those goals, the group fell apart. This time I learn from past experience to keep the group moving. This time my goal is not to merely earn a living. I want to create a power group. [Nmae] and I will be the backbone of this group. I want to make my stamp on this world. Where this group takes us I wont know for sure.

I hope that you will serve me as a mentor during this life process. I don't think I will be making a Trading Tribe group, although I consider that an option. I want this group to grow organically. I learn a lot from the FAQ's you have Ed. I have the money right now to speak to you personally. I will call you one of these days, but not now. Thank you Ed, for being there for me as I go through my tough times. The knowledge that you accept all who come to you. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt so alone even though I am with my family, and I talk to you in my head and imagine what you might say to me.

"I wonder how you feel about <insert emotion>."
"I wonder where in your body you feel <insert emotion>."
"Thank you for <insert function>"

I cannot imagine how pitiful I must sound to you in my previous emails. Thank you for <putting up with me> and <accepting my thought and feelings>.

I would like to put together another Tribe, with a mission and a purpose.

I feel reinvigorated. I wonder if I may talk to you for free about defining my goals, and a snapshot process. I dont know when my head flows with ideas now. I dont take the time to read this email back. I feel excited and ready to go. I skip around in this email.

Excited!

With a mission and purpose,

P.S. I will get back to you once I clarify exactly what I want, and then I will talk to you to figure out how I can achieve this. Thanks Ed!

Ed,


The result of the ACA was that subsidies would only be paid to those who bought insurance on STATE exchanges. The government is arguing that this was not their intention. Either they are not aware of TTP or they are ignoring the equation results = intentions.

I am happy the court recognized the meaning of words but I am fearful that our government rules by intention.

Unfortunately the trend is that the commonly held definitions of words are being usurped to achieve political goals. I wonder if I now need to have two dictionaries, a liberal one and a conservative one. I wonder what dictionary the FAQ website uses.

I consider a while ago to move there, but I have an issue with mosquito-borne illnesses.

Thank you Ed for helping me realize this.

It has been awhile since I have shared an e-mail with you. I hope all has been going well in Puerto Rico.

I am writing for a couple reasons.

1. I was thinking the other day sitting out on my back porch. I realized I have much more peace in my life than I used to a few years ago when I graduated from college, not knowing what do with my life and how to accomplish my goals.

After a few failed attempts of trying to find my path and make something of myself, I found an interesting area that I would never have pictured myself tackling. Systematic trading in markets that I knew nothing about. The idea of systematic trading took away all the complicated and unnecessary knowledge of market economics and fundamentals which I never had a good understanding. And sharing a few conversations with you on the phone fueled my inner drive to figure out how to accomplish a deep understanding of systematic trading/trend following. 3 years later, programming on a nightly basis, speaking with many professional trend followers/systematic traders, I know have a path and a solution to accomplish my goals. I know have robust systems in place. I also found that my personality works well with my systems and have been able to follow through 30% drawdowns and taking the next trade without a second thought. I am filled with peace about my personal future and trading systems. I can now focus on other goals that were hidden behind a cloud caused by uncertainty and confusion of which path I was going to accept and follow. Thanks for the attention 3 years ago.

2. Round Tuit and Essentials Carry Card. For those who wish to mail you for these items, do we mail you at your Texas address?

Best regards and happy trading,

"Survival" and "supporting others" form another one of those Venn diagrams in which "Both" is the juiciest territory.

I may need to get a Venn diagram tattooed somewhere prominent on my body, as often as I forget to visualize this freeing image.

I feel relief and happiness, mostly in my chest and shoulders, as if a weight has evaporated off me.

Cheers!