May 10, 2014

Working in New York (see previous)

Ed,

Four to five days after our conversation about my difficulty find employment, and my habit of not showing up, I am working in the industry I want, doing the type of work I want to do. It is amazing how has quickly life aligned itself to fulfill my need\want, once I became clear of my intentions. Before my conversation with you, I wasted a lot of energy wavering unsure of what path to take and not having an inkling of where I wanted to be or do in life. I have gained a lot of clarity within this past week, and I feel a re-invigoration/surge of energy from within me. I find myself happy to be in motion, filled with energy and experiencing energy, and to have a direction. Another change I have noticed is that my perspective has shifted back to usual perspective of being happy to experience life instead of the fearful perspective I was immersed in these past few months. Now, my current intention is to become aware of my life's purpose, since that's the type of "work" I truly want to dedicate myself to, until then, I will enjoy my current employment.

I am grateful that in the process of my self-questioning, it came to find to contact you.Thank you for the help, Mr. Ed, I think of you as a skilled Shaman.

May 10, 2014

Breathwork Follow Up - Dealing with Disapointment (see previous)

Dear Ed:

The last month has brought many changes and realizations.

One of my goals has been to loose weight and develop power over food. For the past 12 months I have attempted fasts but failed. Last week I finally succeed in a 24 hour juice fast. It was easy and I felt good throughout the process. I have now lost 5 lbs since breath work. I now have a weight loss system that works for me.

This was suggested by a member of the Austin tribe a year ago - the 5:2 intermittent fasting. When I first heard about it - I immediately rejected it - but over the year learned more about it and found that it is the right system for me. I find it surprising that I would reject or dismiss something without consideration and then later find out it was right. I wonder what the purpose of such a mental program is.

The key issue I dealt with at breath work was not dealing with my wife's hoarding. I was avoiding the feeling of disappointing her. I pleaded with her over the past 5 years but there was no progress. I felt frustrated but the only option I saw was to fall asleep and avoid the issue. I was completely blocked on this issue. I loved my wife and felt loved by her, but I also felt a sense of disappointment in our marriage. I personally felt powerless to affect change in my own house. I work from home - and I live in the countryside - so I rarely leave home. The home had areas that were "mine" and "hers". If I ever move or threw anything away in "her" territory - even if it was rotten food - she would get upset and I would back off. I would build up feelings of anger and would have an outburst at a later time. I became the guy who had unpredictable outbursts. There was stuff all over the floor - that I would constantly "collide" with - and I was labeled as "clumsy". I also constantly kept dropping food - which triggered her OCD - but I never understood why.

Over the past month - I cleaned out the kitchen area so it became easier to walk. I disposed 2 refrigerators without telling her and a third one will be picked up next week. I will give the 4th one away for free as I cannot find a buyer for that model. I met with my step daughter who is concerned about this issue and I agreed to cleaning out the garage by July 4th - one truckload at a time.

So far it appears that the impact has been positive. My wife did get mad and upset when she found out what had happened, but then things went back to normal. I now feel I have a workable system to deal with it. Sometime, when all the negotiating and the pleading fails - the only step left is to take action and risk the relationship.

Yesterday, I had a deeper discussion with my step daughter than we have ever had - in the past we would clash, but this time I let her express her feelings, even though I did not agree with how she felt about my wife. I encouraged her to share her feelings with her mother rather than judging and evaluating her.

I made progress with broken commitments and caught up with projects that I was behind in. I feel better and under less pressure than I did a month ago.

I look forward to continuing the work.

Best Regards,

May 10, 2014

Breathwork Report - Fear of Organ Failure

Hi Ed,

Its been 1 month since Breathwork. Since Breathwork my process has deepened considerably. I've been processing deep issues that go back to my earliest years.

Specifically my fear about my organs failing, this is a deep complicated issue and many painful feelings have been seeping out in the last month.

I believe most of the feelings I'm processing have been stored in my body from the period of 0-12 years old. This is deep, heavy and painful work.

I know reconciling these stuck feelings is a important part of the process along the path to right livelihood.

Thank you,

I would like to post my experience (below) on the FAQ-Forum.

Thanks for starting this forum to give people the opportunity to share, learn and grow.

Best,

- - - - -

First, thanks for starting this forum to share and receive feedback, it is much appreciated!

I just wanted to share my experience on this forum. A few weeks ago I set myself the goal to become a (very) profitable trader. Already some years ago I read a few books like "trade your way to financial freedom" and "the Market wizards" and so re-reading these books, made me realize that I need some serious goal setting to achieve my objective.

For my goals, I used the template set out in the book "Super Trader" by Van Tharp: the first step being working on yourself. I admit that I didn't quite understand this "working on yourself" at first, I am not sure if I fully do now. However when I read the interview in Market Wizards of Ed Seykota, I started to get curious and looked up this website, here I found the article on how the TT-system works and the interplay between the FRED and CM. There it clicked that everyone gets what the FRED wants.

So I ordered the book "the Trading Tribe" by Ed Seykota and for the first step of becoming a profitable trader I made the following objective:

Re-program my FRED so that I don't play out my drama's in the market (or in my design of trading system) and I fully realize what it is that I want.

I think a first step to this goal is to allow my current feelings the flow freely and not judge them so my CM and FRED can work together on current feelings and I don't create more "knots." Perhaps it can even untie some old knots.

I am also keeping a journal on my feelings and try to go over special past experiences and try to feel the feelings of these past experiences.

As soon as Ed's book arrives, I will read it and I will try to use the insights (on how) to further re-program my FRED. After that I assume that I will need to visit Trading-Tribe meetings (unfortunately no TT in here in Hong Kong) or looks for other ways. I noticed that Van Tharp also got some home study guides to deal with the "knots".

In the meantime I am pondering on the question when I know that I have re-programmed my FRED enough so that I (my FRED) don't run my trading account into the ground.

One possible answer I currently have is that after some (substantial) work and (perceived) progress, I just need to get out there and start trading with small money and very small positions and analyze myself (FRED and SM) under real-time trading conditions and keep working on the interplay between my CM and FRED.

Thanks!

May 10, 2014

Tribe Meeting Report

Hi Chief,

4 member attend our meeting on April 29.

One member's car is broken and he manages to fix it and still join the meeting. After nearly 3 years, I start feel glad to see members are really picking up commitment to work hard on our own issues.

While waiting for the other members to come, we start a warming up role play. I don't intend it as a full process, but an exercise play to locate issues.

One member has an issue with his shooting class instructor. He feels that his instructor is dragging him back on the learning schedule. The instructor now spends more time on reviewing old stuff and not teaching him new skills. While he is paying for his private class, he finds the instructor is doing something else sometimes, instead of focusing on teaching him new skills. He also feels angry when the instructor tells him that the people in the range don't like the Tribe member, and the instructor believes the member has emotional problem and he is not suitable for shooting. He tells the member to have more patience.

During the first part of the role play, we kind of play the entire episode of the shooting class, and dwell too much on the lengthy details of the class, until we find the triggering point, when the instructor tells the member that he is not liked by the people in the range and he has emotion problem. We find it and correct our play and focus only on replay this short piece of triggering event. It's a good lesson we learn for conducting role play, to quickly locate the triggering scene and focus on the snapshot of the happening.

I stand up and join the instructor to tell the client that he needs more patience, and ask another member to join me to do so. So we have 3 instructors surrounding the client and tell him that he needs more patience. Later I realize that I learn this from Austin tribe.

This is a warming up we play while waiting for the other members to come. So we don't run the full rock process and go directly to try the intimacy-centric relating. I volunteer to play a surrogate of the client. I ask the instructor how he feel about my progress. He tells me that I have learned piece by piece and now I need time to put them together. I share with him that I feel I am not getting enough what I want and I feel I am slowing down in recent lessons, not getting new stuff for the class. The instructor tells me that I am at a plateau and need time to integrate.

When all the members arrive, we start drumming and check ins. One member reports that he has a problem with his roommate. They work together on trading. He find that his roommate is not doing his own job and always ask the tribe member to do his job for him. The roommate doesn't read the subscription and let the member explain to him, and sometimes when the member is ready to go to work in the morning, the roommate would stop him and ask him to explain the trade. Sometimes the roommate would knock his door and ask him for help while he is busy. He feel the roommate is treating him like an employee and controlling him.

We help the member get into his forms when experiencing feeling of being forced to do work for others, being controlled. He bends over, clenches his fists and tighten his shoulder. He does it slowly and rock his body slightly. We encourage him to pick up the moves. After a while, I freeze him and ask him to recall a childhood incidents where he feels exactly the same feelings, and who is there. He recalls that he sees his father. He recalls that he is seeing himself home sitting at the desk doing homework, while his father steps into his room and look over his shoulder what he is doing. The father usually look at him for long time and he feel lots of pressure, specially on his back. He shuts down.

We discuss this and identify his mom is the rock donor. The member remembers once his parents have a disagreement about how to help him on his study and the mom shuts down when the dad getting harsh. One member volunteers to play his mother. One member plays his father and comes into the room and stands behind him. He stays there long time and even I start to feel uncomfortable. I see the the client sitting there, hunching his back and writing. The room is full of suppressive feelings.

I feel goose bumps. It reminds me what my mom, and sometime the principal make me feel. The mom walks up and gives the son the shutting down rock, tells him whenever the dad is around and watching him, even he feel uncomfortable, don't say a word, don't show his feelings. The client accepts the rock and stays in the chair.

We then conduct the rock fore-giving. When the son giving back the rock back, the mom insists the son to keep the old rock. It takes some effort for the son to rid of the rock. I feel the commitment of the son. I play the messenger and deliver the heart rock to the client. I tell him it comes with 24/7 tech support on sharing feelings.

We role play the situation again. The son stands up and ask how the dad feels. The mom tries to stop the son from doing so. I like this part for it makes it harder for the son to start the new way. The dad tells the son that he wants to make sure the son do well in class, so he can go to college and be able to find a good job. The son tells the father that he feels uncomfortable for being watched, and he doesn't feel fun to study that way.

Sometimes the son talk something like "you spend more time with my brother", "you make me feel I am not good enough". And I help the client to stick to how "I feel" in those situations instead of saying anything sounds like blaming, or judging.

The client get used to it quickly and starts to exchange feelings with the dad more efficiently. When the conversation goes to certain point which triggers the father to start to have feelings coming up, the son switch to receiving mode and ask how the father is feeling. This goes back and forth few times, and both sides traverse different layers of feelings.

At this moment, the role play start to stand out from the field and no longer needs my coaching. I am watching the two, the son and the father, starting to peel each others feelings and touching deep in the hearts. The son shares with his father that he wants more attention from the dad, and then dad shares his feeling of frustration from his own work, past, and eventually he tells the son he loves him. That moment touches me.

We then check out feeling in the roles and the client releases every member from their roles. In the final checkout, I thank the client to bring up this issue and benefit all of us. and I really appreciate the two players, who plays the dad and the mom. I think this is the best role play we ever have.

We have a short talk then adjourn the meeting. I feel my local tribe meeting is getting better and better quality now. And members start to report back the meeting about their progress after meeting and I want to encourage them to start writing to FAQ directly. I feel lucky I can practice the best art of self-growth and have a Tribe of local friend to share the journey.

Thanks,

May 10, 2014

Tribe Meeting Report

Hi Chief,

We have a tribe meeting March 18. We have 4 members in the meeting.

While waiting for other members, we start with a warming up role play. One member reports he has a problem with his friend. His friend makes him marry a woman he doesn't love. He feels he wants to blame that friend. His friend persuades him to marry a girl, and his friend, friend's wife and all other members from his family make the arrangement of his engagement and marriage, even he doesn't really want it.

One member checks in his progress after last tribe meeting. He says he experience a period of high energetic days after the last meeting. He works very hard, easily and he is open to his coworkers and boss. And his boss likes his changes. Another member reports that after his last meeting, he starts to open the door of a lot dormant feelings. He actually calls me after last tribe meeting and tell me he wants to be on hot seat this meeting. He says he has anger he wants to rid of. I want know a specific measurable anger problem but he start self analysis and don't reply with a clear definition of the measurement of his problem.

I tell him I don't understand his problem. I feel all other members' problems are specific and clear and I don't see it in his statement. He starts to talk about his analysis about his situation after his mom's death. And he start to looking for root of his family.

I point out I need a clear definition of problem and a clear measurement of progress, and he gets angry to me suddenly, and he says if I keep asking him about this, I can ask other members to help me to understand him or he wants to pass and leave the meeting.

I feel some blockage in my chest and some confusion. This is the first time I feel being challenged in the meeting and I realize he is hot. I decide to support his anger and help him feel more. So I keep agitating him. I ask other members if they want a dinner break first or they want to proceed. The tribe want to continue meeting.

He says he wants to throw his water bottle cross the room. We encourage to do it. and he eventually throw it to the ground. Tribe help him get into forms. He says "I am kicking you ass", " I want to get out of here". I freeze him when his forms are at the peak.

He recalls that when he was young, he once go out to the market place and see the arcade. He wants to play and then he comes back home and steals money from his dad and then use it to play the game. His dad finds out and starts beating him. He runs around and can't get away. He keeps telling his dad he won't do it again.

After dinner, we role play this. We identify the client has shutting down rock. A member plays his father. During the chastising we realize that he also has rock of trying to reason with his angry dad and tries to talk him out of anger. So he has two rocks to work on, one is shutting down and the other is reasoning with people to stop their anger. To explore different situations, I also volunteer to play another instance of his dad.

After the son tells me he steals the money, I feel extremely mad and start to beat him. The son tries to talk to me and I show him a "talk to my hand" attitude. The member runs around and I just don't give a dime what he talks about. I start to fit into the role of a man shutting down the feelings and only fist talks. I corner the client and he looks desperate.

This reminds me a incident when I was young, my cousin steals my stuff and sell / give it away to the classmates. When he tells me he won't do it again, I feel he is lying. then we pause and forgive the rock and deliver the heart rock, the Tribe share with the client that he needs to share feeling in this case.

Then we role play again, this time the client asks me how I feel when I want to hit him. I feel disturbed and tell him my anger. This feels different and I feel less in control. He stands there and looks at me in the eyes. And then he tells me that he wants more time with me. I start to feel my fault of not spending time with him and I feel less angry and less judgmental about his stealing.

In this process, we identify a common rock of all of us, namely, trying to reason with an angry person. I intentionally to play hard on the "talk to the hand" attitude and get a different feeling from the other side of the drama, when the client starts to talk on my feelings.

It's also a meeting where the first time I encounter the transference where a tribe member re-directs his anger toward me as the PM, I really thank the client giving me the opportunity to manage his process and take the challenge.

I notice from recent few meetings that sometimes I start to have the ability to detach what I do from what I feel. When the client redirect his anger toward me, and threatens to leave the Tribe, I feel fear of a failed unhappy end of meeting, tension in my palms and throat, heartbeat rising, and somehow I stick to the system.

I notice similar pattern in recent trading that I feel pain of whipsaw and portfolio heat, but somehow I am able to pull the trigger and never miss a signal and my accounts equity get ahead. It seems somebody else does it for me. It seems a gift I receive.

I feel that I really want to continue my tribe work in both Austin tribe and my local tribe. It's rewarding.

thanks,

- - - - -

Here is the excerpt of the update from the client tribe member after his first hot seat:

Hi Fellow Tribe Members,

It was my second official TT meeting at [ tribe name], also the second TT meeting ever in my life, and I also got my very first Hot Seat ever last evening. It was an unforgettable experience, and one that may have changed my life as I sure will find out as time goes on.

The Tribe very skillfully pulled my problem emotion (strong anger, hard-suppressed) out into the open while avoided my well-honed subconscious rationalizing pattern to again engage and attempt to "explain it, be right, and physically walk away and disappear" (looking back, that was how I had done it all my life - my old rocks).

The rest is history and I was glad to hear PM said that my Hot Seat last evening was the best one the tribe has ever had, I am sure there will be even better ones to come, but it did please me to hear him say that. It was incredible for me to had gone through the role-play with the tribe to rid of the old rocks and replaced them with the new - I literally held that new rock in my hand on my way driving home last evening, I woke up with it in my hand, I drove with it in my hand to work, and it was not until I got to the office I placed it in my left pant pocket, I have carried or held it with me ever since.

During today all day, while I still felt a full range of emotions of sadness to doubts (a mix of normal daily emotions and whatever I have been experiencing mourning my parents since April last year), I did not feel that strong anger at all. In the past year, that strong anger had always remained hidden in the background locked away with all my rationalizing, and this strong anger had acted like glue and amplifier causing all my other emotions to show up like a big ball of terror that I had to try even harder to rationalize and press down and hide away.

Today I noticed that I did not get privately agitated by certain individuals at work like I used to (and had to press down my emotions), and I have been able to check with myself on my own feelings often (though I have not been able to become more perceptive of others' emotions around me, yet). I am now overall better on monitoring and inspecting my own feelings and acknowledging others emotions, and this is great progress considering how bad of a shape I was in emotionally - besides the strong anger I had to mentally held back, I also had to try to hold back my old rocks of "rationalizing and walking away" because these old rocks were actively killing off joys and peace in my life relationships as well.

And it did feel foreign and even somewhat funny all day today when I stopped feeling that strong anger and missing the old rocks of rationalizing and walking away. I feel my mind just got a lot of empty rooms because some really troublesome tenants (old rocks) that had moved in many, many years ago in my youth finally got evicted for good - now I am helping a new tenant (new rock) to move in that will help me to perhaps still get a chance to rebuild my life into the way it is supposed to be.

Now I can just hold my position in space naturally at work, without having to justify or reason myself to be right, etc.

And finally, after working all day at the office, when I arrived home, I felt that deep physical exhaustion and I finally had a really peaceful long nap - I have not had such peaceful rest for many months since middle of last year, and I had become so numb with my feelings (tried to suppress them down so hard) that I did not even realized how really physically exhausted I have become since the beginning of this year. I can imagine that if I still hold down my old rocks and kept that private strong anger, I very well will start harming my own physical health because that numbness would eventually prevent me to be perceptive of my mental and physical pains so to allow me to push myself off the edge.

I feel appreciative now and much more at peace. But at the same time, I am not denying that I do have doubts and concerns about my future, and even some regrets on the way I had unknowingly lived my life because of the old rocks, but now there is hope and true friends and support in the tribe.

Thank you all very much and I do feel grateful to have found the Tribe and gone through a TTP to the other end.

May 10, 2014

Breathwork Report - Changes Others by Changing Himself

Ed,

I check in a month after Breathwork April 2014. I feel good. The issue of deception and infidelity I take to Breathwork feels more and more like a building you pass while driving that slowly drifts out of view until you can barely see it through your rear view mirror. I notice my willingness to move forward and not dwell on past mistakes grows. I think to myself if intention = results, what does my tendency to dwell on past mistakes and not open door to forgiveness of myself and my wife say about my intention.

I start to focus on how our relationship feels "now"...it feels good, intimate, and loving...I decide to go with it. During this time I also read a FAQ entry 6/12/11 where a husband talks about how he has a hard time giving up control and that giving in feels like giving up or surrender. I feel I want to force my wife to talk about our situation but she seems unwilling and prefers to move forward. I struggle with this and weeks turn into months. After reading the entry I feel more comfortable letting go and see the positive intention in her desire to not talk about it and move forward. Not until now do I notice myself giving in on other issues that I previously remain stubborn on.

During the preparation for Breathwork I develop a desire to stop taking medication for my asthma when I see the side effects and notice I feel increasingly dependent on my medication. I feel anger and disgust when I read page 128 in Govopoly. When I visit my barber she tells me about how she gives her son warm water and Himalayan Sea Salt and how his asthma symptoms seem to clear. After a week of this salt water stuff and no rescue or daily inhalers I feel GOOD. I continue to monitor myself but I feel freer. I buy high altitude training mask to strengthen my lungs and hope to kick this medication to the curb.

The more time passes the more I take on the characteristics of the Silverback Gorilla in my Breathwork session. I feel more assertive, more powerful, I speak up more for myself and others. I feel less willing to take other people's sh-t This feeling prompts me to map out a path to leave my job and start trading. I feel scared and timid when I have to ask others for help. I draw a little courage from the statement "proper attire can help you communicate your intentions". I find others very willing to help and I feel invigorated.

It's pretty cool that the changes I see in myself start to radiate out and seem to affect my essential tribe. My wife has desire to change jobs to one she feels provides security and honors her degree. Last year I suggest she visit her Alma mater and enlist the help of a career counselor but she doesn't. Shortly after asking for and receiving help myself recently I offer the same suggestion again to her. She listens to the suggestion and goes. She tells me how the counselor plans to help her with her resume, LinkedIn, and how she will introduce her to others who may have connections in her field looking to hire graduates from her school. I can tell how happy she feels that she now has help to assist her along her own path. I notice her fire and determination receive a boost.

The last pretty cool thing I want to share involves the triangle between myself, my wife, and my mother. Their relationship did not start off great and has stayed not great. While having a conversation earlier this week my wife relates how she doesn't feel comfortable with my family and that the relationship lacks intimacy. This bothers me. The next day she visits my parents' house to pick out a souvenir from their recent trip. She leaves with nothing. Guess who hears about it. I find the whole incident weird, and I make a point to talk with both of them.

I try my best to just stick with feelings. For first time I speak up/stand up to my mother without feeling guilty. I try and relate my wife's feelings to her but stop when it doesn't feel right. Instead I share my own feelings on the triangle. I share my intention that I want a more intimate family connection. We talk about my mother's relationship with my grandmother / her mother in-law and how she feels when my grandmother makes it obvious that "she isn't her preference". I make suggestion for her to consider how my wife may feel now and how those feelings may feel similar to the way my mother felt and more than likely still feels today.

I receive her feelings, she shares that her sarcasm and harshness provides great defense mechanism and that some people "talk to you sweet, but stand on your neck" and and at least she has good actions even though her words may "cut". I immediately think of integrity Venn diagram in FAQ. I relate how actions and words that don't match may confuse someone. I find out later she calls my wife and invites her over. We talk when my wife first arrives as she looks through souvenirs...I call three hours later and she's STILL there, feels like twilight zone. She tells me her visit feels pleasant and how she feels relaxed while visiting. I accept my role in the triangle. I remember that one of the first things I told my wife while dating was that she probably would not get along with my mother and that if she was looking for that "close lovey dovey daughter in-law, mother in-law" relationship it wasn't gonna happen. Now I accept my role in forming an intimate circle and discarding the controlling triangle. It feels different now. I relate to both my wife and my mother that when I feel lost in communication I go back to sharing feelings and suggest they may consider the same strategy.

A year ago my life feels junky and in disarray, everything I just relate above seems impossible. I feel lucky to find TT 7-8 years ago and feel even luckier to find it again 10 months ago. I see now that when I change the people around me do change!!

Many thanks,

May 9, 2014

Unwinding a Confusing Deal

Ed,

Thank you for hosting another deep yet necessary session. I feel very grateful for your contribution to each and every member. Coming back from the meeting, I just couldn't come up with reason why you would do this to help people including myself. Thank you very much. I feel best thing I can do is to use what I learn from tribe session and utilize it to my best of my ability to dissolve my nonsense cycles in my life and let the winning cycle prosper in my life.

We start with drumming. I close my eyes and drum. There was certain oneness during drumming after a while. Then its fades very gradually and slowly.

We do a check in. Ed asks each members of their progress in their goals. This time, members seems to be making real progress or shows its commitment to accomplishing some goals.

Next Ed asks everybody if anybody has any issues. One member mentioned that his son had an encounter with mom again and this time it escalated and she called the police and he had to be put to special facility for a week. Member mentioned that it is his sons life and he has to find his way. He is encouraged that son is starting to notice about the codependency relationship with his mom and that it is in his best interest to move away from her for a while. Yet member mentioned it is hard to hear that his son is in trouble. I feel sad for the member and want to help out but feels that I cannot do anything to help other than to receive his feeling.

Next member mentioned that particular page from the book "Quant" is making him upset or rather hot. He is working on his fund's marketing plan and somehow this paragraph from Quant is bothering him. He wants to share this paragraph with the tribe later and get some feedback.

It is my turn and I tell the tribe that I made progress with the bully client in terms of communication and had a nice conversation few days before the meeting. I discussed some new marketing project with him and we were both excited but after I send him the business plan I don't get any response from him and I feel distrustful about him and feel that I made mistake sending him the plan.

I feel that I always feel he would somehow turn around and stab me in the back. Ed asks " you have a trust issue, what's his name?" I say [Name] Ed moves on to the next member. I was feeling good till I mentioned the word [Name]. My emotional state went from 80 to -80. I felt sick to my stomach for a while. I felt so miserable. I felt regret that I mentioned about my issue as it generated dense stress within me throughout the tribe session.

Ed moves on to next member and he seems to have no big hot issue at that moment. Next members stresses his issue at his work place. I am having hard time following him because I feel sick thinking about [Name]. I try to concentrate but I have hard time following him. He mentioned that some incident in the bathroom at the office made him embarrassed and he shut down. Ed digs in and offered to do a role play later on. He agrees.

Ed goes to the last member and he mentions that he feels overwhelm with all the to do list in his life. He does not where to begin and he likes to get better at it. Ed digs in on him, member do a good job to protect himself and cover up or try to change the conversation.

This exchange goes on for a while, Ed asks how his cold calling to build fraternity advisory board going? Hot seat says he made some calls 2 days ago and conversation went well. Ed asks to tell the detail of the conversation but hot seat is reluctant to do so. Little by little hot see shares the detail. Yet hot seat manages to escape.

Ed asks " what did you ask him to do?" Hot seat struggle with the answer, "What do you really want?" Ed asks over and over, Hot seat starts to say "I want to take off my mask and want everybody to know who I really am" Process of questioning and willingness testing goes on for a while and then Hot seat gets in some forms and tribe members encourages to get in the form. Hot see transforms his forms form one phase to another, all intense and I feel great about it and feels his willingness, then Ed freeze the form and asks" what comes up in your mind?"

Hot seat said nothing, just darkness, saw my mother standing a bit but that is it. I don't know nothing special. Ed confirms he is doing a good job to back down. Just stops and hide his true self. " It's working for you" Hot seat said Yes but I don't like it and I want to get rid of this. I don't know how and I need help. Yet hot seat develop a form arms and legs crossed very tightly. Ed and tribe member shares Hot Seat body language as typical unwilling keep it to himself form. We encourage him to open his arms up and legs all together and keep smiling and ask for " Help!" Hot Seat kept saying "Help, help, help, help, help" and this goes for a while. Hot seat feels he cannot go on anymore and he is done. Ed and members agree and we thank him for Hot seat's work. We do a check out on a process and we move on to the next Hot Seat. [Name] is phasing away from my mind slowly and I am able to focus on the meeting again.

Next HS (Hot Seat) Has a problem feeling embarrassed and shut down. We role play his entry point which occurred at work when he enters the bathroom when he sees some one taking a leak and has no door. Also the ventilation is not working in this bathroom and it smells. He feels embarrassed and shuts down in the bathroom while his coworker is finishing his business.

Ed digs in to the core issue and HS starts to talk about the incident in elementary school where this female classmates always follows him. He does not know how to react to her. He does not like her and tell her to go away. Later teacher scolds HS in front of the class. HS feels embarrassed and he also feel the teacher is treating him unfair but the teacher keeps going. Role play does extremely well being the teacher.

I could not see the difference and almost felt as though there was no role play. Teacher digs in on the HS, over and over, scolding him for treating the female class mates. Tells HS to go to another school. HS shuts down and looks down and do nothing. Ed asks members what do you notice that HS is not doing? Member shares that he is not sharing the feeling. Ed asks to role play again. The time HS tries to share his feeling but rather asks the teacher how she feels. Teacher mentions that she is angry and upset. HS eventually shares his feeling and tells her he is afraid and confused and or sad. Teacher insists on yelling and sharing her anger with the HS. Somehow session evolve in to realization that HS wants to be number one on anything to avoid being embarrassed.

He always want to work hard to be number one in the company. But lately he feels that family dedication is interfering with this cycle and don't know what to do and feels bit confused about it. Ed mention that HS can have agreements with the company to do the most important things and spend more time with the family. Ed also starts to mentioned that it is hard to understand him and he is doing that on purpose. Speaking fast and blurry. HS acknowledge that and also realize the importance of speaking slowly and clearly especially he works for a American Company where majority of the worker is American. He commits to make priority and communication skills. The session goes deeper and somehow the tribe enters in to a trance state and HS keeps standing up. Ed quietly asks how HS feels and HS shares his feeling. Trance state continues for a while and eventually HS feels uncomfortable and he is done and he wants to sit down. Ed thanks him for sharing and session is complete. We do a check out and takes a dinner break.

We begin the 2nd half of the session. Ed points to member who wish to share the paragraph from the book "Quants" I feel as though Ed is not going to address my trust issue with [Name] any more as time is running out and I am OK with it. Sort of feels glad about it. I justified that I learned from the first HS session that may be I need to ask for what I want from [Name].

Anyway, we move on to the Quant session. HS has problem with the ignorant comment made by the fund manager who lost Billions of Dollars of client money" Ed digs in why is it bothering him. There is moral issue about this. HS is working on his marketing plan and he feels that it is not acceptable to make comments like this in a book. He also feels that he is being too hard on himself by being truthful about the presentation and that he would have hard time marketing it.

He know Power brokers and bankers sex up the presentation and have an easy sell. Raise lots of money first. Tell people investors what they want to hear. Tribe enters into a discussion about Sexing up the presentation for quick bucks vs slow and steady tell the truth marketing plan. The discussion gets heated up a bit. Golden hand cuffs and big fast money vs freedom integrity with slow and steady. Ed feels slow and steady is the way to go. I agree and everybody agree including the Hot Seat. We do a check out. I feel this session was very informative and valuable in which where so much seduction is always out there and it's easy to get caught in the mud if you are not clear about this. I feel good. I thank the hot seat.

We take 5 minutes break and back to the meeting. Ed asks me whether I want to work on my issue with [Name]" The words pops back in my thought again. I feel sick instantly. I tell the tribe the first HS session gave me a insight and may be that would be good enough. Ed digs in what is the problems with [Name]? (this scares me as though Ed knows the whole story already) I have problem pinpointing the issue. Ed asks what do you really want… " I said I want to work in Harmony with [Name].

Ed keeps asking me "what do you really want" I said " I want to dissolve the partnership" I have multiple business with [Name] and everything is a mess and loss. I explain to Tribe that When explaining deals to [Name], I explain the risk very clearly and accurately. He understands and aggressively and forcefully comes up with the money.

I don't want to take his money but he always comes on top. I feel bad about the deal. Then when things go south he tells me as the president of the company you need to take responsibility of the loss. I am confused. He tells me to get life insurance put one of the lender as beneficiary. I have lengthy conversation about this with [Name] before the tribe session and he almost sold me in to it. I know what [Name] wants to do is fight with me. I left that path long time ago and just don't have it in me. [Name] does an excellent job taking advantage of my weakens and optimize on it. He keeps me guessing weather he is my friend or he can kill me from behind.

Ed mentioned that the Tribe doesn't understand the deal with me and [Name]. We role play phone call with [Name] with one of the Tribe member. He is a good businessman. He know this type of world very well. I call him and try to tell him what I really want which is " dissolve the partnership" on the contrary, I go around the topic and get messed up by role-play [Name]. "What's in it for me?" is [his] favorite line. This stick to my head like mud. "What's in it for me"… I just don't understand this psychology and don't want to. I am just not in to this world of territorial BS. I just wish the whole thing would go away.

There is a lender involved in this, he is an investor in [State] and long story short, this guy was a Mr. Nice guy with his own non-profit organization " Once I make decision to do business I really work together and support each other, even when you lose money, I understand. " to " you mother Fu__Ker" " I am going to make you liable Mother F_CKER" That was few months ago. Somehow I got them to extend the loan with lower interest. Either way as you can tell I am all over the place with this and it is a helpless situation.

Ed goes" you went way over your head with this " "You don't have the expertise to deal and negotiate with these people" Role play of [Name] tells me that they are milking me big time and basically the bottom line is " you need to get a lawyer and let them handle this and make sure to dissolve the partnership and cut ties with [Name]"

This went on for a while. I ask Ed " is it that bad?" YES was the answer and everybody else in the Tribe looks at me the same way. They say Truth hurts. I remember when I joined the Tribe, I said to myself I better not talk about what's happening with my other business. Let's just stick with system and money management.

The truth is situation with [Name] and this default debt business which is a big scam totally screwed me the last three years. This guy who got me into this debt business is by far insane and I don't belong in this type of circle but they fulled me by acting like they are like me. I've done everything I could to get out of it but could not.

I solved other investors that were involved in this deal and they were cooperative but this [Name] and this investor from [State] and this debt business man is a cancer and they are eating me alive every day. I think together with everything else all messed up my trading and made things even worse. I underestimated the truth " Truth Hurts" Totally devastated by the reality of the situation. But I feel grateful for Ed and tribe for come to realization of the trouble I am in.

As I left Ed's house, I was at the low point. Just stunned. Couldn't think of much anymore. I got sued before an I know how ugly the process is. I feel terrible I have to hire lawyer again.

Then I started to slowly think like this. This may be it for me. If I can dissolve this situation with [Name] and this investor from [State], then it's all over and I am free to go. May be this is the price I have to pay for freedom. They say watch out for silent killer. [Name] is definitely one of them. I been in far more worse trouble situation before. Far more worse situation than this [Name] thing. But [Name] knows my weakness and feeds on them like a blood sucking leach religiously. He has a special talent for it.

I just feel sad about him and terrible that I made him behave this way to bring the worst out of him. But that is just my thought talking. [Name]'s role play said, these guys don't care and don't matter they just watching out for their best interest and they don't care about you. This is business, they are milking you and continuo to milk you as long as they can unless you get help"

He helps me tune in to reality of the situation again rather distancing away from my thought playing Mr. Nice Guy. It's my own mess. I am going to have to clean up the mess. I thought about the FAQ posted on April 29th 2014, "Cancer in Complete remission" I think about what was going in her mind when she had an actual cancer. I feel encouraged from her FAQ. Makes my problem a joke. I am determined to dissolve this issue.

Thank you very much for your support.

Cheers,

May 9, 2014

Magic

Ed,

http://www.flixxy.com/darcy-oakes-jaw-dropping-dove-illusions-britains-got-talent-2014.htm?utm_source=nl

May 8, 2014

Risking Vulnerability

Dear Ed:

Over a month ago I stop reading FAQ. Today I play catchup and read FAQ. What a wake up call.

This is in reference to FAQ May 1, 2014 "Ted Talk On Connection." I was in total shock at Brene Brown's discussion of vulnerability.

Just two days ago, I discuss feelings of vulnerability with someone I love very much. Thank goodness he held me tight because after saying, "I felt vulnerable," I immediately wanted to run. For a few moments I let myself feel my emotions and cry. I felt more connected to him than ever before.

Hmmm, I'm still processing this. Or perhaps I should experience my feelings more often.

Thank you,

May 8, 2014

Nun Choir

Ed,

Is it not literally true that "melody has power
a whole world to transform?"

As a friend of mine says: "Forever, music will remain
the universal language of men, angels, and spirits."

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=FcLF5wopyjo

May 8, 2014

Baby Elephant -- Ton o' Fun

Ed,

Check this out.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/bu_E2f0mQmI?rel=0

May 8, 2014

Workshop Follow Up

Ed,

Thank you for your support with my workshop follow up. Thanks to those who provide comments which I invariably find insightful and helpful.

"Work hard on my trading systems for three hours a day: See what feelings come up. Report bi-monthly to my support team and FAQ." This starts from a comment at the workshop "Are you actually serious about trading?"

* I average just over 3 hours per day on my trading systems for the last month just over 3 hours per day since the workshop. I am debugging the final issues, making sure all amounts are correct etc. No major issues arise with the software development.

* In recent hot seats I resolve major long standing issues (see "Tiger" report to FAQ Mar 8, 2014) and subsequently Confrontation Issue (FAQ Apr 20, 2014 "Tribe Report"). I experience resolving these issues as enormously liberating and energizing. Both "cures" prove to be enduring.

* My brother suggests I read the book "Following Through," summary here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IOsYEGjBkcGbZL
_T6zWtweYR8bYB_JfscPZTa44odaA/edit?usp=sharing

* A fellow tribe member lends me "Ten Minute Toughness," summary here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uA-tl9imlVbKE
euTI0yr17PxIiF_y5TkKtskj18TMiw/edit?usp=sharing

Using the techniques from these books I now have my productive time up to 85% of the day, my goal - up from ~45% at the time of the workshop. I like these books and I highly recommend them but I don't think I would be able to use them effectively without the hot seats above.

* I continue progress on strength and fitness. I discover the "Shangri-la diet" which, added to everything else I do, greatly improves my rate of weight loss and my consistency in sticking to my eating plan. My health indicators remain good.

Overall my rate of progress seems to snowball. Good things bring more good things. I wake up brimming with enthusiasm and I feel like I just hit lift-off speed.

TMT advises to publicise your goals and offer no excuses for failure so here are my current mid level goals i.e. "Product goals" in "Ten Minute Toughness" terms. These goals support my high level goals (equivalent to FAQ snapshot) and my process goals (what I will specifically do each day) support them.

Advanced level 1 weight lifting by end 2014 (e.g. equivalent of 1 repetition dead lift of 180kg) currently at 90% of this.
Advanced level 2 weight lifting by end 2015 (e.g. equivalent of 5 repetition dead lift of 180kg) currently at 80% of this.
Aerobics: 200 meter climb with 30 kg pack by end of the year, currently doing 80 meter climb.
Weight <=70 kg by 30 June 2014. Currently 71.5kg down from 79kg.
Weight <=65 kg or body fat <=15% by end 2014.
Physics complete 2nd year equivalent by end 3q 2014. Lagrangians/Hamiltonians by end 4q 2014. Math for 3rd year by end 2q 2015. 3rd Year end 2016, 4th year end 2018. String theory / loop quantum gravity basic understanding by end 2019.
Artificial Intelligence: keep up to date and use AI techniques in trading. Currently using bias/variance trade off techniques in ETF trading, extend to share trading. Study Bishop "Machine Learning" and Koller "Probabilistic Graphical Models" by end 2014.
Futures code working and fully debugged and sufficiently performance optimized by end 2Q 2914, strategies optimized and paper trading mid 3Q 2014, real trading end 3Q 2014. Share trading end 2014.
Culture: Spend 20 minutes a day reading my cultural agenda currently Herodotus just finished Aeschylus.
Community: Grow Tribe in power and fidelity and usefulness, local Lesswrong group also, and continue to participate in Samba troupe and continue to contribute to Quantified Self.
Family: Wife responds to Q: "Are you glad you married me?" with enthusiasm by EOY 2014.
Implementing business ideas: Continue to progress these ideas, I have not yet identified specific dates. I plan to monitor my progress on my other objectives to determine how much time I can devote to this.

Next report 10th *July* 2014.

May 7, 2014

Anti-Fragile Systems

Ed,

I have spent the past couple of days at a seminar in Cambridge just down the street from MIT.

The seminar was a combination of complex systems and black swan non-linearity. Nassim Taleb used me as a prop to describe to the class why trend following has positive convexity and how this is a way to benefit from uncertainty.

The use of the systems approach was abundant!

I wonder if you are available next week sometime to discuss research opportunity and to receive a gift I have for you?

Cheers,

May 7, 2014

A Thought from Ben

Ed,

"Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn."

― Benjamin Franklin

May 6, 2014

Breathwork Report - Settling Old Debts

Hi Ed,

I participate in the Sep 27-29, 2013 Breathwork. I want to acknowledge my intention to send my 6-month update more than a month late. During Breathwork, I work on my issue about settling and paying an old debt. I also approach and play with a huge spider and a ghost monster. During my process, I relate the huge spider to my mother.

Right after the Breathwork, I settle and pay the old debt. I also start paying money I owe to my mother. So far, I pay her 50% of the debt. I feel that I need to pay her the remainder of the debt to finally close a cycle. I plan to report to FAQ when I get to the "zero debt" point. I also want to report that since the Breathwork, I do not assume new debts.

I see a change in my relationship with my mother. We have more clear boundaries. I like the type of relationship we have now.

Lately, I notice a sense of freedom in some aspects of my life. Sometimes, I see myself doing things and making decisions without worrying what other people might think about me. Other times, I feel like if I wear a body armor and I have to behave in a predetermined way. Overall, I feel that step by step I become more true to myself.

Thanks

May 6, 2014

Tribe Report - Rocks Process

Dear Chief,

Here is the Tribe Report from a member in my local tribe, for our April 29 meeting. Ever since your visit last year, the tribe quality starts to take off and we are making steady progress on growing into a fully functional tribe. I thank you again for the help! And I feel really grateful that the Tribe members start to be willing to write up Tribe report and updates. It's really encouraging to me. It's a sign of rising commitment and I am seeing that my entire local tribe, not only myself, start to share our TTP experience on FAQ.

Here is the client member's report:

This week's Tribe meeting was one the most beneficial meeting for me so far, after a series of meeting showing hesitation and shyness, I was able to get on the hot seat and participate in a role play. After a series of meetings and participation in the process, this time I was able to just be myself and hesitation that I used to.

At the very beginning of the meeting I was feeling nervous and anxious to get on the hot seat. While participating in another members hot seat I could feel the urge to take my issue to hot seat. When the tribe leader asked if anyone had an issue to take it to the hot seat, I told him yes I have an issue.

My issue was with me feeling anger and resentment towards my house mate, who has been violating my privacy and asking me to do things for him that I don't like especially when I am getting ready to go to work in the morning and he asks me to look at things on his computer.

Although I am annoyed by his behavior I am unable to tell him to not do this, instead I get upset and stop talking to him, not answering his questions. This is the pattern of behavior I follow in other occasions of shutting down and during the role play one of the members perform as my house mate and asks me this things that make me annoyed.

I start rubbing my face, heartbeat raising. At this point I am holding my face in the palm of my hands facing down and I hear a voice telling me to stop, freeze and I hold my face looking at the floor, then the same voice asks me, "How do you feel? where are you right now?". Suddenly I am in my room reading my book, doing my homework and I feel the shadow of my father standing behind me, checking on me, entering the room unannounced.

This happened when I was in college studying for exams. My father would come to my room to check on me to see if i was studying and would stand behind me at times. It made me uncomfortable but I would not say anything to him out of respect or fear. As we role play one of the Tribe member acts as my father he stands behind me as I am reading my book. I feel the same warmth on my back as I use to. After the process manager asks us to ask me to talk to my father and tell him how I feel about his action.

As I am talking to the member (who acts as my father) I am unable to look into his eyes. I proceed by telling my father that his act of monitoring me your lack of trust in me. I also tell him that it makes me wonder why you do not have confidence in me while you do not do the same think to my older brother.

My father asks so how does that make me feel, I say it makes me feel belittled, disappointed and angry that you do not trust me. He replies that he is doing this only because he loves me and is making sure that I succeed, I ask him how does he feel, he tells me that he feels. I further ask him why he treats me different then my older brother, he makes me look incompetent in front of the rest of the family and I feel unworthy, unloved and weak. I also ask him how does he feel, he tells me that he is only trying to help me out of his love for me.

I recall that not telling my father the way I feel, is a pattern to shutting down, when process manager asks me who in my family does the same of shutting down. I recall my mother. When my mother and father argued (sometime in my presence) she would stop and walk away.

We recognize that she is the rock donor. One member plays the role of my mother and hands me a rock, telling me to keep this rock it will protect me in this situation. I have seen this pattern repeated where I will shutdown, stop participating, keep quite and walk away.

Now I after realizing how this pattern has emerged in me, I want to change it. I try to return the rock to the donor (my mother) telling her that this rock has worked for you and thank her. At this point PM hands me a different rock to replace it with the first one. Accepting the rock I feel relaxed and am able to share my feelings more freely.

After the checkout I tell my fellow members that I realize that It takes work and it takes effort change on ones behalf. I appreciate the effort from the fellow tribe members and the little push from our process manager for me taking the hot seat and showing my willingness.

Thanks,

May 6, 2014

Pre-Marital Counseling

Dear Ed,

I see myself moving toward work in the area of pre-marital counseling. I want to help couples approach their decision to marry with the same seriousness they might feel when they decide to invest a large amount of money.

With that in mind, I come across the following set of suggestions for marriage vows that are research-based and exemplify behaviors and attitudes that actually correlate with successful marriages:

"I promise to support and protect your freedom. Although our lives are intertwined, your choices are still yours alone."

"I promise to respect, admire, and appreciate you for who you are, as well as for the person you wish to become."

"I promise to show you, every day, that I know exactly how lucky I am to have you in my life."

"I promise to keep our lives exciting, adventurous, and full of passion."

I notice considerable overlap with some of the principles of TTP and intimacy-centric relating. I feel excited and happy to know that there are specific ways a person can participate in creating a successful marriage, and that these ways can be clearly described and communicated.

Attribution for the quotations above: Psychology Today, June 2014, "Love, Factually" by Samantha Joel.

Best wishes,

May 6, 2014

TSP Success

Ed --

I'm pleased to report that I've replicated both Trading Systems Projects to the penny.

I completed the Dual MA Crossover System a few weeks ago and I complete the Simple Support/Resistance System today.

I also replicate the optimization for the Simple Support/Resistance System and I agree with your results: The optimal solution is at 120/30. Trading lines shorter than 15 days don't work well. Trend lines shorter than 100 days don't work well. Trading lines at 15, 30, & 40 days work best. Trend lines at 120 & 140 days work best.

As I work on the Support/Resistance System over the last several days I repeatedly cycle through {feeling frustrated ["I can't do it!"], medicating that feeling with task avoidance, recognizing my medicative behavior, accepting the frustrated feeling, doggedly getting back to work, and taking another step forward [matching entry/exit dates, matching entry/exit fills, matching position sizes] }.

I learn more about the intricacies of my back testing software.

This is good progress for me.

I thank you and the Austin Tribe for your support.

May 6, 2014

Disconnect / Reconnect

Dear Ed,

on April 22, 2014 "Breathwork Report - Disappointment" you write

"The Tribe does not provide willingness; Tribe members have to bring their own. People who choose to disconnect from this field of willingness also disconnect from the Tribe".

For months I make an ugly experience. I disconnect from Tribe.

Since January I observe a development. My sleep, my energy, my creativity, my ability to understand and to think slowly return.

Maybe it was, as you mention, a spiritual crisis. My resistance to experience it makes things much worse. Now I know how it feels to be in Hell or to die, when one does not accept it.

You don´t let me alone, and you also do not engage in my drama. I thank you for both.

I experience joy when I think about contributing to Tribe again. I wish to regain the strength to take the hot seat and the empathy to manage processes again.

Best regards,

May 5, 2014

Missing a Tribe Meeting

Ed,

My e-mail is to remind you I will not be attending this week's tribe meeting.

I notice I feel guilt this morning as I awake thinking about this.

I feel guilt even though my absence is pre-arranged.

I notice I struggle and ignore the feeling most of the morning.

Then, I acknowledge my feeling of guilt and internally re-commit to attend all the remaining tribe meetings.

I notice I suddenly feel better and feel like attending to my primary tasks at hand.

This may be the first time I have 'enjoyed' the feeling of guilt.

Regards.

May 5, 2014

Confronting Mortality

Dear Ed,

We are not in as much contact as I imagined we would be or wished we might.

Still, I think this part of my life's journey might interest you. In
April I thought I was getting over some sort of low grade flu. I went
to a scheduled physical exam (I have put off for years). The doctor
took my pulse, (it was 195), did an EKG (it was all over the place).
I was apparently, and have been for awhile, in Tachycardia Atrial
Fibrillation. Later that Wednesday evening (April 23) I was admitted
to [City] Hospital for Atrial Fibrillation (A-Fib). I have had
EKGs, an Echo Cardiogram, a Stress Test, an Angiogram, many, many
blood tests and gallons of blood thinner. I was discharged 6 days
later.

I have been out of hospital almost a week, but the news is not really
good. My heart is still arrhythmic and the cardiologists cannot do
anything about it yet because of a potential clot (stroke). I need to
be on blood thinners and heart rhythm slowers for about a month to
dissolve it. Then they will try to reset my heart rhythm with a
cardioconversion (electro-shock). In the meantime I am on 5 heart
medications and wear an ECG / Defibrillator vest 24 hours a day.
(Reminding me every waking moment that I could die at any moment.)

After they do the cardioconversion the question is, how well my heart
takes to the right rhythm. and if it does, then how much the heart
tissue strengthens on its own. Each step is its own thing in this
stuff.

I thought I had a strong heart, no family history of heart disease,
etc., so all of this is quite a shock.

So, I recommend you get a check up.

I hope I will have better news in the coming weeks.

PS - I recently read this and thought you might find it interesting:
http://nautil.us/issue/12/feedback/the-vulgar-mechanic-and-his-magical-oven

May 5, 2014

Vulnerability

Ed,

A previous post makes reference to vulnerability. This is very important as without is going forward with blinders and clouding experience with self-serving defensive mechanisms. Vulnerability is the key to freedom. And quite elusive.

Freedom takes a lot of work even though we start off well equipped and experience seems to strip it away. Takes work to get back where we started.

May 3, 2014

Committing to Keep Agreements (see previous)

Hello Mr. Ed,

I did a bit of writing after our phone call, and I want to share my update with you. Thank you for receiving my call today.

I want to apologize for not keeping my past agreements with you. I am sorry for failing to keep my agreement with you and I am sorry for failing to make you aware of my inability to keep those agreement, once I knew that I would be unable to do so. It wont happen again.

- - - - -

I am showing up. I am going to keep my agreements with people and myself. When Ed, said to me that my current life issues may stem from me not showing up and failing to keeping the agreements that I make (no matter how small or insignificant), I was surprised to that I did not cower or feel hurt. I thought that I was bad at accepting honest feed back in the areas that I am weak in. I tend to feel criticized and I tend to feel hurt when my weakness are highlighted. However, when Ed pinpointed my pattern of not showing up, I felt like I was in a theater house.

The theater and myself are shrouded in darkness, I am the sole audience member, the only person at the theater. I am seated in the middle of the theater on stacked platform seating, overlooking an exposed small/medium sized lite stage. There is nothing on the stage, the only thing there is to see is the hardwood floor, the curtains drawn back on both sides of the stage, and the darkness at the depth of the stage. The front of the stage is the only area that is lite. It is well lite. That's where I heard Ed's comment come from; from the front of the well lite stage. I am perched on my sit, looking straight at the front of the stage, and knew that the monologue that had been delivered was for me: "You do not show up. You do not keep your agreements." No hard feelings from voice that had delivered the monologue and no hard feelings on my part from having heard what had been directed to me; Truth.

After ending my conversation with Ed, a flood of moments in which I did not show up or keep my agreements with others and myself flashed in my head. The memories kept flashing in my mind, until I reached a memory that I believe is the root of this life long habit, the day I failed to show up at my grandmother's house.

I had been told my grandmother was going to the capital for a medical check up, which was a rare happening, since people of my village depended on herbal medicine and a herbal/spiritual healer whenever physical ailments manifested. Due to my grandmother having to go to the city, I was to spend 2 weeks at my aunts house who lived in another city, in her youth my aunt moved away from village life. Two weeks came, and instead of returning to my grandmother's house, I was without warning sent to the USA, to reunite with a mother whose existence I had been unaware of and who had shipped me off to Honduras as an infant. That's the first time I remember not showing up to where I was supposed to be. That event changed my life, it is a pivotal moment in my history. I was not aware that it also played such a huge role in my habit of not showing up and keeping the agreements that I make with others and with myself. I also realized that it doesn't matter what the root cause of the problem is, I still have to take responsibility for my actions. A big smile creeps up on my face and I realize that I am happy. I am happy because I am willing to take responsibility for my actions, no excuses. I am happy because I am learning to better myself, and I want to continue to embrace the process of self improvement.

After my conversation with Ed, I feel absolutely energized. I have been experiencing an energy blockage for the past few months and for the first time since this energy blocked appeared I am feeling a free flow of energy, the pressure that imprisoned the circumference of my head, has dissipated . My legs are shaking, ready to go. I message a girlfriend of mine, who is getting married this summer. I had told her that I may be able to attend her wedding, although in the back of my mind I knew that I would most likely not be able to make it. I told her that I would try since I did not want to disappointment her, we have been friends since our mid teens and had grown close due to having foster parents. We have not seen each other in about 4 years. During our conversation today, I told her that I could not afford to travel to her wedding. She said she was a bit disappointment but that she understood and that she loved me a lot. I begin to cry. I have always been afraid of disappointing people and myself yet subconsciously that's what I have been doing with my actions of not showing up, keeping my agreements, or failing to letting people know that I could not keep my commitment.

I cry because I feel relieved. Relieved at my honesty and not receiving a negative reaction for that honesty. After my conversation with my friend, I received two phone calls from people I have been avoiding. One was about a storage unit that I no longer needed, and for some reason had been scared to tell the company know that I no longer needed it. It felt good to say, thank you for calling, I no longer need the storage unit, have a good day. The conversation ended well. There was not a negative reaction to my honesty, the opposite occurred, I was a bit more freer. I felt relieved.

I will show up. I will keep my agreements to myself and others! If I can't keep an agreement, I will not be afraid to let the people know that I can't not keep the agreement. I feel happy and energized. The energy blockage is gone, even hours after my phone call with Ed.

May 3, 2014

Newton, NJ Tribe Forming

Hi Ed,

enclosed please see the Newton NJ TTID. Thought I get early start to fit in to the new fund structure.

Thanks you for your attention.

May 3, 2014

Name that Tune

Ed,

In an April 20 Breathwork report, there is a small segment of banjo music.. not sure if it was used as an alarm clock; but I really like that tune and your rendition of it..what is it's name?

May 2, 2014

What to Do in NYC

Hello Mr. Ed,

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and as I was writing down my thoughts, it came to me that I should contact you.

As of lately I have been wondering: How is one supposed to live in this world, in this reality without money? How am I supposed to live in this world, in this reality without money? Being in New York City has made me more introverted than I usually am. I have been here for exactly a year. Living like a rolling stone and not by conscious intention. For a year now, I have been looking for work, work that I am perfectly qualified to do and at times more than qualified for. Many a times, I have gotten extremely close to getting hired but something out of my control always seems to happen to make the opportunity disappear.

I came to NYC, a year ago in despair. Having no home, or family and with about 10k to my name, I made my way to NYC because it was the only place that I had a friend who would opened her doors to me. She did not give me shelter out of the goodness of her heart but because she needed me. I knew this friend had a lust for money, and I told her that I would pay her in return for letting me stay with her. Till this day she has no idea what really brought me to NYC, and the culmination of unfortunate circumstances brought me to her door.

I have spent nearly all my savings. My time in New York City has brought into mind the very question that drove me to e-mail you today: How can one live in this world, in this reality without money? I have always known that there is so much more to life than money. But people all around me including myself, have gotten sucked into this reality in which money is the ultimate goal. All around me I see zombies. Bodies without true purpose. Just zombies who work a 9-5 in order to be able to live in this reality. But, I have seem a different world. I spent my childhood in a different world, in a world where money was trivial if not, none existent. A world where people went into the forest to get wood in order to build their homes by hand, toiled the land for their food, ventured daily into the sea for fish, a world in which being in harmony in nature was key to peace, happiness and survival.

Here in NYC, I see people do despicable things for money. I see girls and women who find it normal to trade their bodies for money. I see drug dealers peddle drugs to whoever has the funds to pay for their merchandises. I see people who are happy and content to live off the welfare system. I also see people who seem to have no other choice but to take assistance from the government welfare program. Everyday, people die or are killed due to financial problems. All around me people are constantly seeking some drug (alcohol, food, pot, TV, consumption etc) to make living in this world bearable. I find that when I am not troubled about financial problems, I love the world. I naturally find a lot of beauty in the world.

I have been told that I shouldn't have financial problems since I had foster parents who are well off. Not having family, I have always been guided solely by my feelings by my instincts and it has never failed me. My gut/instincts have kept me alive for this long. My name is [Name] and I don't know why my biological mother named me that but it means Free. That's all I've ever wanted is to be Free and to be able to make my own way in the world. After years of entertaining my foster parents, their friends and being the pet charity case, I could no longer shake off the feeling of needing to free myself. If I were a person guided by logic instead of instinct, I would not have financial worries, or worry about where to go next for shelter, since I would have never left my foster parents. One day, without notice I failed to return to my foster parents home. At that time, I thought I had gained my freedom and I had found a lifelong love. After years, of attempting to mold myself into the ideal girlfriend for my boyfriend, in order to maintain a happy and stable relationship, the love came to an horrible end even though I should have cut my losses years before the relationship ended. I am still free but what does being free mean when I can't manage to survive without income. Its not that I am unwilling to work, I am eager to stop being a rolling stone, and find some foundation in my life but for some reason, the universe seems to not have the same plans as my conscious mind does.

For a few years now I have been wanting to get to Austin to meet you and learn from you. Everyday, I observe/study the commodities market. I have been strongly drawn to the markets because I still believe that trading is a viable way for personal individuation/freedom. I have tried twice now to get to Austin to meet you, and twice I have failed due to not having sufficient funds. I hope to one day get to Austin, to learn from you, to work with you, to get help from you to see this reality for what it is, to unplug and live in a reality of my own making.

I hope you are well. Thank you for reading/listening to my thoughts. I don't have much to offer but one thing I am good at is listening. If you ever need to talk to a good listener, please reach out to me. I would love to repay you for the time you have spent listening to me.

After that this long e-mail, my thoughts boil down to, wanting to be / wanting to find a way to be self-sufficient and free.

May 2, 2014

Gaming the US Welfare System

Ed,

This seems to support your Govopoly Thesis:

http://www.tpnn.com/2014/05/01/blatant-32-year-old-woman-on-why-she-abuses-welfare-doesnt-work-and-happily-takes-your-money/

May 1, 2014

Wants Help With Back Testing

Ed,


i had read zhe book trede-following.
you are very great .
i am a broker of securities in china,and i have a strategy,but i can't find some people to test it .
maybe you will help me .

i want to know is it effective in hongkong in usa,in china .
and how much it can earn in a decade.

May 1, 2014

Roadside Assistance

Ed,

Check this out.

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/KBxSntGGm8U?rel=0

May 1, 2014

North Richland Hills, TX Tribe Forming

Hi Ed,

Attached is an NRH Tribe update. We are starting a new series on May 23rd, 2015.

Best,

May 1, 2014

Ted Talk On Connection

Dear Ed,

I certainly resonate with the idea of "never good enough" expressed [below] and I find a video that I think sheds light on this concept in terms that are very compatible with TTP.

The link is:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

The video is a TED talk by Brene Brown who has written about the subjects of fear and risk as related to personal growth. She studies people with low self-esteem to see how they differ from people with good self-esteem and describes the difference as being the willingness to embrace and experience vulnerability.

I feel warmth in my heart and an openness in my spirit as I watch her speak; I feel she displays her willingness to be vulnerable right there in front of all of us.

Sincerely,

May 1, 2013

Dang, It Works

Dear Ed,

I notice that what I learn from TTP helps me now as I cope with many so-called negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, helplessness and vulnerability.

Today I feel more pain in my hip (broken almost two months ago) than I have felt for the last few days. Until today, I usually cope by reminding myself that each day my hip is getting better. Today, that strategy does not work. I do not feel better, I feel worse.

Can I accept the pain and the sadness that go along with it? I struggle to find a positive intention for the pain. Perhaps that it is a message from my body that it still needs my love and support, and that it cannot feel better every day

Aha! Literally, this moment as I write this, I recall my thoughts over the past few days about an issue I want to take to Tribe at my next opportunity: I measure myself by the expectation that I must be not just above average but exceptional.

If I want to do something, it must be outstanding and, above all, it must benefit someone else, not just myself. It must be admirable, make me stand out in some special way.

My oncologist told me this week that I had handled the cancer treatment "exceptionally well". Score one for me! My painful hip and my swollen leg (which has not been swollen the past few days) are telling me that I am not handling my recovery "exceptionally well". I definitely lose points for that.

Wow. Thank you to my hip and to TTP for helping me to accept that I have value even when I am not so good at something, perhaps even when I absolutely suck at something. I'm still okay, warts and all.

Before I decide to write to FAQ, I call a friend to see if I can feel better, but he's not available so I suddenly think to "talk" to FAQ. I feel excited and really happy to experience what happens to me right now as I write.

Dang, this TTP stuff really works!

Best wishes,

May 1, 2014

TTP in the Workplace

Hi Chief,

Couple minutes ago I go to my co-workers office. He sees a problem on the software we design together. It seems to be the problem on my side. I sit down and work with him and we pin down that he is sending command to the wrong CPU. He says he is wrong. I ask how he feels, he tell me "Not good!" and he laughs. I feel a little nervous finding other people is wrong. And I say " Thank you". I feel I need to see something "Please tell me more the not good feeling" but somehow I fear to say that. I tell him I feel scared. We laugh and I leave.

It's an art and I never be good enough.

Thanks,

May 1, 2014

Political Campaign

Ed,

This (attached) is about as negative as I've gotten.

The hearts on the signs were affixed later after the signs had been up a couple of weeks - freshening them up....

Here's a letter which was published in the [Newspaper] yesterday:

As you so quickly ascertained, the realtor/developer issue is the hinge of this campaign, and one that seems to resonate with people. My opponent responds by trying to paint me as a developer because I served on the Board of Directors of a family company which farms sugar land in [City] and has developed some of those lands into residential and commercial properties.

My describing my opponent as a "realtor and a developer" has infuriated him, but it is funny because on his public-facing resumes at the realtor agency site and his LinkedIn profile he lists his development experience.

But he asserted to me in an e-mail that: "I am not a developer. I have never developed...". Strange cognitive dissonance going on, and now he's not only misrepresenting himself, but he has taken to misrepresenting me, and calling me a liar for describing him as a developer. Through the looking glass...

Early voting is going on right now until Tuesday, and then Election Day is May 10th. Now to get those who want to vote for me out to do it!

What now, Chief?

May 1, 2014

Breathwork Update - ASCII and RECEIVII

Hi Chief,

In the Breathwork last Sept. 27-29, I work on my feeling of apprehension, feeling people watching me, sometimes when I ask for what I want. I am a month late for the 6 month report and I am also feeling the same way, embarrassment and apprehension. When I write this I notice several incidences where I feel apprehension since the Breathwork :

Once when we are waiting outside of the restaurant, my daughter says she is thirsty. I think of asking the restaurant waitress for water before we are seated. I notice the apprehensive feeling with other people watching me asking for what I don't usually deserve. Instead of avoiding this feeling and ask my daughter to wait, I go into the restaurant and ask for a cup of water. The waitress hesitates a little and still gives me a glass. I take it out of the restaurant and my friend watches this and seems surprised.

I start a investing fund among friends to bring my trading to another level. I ask around friends and most reject my offer and one accept it immediately. I also notice the same feeling of apprehension and I press on. My fund is up 18% YTD and I feel glad I make the right decision to start manage other people's money.

Once my son and I see a buy one get one free pack soda deal in Vons. When we get back home, I find that they didn't give me the free pack. So we go back and ask for the free pack. The line is long behind me and it takes quite a while for them to find out our last purchase and verify the receipts, I feel that people are waiting and watching us. And I am blocking others for just a $2.99 free gift. I like that feeling and start to feel fun of insisting what I deserve.

I don't remember a incidence where I withdraw from asking what I want in response to the feeling of apprehension.

Thanks,

May 1, 2014

Refrigerator Management

Dear Ed:

One of the 4 freezers is sold a second one is going to the dump. I was able to do this without my wife knowing. I don't know if she knows or not. However, I had to throw away some frozen fruit and I planned on using it for compost. We were taking a walk around the garden and she noticed some white bags and asked me what they were.

When I explained she got mad and upset. This went on for several hours - after which time things went back to normal.

This morning we took another walk and everything went just fine.

I am learning boundary establishment.

May 1, 2014

Wants an Endorsement

Hi Ed.

Your chapters in the Wizards books were a turning point in my career a few years back, I thank you for that. Personally, I feel the Wizard book should stand at the top of a list of best investing / trading books.

With that said, I have written a book myself that I am releasing in the coming weeks and quote you throughout the book. I also recommend the Wizard series (one of 8 books I recommend) in a “recommended reading” section.

I am in the process of collecting editorial reviews / quotes for the back cover, and wanted to see if you would be interested in providing a quote. Obviously if you read it and find it is garbage, or even if you enjoy it, but simply you would prefer to not provide a quote ~ totally fine, I will have no expectation.

I have attached a description of the book.

I can e-mail the book via PDF (8x11) or MOBI file (works in the Kindle app on an ipad or kindle device), let me know what works for you.

Kind regards,

May 1, 2014

TTP and Agile Technology

Greetings Ed,

It is nice to hear from you today. I am interested in helping you with the culture-design aspects of the new TT project.

I think you might find these links very interesting. Let's start with these links, and develop some conversation from here, about your plans, about a possible consulting engagement, etc.

This is loads of detail here, so you probably want to schedule at total of 90 minutes to investigate & digest all of these links.

It is good if you can respond ASAP (or sooner) to the invite to come and speak in Boston June 26. There are some other opportunities to learn stuff from 6/24 to 6/30 which I can describe later, if you opt to participate in the main event.

- - - - -

To Members of the Agile Group:

There is a fellow named Ed Seykota. He innovates. He has 2 pairs of models: a pair for 1-to-1 relationships, and a pair for group & system level relationships. His models confirm and align with the philosophies and assumptions which form the foundation of Open Space:

· All systems are open

· All systems are self-organizing

The Models

(1) intimacy-centric and control-centric models for relationships;
In a control-centric relationship, the parties go for control. They use manipulation, force, threats, guilt, etc. to get each other to "behave" properly. In an intimacy-centric relationship, the parties go for connection. Every event becomes an opportunity to become closer and more intimate.

(2) causal and system models for dynamic behavior.
In the causal model, we have a cause and an effect. You flip the switch and the light goes on. In the system model, you have inter-relating elements that co-evolve as their effects on each other change. Some examples of systems are a thermostat that intends to keep the temperature in the room constant and a futures market that intends to find a price that balances supply, demand and other speculative interests. Politicians typically apply the causal model to economic situations so as to find a convenient "cause" that justifies expenditures on their pet projects.

Now, what is interesting & concerning (to me) is the way the so-called Agile institutions tacitly support the control-centric model for relationships and the causal model for dynamic behavior, in Agile adoptions. Throughout the world.

I am an Agile consultant. I choose to focus my attention on finding ways to reduce the number of coaching days, such that organizations can reach a state of self-sustaining, “freestanding” agility faster. And here is what I have discovered: to speed up the process of change, the people in the situation have to actually consent to the change. They must be willing. They must be choosing freely. High Performance in Agile adoptions is a function of opt-in willingness to proceed on the part of the people who actually do the work.

Sound familiar?

Typical Agile adoptions today are implemented as imposed and mandated process change. By “management”. By "formally authorized leadership." This is the control-centric model for relationships.

Typical Agile adoptions today are implemented as imposed, mandated process change. The assumption is that if we can just "make them do this or that", we can “cause” improvement in the organization. This is the causal model for system behavior.

This is a very serious problem in our world, and one that the so-called Agile institutions are just not addressing. The Agile Alliance, for example, has various policy statements. Yet the Agile Alliance has no policy statement whatsoever regarding the harmful, mandated imposition of Agile practices. This amounts to a rubber-stamping of the control-centric, causal, imposed-Agile “status quo” that we see in the world today.

Open Space can help with Agile adoptions, but only if the Facilitator is unwilling to implement the control-centric model for relationships, and only if the Facilitator is unwilling to implement the causal model for social-system behavior. Well-intentioned management often just does not see it that way.

I’m concerned that we are entering a period where, absent any clear position statement on mandated-Agile from the so-called Agile institutions, we can expect trouble in the way Open Space evolves in the Agile-adoption marketplace. As Open Space Facilitators, we (and we alone) are in a position to maintain the sanctity of Open Space, and prevent it from becoming a tool of manipulation and control in Agile adoptions.

- - - - -

Related Link: The Agile Imposition
http://martinfowler.com/bliki/AgileImposition.html

Related Link: Sample Agile Alliance policy statement on certification
http://www.agilealliance.org/news/agile-certification-a-position-statement/

Control vs Intimacy Model for 1-to-1 Relationships; Causal vs System Model for Groups
http://www.seykota.com/tt/workshops/examples.html

May 1, 2014

Weight Report

Ed,

I include my weight chart.

I notice that when I embrace the feeling of hunger, and use it to signal eating, I tend to lose weight.

I also notice that when I feel boredom, frustration, anger or other feelings I don't especially like, I resort to loading up with carbohydrates to escape from the feelings.

Recently, when these feelings come up, I remember to embrace them and find their positive intentions and to find pro-active solutions - rather than medicate them with food.

Also, I notice that I have a substantial short-term swing in my weight this past week, while I experience some cold / flu symptoms and begin a course of antibiotics and cough suppressants. I notice a low of 217.5 and a high of 227.5 - most of which I credit to water.

All in all, allowing for the flu, I feel healthier and more energetic.

My doctor tells me I might consider 185 pounds as weight target consistent with my height and overall body structure. At my current rate of descent, I suspect I might find plenty more issues to work through on the way down.

Replacing a Taste for Food with a taste for hunger.