I open up to [name] and I feel vulnerable. I show the emotions I hold back. I talk about my feelings. I think that [name] would recipricate but doesn't. I ask about how she feels. She doesnt tell me her feelings and instead tells me what she wants and what she wants from me.

Maybe I try to control her by sharing my feelings hoping that she will share hers. I dont mind that she doesnt but I start to feel irritated since she uses my vulnerability to place blame on me. Maybe she doesn't. I dont know but I think this way. She acts as if she has her shit together and I don't and I have to get my shit together. And I feel like she talks to me from up on her pedestal. Im really sick of it.

Hours after our conversation I cant help but feel as if she manipulates me.

Btw I send you my a--hole email after speaking with her.

I think I can do without her as I want something else.

I have a good trend going here. I get to eat healthy for cheap. I surround myself with plenty of nature, I have activities to do to help around the business, I have martial arts class, I have a community here. The situation is not perfect. I have things I would like to improve in myself and my situation, but I think Im onto a trend in my personal life.

I guess what keeps me from moving on is a sense of guilt that I promise her something in the beginning and I dont go through with it. This feeling or thought keeps me looking backwards hoping to right a wrong.

I would like to learn to feel this guilt.

I receive a number of new inquiries regarding TTP since closing the Amsterdam Tribe in June and, including former members, count a total of six people committing to attend.

I decide to relaunch the Amsterdam Tribe and welcome additional applicants who may want to join.

Please find the Amsterdam TTID, hereby attached.

I wonder if you might update the Directory link on the Resources page of your website accordingly.

Thank You.

Today, my trading account is at all time high, after a recovery from 36.58% drawdown. My positions are

Short: Wheat, Beans, Sugar, Gold, Crude, TY
Long: DX, Cocoa, S&P

I hope you're doing well in PR and as always, you're welcome to our home, if you ever visit Silicon Valley.

Here is the photo of someone you know from my last visit to Computer History Museum.

I'm curious to know, where and when you have an idea of writing in SVOP-b?

I love to achieve mastery in SVOP-b thinking and writing!

Regards

JWF

I would like to inform you that I cannot attend workshop on Sunday. I must leave on the morning flight in order to make it to my cousins wedding later that night. I wonder what I will miss on Sunday workshop.

Thank you for expanding your answer to Getting What He Deserves.

I don't believe I "deserve" anything - good or bad. I attempt to discern what I can change about the structure and what I can't.

I accept that [some people] currently experience me as whining and complaining, which of course precludes "true" sharing of feelings.

- - - - -

He: I notice that when I receive your e-mail asking me to call you I feel annoyed and manipulated, and I feel like I don't want to call you.

She: oh wow thank you for telling me that.

He: thank you for receiving it. I notice I expect you to get defensive.

She: thank you for sharing that. I see that I do get defensive and I feel much happier when I can just listen to what you say.

Dear Ed,

I feel heat radiate across my chest and a tightness under my ribs on the left side as i think about my financial situation. My face screws up in a grimace. I want to get out of this vise-like grip.

With love and regards,

Your student.

Hi Ed,

A lot of this is already in the essay.
I've selected a few that have been the costliest (emotionally and financially).

My Current Situation:

I am a trader with exceptionally high potential to be one of the absolute greatest and recognize that eliminating a hand full of behaviors will put me well on my way in short order. I want to deal with whatever feelings stand between me and being one of the absolute best traders ever.

The Specific Situation I Desire:

I am one of the greatest traders that has ever lived. I trade to my full potential. I have felt the feelings that had previously prevented me from achieving my potential and finding the right ways to achieve my full potential. I feel grateful. I will always be able to give.

My Current Situation:

Apprehensive about big jumps in success. I feel like being wildly successful might somehow make me 'bad".

When I am faced with big jumps in baseline success in trading / success happens quickly, once I realize the implied windfall by projecting out X months, years etc. I become preoccupied with maintaining outlier performance as the standard and engage in excessive risk/poor risk management/poor execution / errors (code, calculation, implementation etc) . Losses are the typical result, I then ​question my worth and ability.

The Specific Situation I Desire:

I accept that I can have rapid success and that I can still be me. I accept my ability, and trading/empathy gift. I feel worthy of success, deserving of wealth, deserving of happiness and stability. I feel calm and secure in my ability to be consistently great when trading and to allow myself to accept losses, protect capital and trust that there is no limit or expiration on my ability to trade.

My Current Situation:

A climb that starts slow, accelerates to impressive heights then crashes:

I trade well for many weeks in a row, even months. I make money nearly every day. I begin a run with small percentage wins each day and careful implementation. I am trading well and in a way that is congruent with my systems, my research and my beliefs. It feels great and the results are great.
​
As the days go on I am more apprehensive and overconfident at the same time.​
I am focused on making EVERY TRADE a winning trade and taking more and more risk.

I feel greedy and competitive.
I feel aggressive and rushed.​
I keep winning by forcing wins through lopsided risk/reward trades and feel afraid.

I am attached to the idea of how much I will make if I continue doing well.
I'm not trading properly now but still "winning", I only want to win. It feels like binging on drugs or sex. I am taking trades I don't relate to and that have no known or tested expectation.

I'm tired.

I am losing now. Today. I "come to" after a series of massive losses in a day or one huge loss.

I stop trading for a while to think about why intend to do well then suddenly intend to win then intend to lose.

I reflect and learn.

I restart the cycle.

The Specific Situation I Desire:

A steady rise in profit with occasional jumps up and pauses. I am committed to trading well. My trading results do not include the blowouts and deviations from the kind of trader I can be and want to be all the time. I continue trading well and take breaks to assimilate the success and integrate the progress.​

My Current Situation:

I feel a sense of fear that if I focus on trading 100% instead of my other businesses, I may not be able to support my family and our lifestyle.

The Specific Situation I Desire:

Trading pays the bills and some. I have stable confidence and results/behavior.
I focus on trading and trading related development 90% of the time. The legacy businesses run successfully with the help of employees. 90% of my income comes from a small percentage of taken out of trading profits each month. The percentage taken from profits is 3x my overhead. I have no fear of a blow up in trading or in any other area of my life.

My Current Situation:

I have hundreds of trading paradigm ideas, many areas of interest for research that relate to my observations and feelings about price/crowd behavior, many feelings and beliefs related to types of price activity, a number of working automated systems, several initial frameworks for entries, exits and regime detection and an innate skill that I've developed over years at reading the tape/charts and trading in accordance with the prevalent mode or trend in any market on a short time frame. It is not fully congruent, articulated, complete or functional as a system, business or philosophy.

The Specific Situation I Desire:

I have a well articulated philosophy that explains a cohesive and congruent system of systems including automated versions of my best discretionary trading methodologies, the best of my existing automated systems incorporated in a way that gives expression to the concepts I find most interesting and that yields consistent profit as part of the larger ecosystem. All elements are tested and "proven" to a 98% confidence level to be robust across a number of markets specifically within the contexts for which they are intended to thrive. All component systems are integrated into a symbiotic/diversified and profitable trading business that I operate as a trader and Grand Patriarch. I continue to manually trade along side my systems profitably and continually apply what I learn, test and develop to the system ecosystem.

My Current Situation:

Friends and family offer/request for me to trade their capital. A fund offers to back my trading. Other express confidence in my ability based on their appraisal of me and my (punctuated) periods of high returns with high a daily Sharpe.
I feel hesitant. Afraid of 'outside' capital and reluctant to be 'beholden' to someone. Feel like an impostor. Not ready to not blow up.

The Specific Situation I Desire:

I trade well consistently and have completely eliminated the periodic risk binges at the root - in a paradigm shift. I'm comfortable trading third party capital along with my capital and have attracted like minded investors that contribute the right intensions. We have several million dollars under management and are attracting many additional investors.

Sep 17, 2014

Onions

Ed,

Our onions are looking well this season.

Onions

I think I have a thing about shame I may need to work on.

Something happens recently that I let me experience shame. That night I dream and wake up shocked. The shame follows me and makes me feel it in my dreams.

Anyways, now I have saliva keep pooling up in my mouth and I have to spit it out. I wonder if TTP can help me get over this.

Thanks for listening,

- - - - -

I would like to apologize for saying too much stuff. Anyways I think I change for the better. I apologize if I make you feel uncomfortable reading my mail sometimes. Im really sorry. Thank you for listening to me. I think about the impression I make on you.

I scrunch my mouth and nose and I squint my eyes when I think about what you may think of me. I breath out. Ehhhhh.....

Anyways, see you in October.

- - - - -

I wonder how you feel about self acceptance. I can see the positive of seeing all my flaws as a person so that I may fix them, but I have trouble with my self image. I wonder what you have to say about this issue.

- - - - -

Thanks for your responses. When I initially read your response I wonder what the answer has to do with what I write you. Then it hits me.

Yes I would like to consciously see how I set my boundaries and learn to to set proper boundaries in the intimacy centric way. I think that in the control centric way I would demean a person and lower his self worth for stepping into my boundaries. I would like to learn how to set up my personal boundaries at workshop. I do not know the feeling that accompanies <setting up boundaries>. I guess anger.

- - - - -

I notice I often behave as an a--hole. I would like to change that part of my personality.

Morning Ed,

I plan to stay in Puerto Rico at the intercontinental hotel from the 9th October to the 14th of October.

I look forward to meeting you and feel nervous thinking about attending the workshop! Updated workshop intention document to follow.

I want to write to you and I am so full of feelings that I have a difficult time with it. I have a hard time even breathing right now and my stomach feels tight and hot, like a hot ball. I am just going to go for it.

I feel like I have wrecked my life. Here are the thoughts or things that trouble me, some of this I write to you before.

I grow up in a hostile environment with an abusive Mom and a Dad who is paranoid with psychotic thoughts. I seem to try to overcome this all of my life. My parents pass away 6 months apart and before they do they both ask me to take care of my brother who is a drug addicted and living with them. I can't remember what I said to them but it was not "sure that will be fine".

In April of this year my Brother dies. This hits me hard; I lose 10 pounds. (I am already thin) and I break out in an odd rash. I think about him and my parents just about every day.

Not long after this my son who has multiple head traumas is checked in to a substance abuse center after being kicked out of school for the remainder of the year (he is caught at school with drugs).

Then while he is in the rehab my oldest daughter who has a history of depression is checked into a psychiatric ward because she is not safe.

As this is all unfolding I am seemingly "OK" except for one thing, my trading account.

About the time my son goes to rehab I start a draw down in my trading account. I think "OK I can handle all of this and will bounce back on all fronts". I did not, the trading account is almost gone and it is my only monetary resource and how I pay myself.

I feel like of have wrecked my life.

I think about this and realize that I feel guilty about passing on certain "bad" genes to my kids and guilty for not taking care of my brother and how quickly he died.

I think about what Robert Krausz said in Market Wizards:"The more closely the conscious mind is aligned with the subconscious, the easier it is to generate winnings. To keep those winnings, however, your subconscious mind must believe only one thing: that you deserve your winnings."

So then I think Intentions = results and I just don't get it, how can I want this?

I don't want this at a conscious level. I hate this, it feels awful and I feel like a failure. However, at a subconscious level could this be what I want and thus what is going on? Deep down I think I feel undeserving.

When I was young my mother said many times "I hate you, I wish you were never born, you will be a failure just like your dad". I hate failure. My head is spinning and I don't know what to do. Bills seem to come every day and I have failed. I am just going to feel it as best as I can.

Thanks for continuing the tribe work, I hope you are well and to see you again.

Warm regards,

June 21st, 2011 was the last day my lips touched alcohol.

As to Cannabis, it help the pain from 4 broken ribs better than pain pills.

Sober, I am angry.

Drinking held down this anger.

I just got back from lawyer. the drama will get ugly. I intend to focus on the truth. it feels angry sober, vein popping.

---

In 2010, I saw serious memory and personality changes in wife.

I quit, thinking she may follow suit. She chose to continue drinking. I feel guilt as I was the "drinker".

I feel tears, sorry, broken heart, betrayed marriage decisions. I thought about drinking for the first time in over three years. The pain is intense.


Kicking into broken rib could have killed me. This is why doctors do not wrap ribs, punctured lung or worse. I am so angry. If you think stopping Cannabis would help, I will. I am worried, sad, angry, hurt, but this time I went to a lawyer. If I were drinking this would not happen. I need rest and to cry.

Concerning the five windows FAQ. I don't get the part about the windows and the people in the windows. I understand that someone gets beat and abused but I don't understand about the people in the windows.

I guess I feel a lot of confusion when reading the submission. I have to read it over several times to get it and I still don't know what happens. I think the guy has a wife that beats him and another girl likes him(?).

Also, I see your response to a post about fear of snakes. You say the proactive response involves a rifle. I wonder if therapy or NLP/hypnotic suggestions would also count as proactive.

I also wonder to what extent the heart rock can help an individual. For example, a person feel envious of me and tries to take something of mine. I look at the person in the eyes and share that I feel scared the person tries to take something from me. Or I get a weapon to protect myself with. In the latter case it seems might attract more drama.

Also, I read the workshop update that a member submits detailing the successes he has since he goes to workshop last year. I feel hopeful and in awe of what the member accomplishes. I would like to congratulate him. I would like to submit my own success story in a year.

Sep 17, 2014

Govopoly in Action

Ed,

I place an order for Govopoly about six weeks ago and don't have my book yet.

I wonder if you can trace it for me.

I feel an urgent need to share my feelings after reading "More on 5 Windows", Sep. 17.

I feel anxious, agitated and distraught (I guess they feel similar), as I identify with the violent relationship the writer describes so vividly.

In my case, long ago, I participate more passively as the receiver of punches, but I know that both parties must take responsibility for such events.

I feel sick to my stomach at the same time as I feel compassion for both people in the drama. So many Rocks!

I feel sad that people feel trapped in repetitive nightmares like this. I wait seven years before getting out of mine.

As a former frequent user of both forms of medication, I see alcohol driving such violence much more than weed.

I will try to meditate now so I can go to work without this agitation.

I almost write "medicate"!

Ed,

I want you to help me. I want to attend your workshop in Puerto Rico. In return I will help you.

Regarding the fluffy girl with donuts, I feel shame at how you see me.

Ed,

I looked Saturday morning on Google Maps ... zoom into my five windows. Do you see them?

Five Windows

Google

Workshop Commitment

Thanks Ed.

I'm happy I made the commitment [to attend the Workshop].

If from your experience you feel there is anything I can do to be well prepared to better participate, support, learn, and benefit, please advise.

Best,

I notice myself resonating like a tuning fork as I read "Wants to Back Out" (Sept. 4).

In my case the title would read, "Wants to Prove She's Not Dependent", which on a deeper level would read, "Both Fears and Longs for Dependency".

The writer accepts her former boyfriend's offer to pay her enrollment in your Workshop, and then decides she should "wait" until she can pay for it herself (I assume "she" due to the mention of boyfriend but I may be incorrect about gender).

Issues most likely exist on both sides of their agreement, but what better place to deal with that than in the Workshop? She can set a primary goal of repaying the loan if that feels important to her. Meanwhile, lots of other good things may happen there.

I feel very happy to finally learn that I can be my own autonomous self and still enjoy depending on others, even when they are not perfect at taking care of my needs.

I attach a photo that illustrates my feelings about dependency, which I call "Everybody Needs a Binkie".

Binkie with stylish binkie holder.

I hope all is well with you. I see you move into warmer climates. I wonder, how are you enjoying the island life?

I do enjoy my family, life, work and trading a great deal since the breath-work.

I also notice that I am not making any progress in some areas like business building and fund raising.

I notice my mood being often attached to my P&L.

I wish to continue to grow and thus: please find the founding document of Central Florida Trading Tribe attached.

Sincerely,

Ed,

I feel I have been trying to 'help others' for a long time.

My Tribe leader tell me 'How do feel about helping others' after I relay to him the story about my roommate. My roommate wants to move out of the house and live in his car so he can keep on trading.

I try to convince him to do otherwise.

Then I have an episode with a co-worker. This co-worker is have a problem with her boss I try to help her and believe that I succeeded in fixing her issue.

Yesterday I hang out with a guy. He wants to meet women to find a girlfriend. I try to convince him to not look for a girlfriend but find a wife. We had a long discussion were I tell him stories of people who suffer because they did not get married on time in their life.

He tries to convince me and tells stories of people who suffer in marriage. The discussion goes on for a long time both of us getting emotional and trying to convince the other.

As I drive back home, I have feelings about my own marriage. I also feel that I have been trying to change other people by helping them.

I wonder why I need to help others, help them to get on the right path. I remember I used to do that when I was younger in school years. I always tried to give advise to my friends I remember some of my friends like this while others did not.

I wonder why I have this urge to advise others. As I try to find reasons for this behavior, I think it may be that I feel if I tell people what is good for them they will stick around as my friends. They will think of me as a good guy and be friends with me or may be it is just that I want to control others.

It wonder if this may be related to my childhood, being afraid of my father all the time. I feel if I did good, it will be safe and my father will be not be upset with me.

As I am new to TTP I may believe that I have a new tool that I can use to control other people.

Although these few people I have been trying to help do stay in touch with me and like to talk to me again.

thanks

My current situation:
I don't listen to my wife feelings

The Specific Situation I Desire:
I listen to my wife feelings and acknowledge her as she is respectfully.

---

Here is my template part 2:

My current situation:
Not managing a fund.

The Specific Situation I Desire:
Managing a fund with 50 million NOK under management.

---

Here is my template part 3:

My current situation:
I am eating more food than I need and I am also eating when I am not hungry. I am eating to medicate my feelings.

The Specific Situation I Desire:
I eat only when I am hungry. I am not eating to medicate my feelings.

Kind regards,

I attach the Boston Trading Tribe ID update. I schedule our next meeting for 11/11. We are open to new members.

I wonder if you might remove Florham Park NJ from the Tribe Directory as that tribe no longer meets.

Sincerely,

Sep 15, 2014

Driving the Wagon

Ed,

Thank you for your work related to alcoholism on your page:

http://seykota.com/tribe/FAQ/2007_Jul/15/index.htm

Your resource is great material for anyone concerned about alcohol addiction and recovery.

I am also working to spread resources concerning addiction. I have helped to put together an article concerning the effects of alcohol on an individual's relationships. Our article, How Alcohol Can Affect Your Relationship with Your Children, focuses on a few of the negative impacts your alcohol consumption can have on this delicate, and very important, relationship. Check out the article at:

http://www.quitalcohol.com/addiction/alcohol-can-affect-relationship-children.html

If you could take a moment to check out our page, you may find it useful to share it with your readers. Any share, like, or mention goes a long way. We are hopeful in helping individuals who are concerned with alcohol abuse, and in helping to create a successful road to recovery.

Thank you so much for your time.

I feel irritated and at the same time angry about missing out the workshop. I feel lacking control and disappointed and unable to steer my life in a direction towards understanding myself for the better.

Regards

Thanks very much,

Ed,

I feel quite emotional as I listen to Frank Sinatra singing "My Way", as if for the first time.

I never really pay close attention to the lyrics before ... I get the point but never really notice and take in the words.

Thank you for acknowledging me in such a powerful way.

Hi Ed,

Think of you and the FAQ tribe. I can feel lonliness now. It involves me sobbing to myself. I go out to talk to people and I feel less lonely. A strong and persistent loneliness exists that only one person can fill. She stays the one and only to fill this void. It feels like pressure on my chest.

I wonder how you replace something irreplacable. I feel a lump in my throat.

Thanks for listening,

---

I confirm that you have removed my post. Thank you Ed. And thanks for listening. I think by sharing with you I find that I get better emotionally.

Thanks for your help.

I see the FAQ page has tons of updates. Thank you for your work.

---

Thanks for commenting and thank you for sharing [the shame issue] issue with the tribe.

I see the picture you post and I feel disgusted by it. My mouth lowers down and I feel tension and I frown.

The situation I have:
When I do things I like to explain my reasons for doing such and such. I try to convince others and myself about what I do and what others do "is correct".

The situation I want:
I do not try to convince others.

Hi Ed,

I talk to my mom and I gain some of my momentum back. I think I do not feel embarassment. I share too much info with you and withthose around me. I walk around bringing embarassment to myself. I think I just have an AHA.

---

I read your response to a FAQ post dated Saturday, July 3, 2010

"Fathers and Sons - can help each other grow."

I see the picture and it reminds me of when I attend a similar boyscout event with my dad. Except we have to make and race a sailboat instead of car. My dad does everything for me and I don't get to actively participate. I laugh as I think about this and my eyes even water from feeling of joy. I know my dad doesnt get to spend time like this with his dad nor has this type of experience as a kid. Im glad that he gets to enjoy some of his childhood through me. I love my father.

I would like to live and take care of myself now. I would like to have an essential tribe of my own to take care and protect and enjoy.

I chuckle to myself at the thought of my dad liking boyscouts more than I did. I love my father.

Thanks Ed

Sincerely,

---

A thought comes to me that if I dont worry about money then I will have no money. I acknowledge this thought and I smile.

---

I feel a tingle in my scalp and I feel like oulling out my hairs. I start to do this for while and it feels good although I worry about hair loss. I wonder what Fred wants me to experience. I think it wants me to experience loss. In my mind what I "lose" I still have a chance to get back.

---

I take a look at the relationships I have with my family. Everything runs on the control model and I find myself using this also.

With friends and associates when I do not want to deal with them I just avoid seeing them at all. Recently a close aquaintance I know begins to scare me with her actions. I don't know how to react so I start avoiding her altogether. Same with most people I deal with. If I do not want to deal with them I just shut off communication.

I do not feel my feelings. I would like to stay safe in dealing with people.

---

I judge everything. This stems from my self loathing and inability to accept myself and probably some other feelings. I wish to receive people better.

I listen to a song and I judge the singer. The singer is not good enough. The singer doesnt have soul. The lyrics are not good enough. I cannot accept this person because I see much of myself in this person. I would like an acceptance rock. I would like to learn how to receive one at workshop. I judge the world so harshly because I judge myself harshly and I tear up and have short breaths thinking about it and I think about crying.

Thank you for listening,

---

Sometimes I see my situation so clearly. When this happens and I see it I can laugh at the cosmic joke. And then I wake up and continue with living. I think about control and I think about letting go and to other people I may seem free but inside I know I only follow the current. I would like to change the direction of the current. I wonder if you can teach me.