Dear Chief,

Is it possible that i buy Govopoly and you deliver to me when i participate in the workshop, please?

I live in Brazil and after the post September 23rd 2014 that takes 60 days to arrive here, i prefer to get it by hand.

Most of us gather for a meal and chat before tribe.

Drumming gets a good groove going. We check in. All are going well. Improving health, profitable trading, one member has been able to get weight down and off blood pressure medication, other health improvements. Even golf game improving. One member has flat trading outcomes for the last few months after a good period of profits, but is still following his system. Previously before we started following TTP, he had had massive losses.

We run the warm-up exercises and I ask for hot seats.

The most profitable member ... has the biggest hot seat issue. His account is very profitable in line with expectations but he is haunted by feelings of doom and has started to make small 'mistakes' after 50 perfectly executed trades. He feels very nervous "I am going to f**k it up again". He reports in his life great success often turns into even greater failure.

He ramps up the feeling and the process manager ... freezes it and asks for a pivotal moment. He identifies at age 3-4 trying to hold his mother's hand in a crowd overseas; she recoils as if he had spiders in his hand; he gets lost and cries and eventually finds a policeman.

We struggle to find the rock here and have another couple of iterations of the hot seat. He identifies an incident at age 12 when placed in an advanced class, and had to work hard but still was not even in the top half of the class. He reverts to a moderate effort only. This one doesn't really cut it either. On the third attempt he finds an incident at 17 years old when he failed to live up to his parents' (mother's) expectations in his exams (he "only" gets a top 2% result not the top 1% needed to go straight into medicine to become a surgeon like his father).

His mother ridicules and humiliates him in front of the extended family. Hot seat identifies the rock as "when criticised get angry get mad run away" "You think that's bad I'll show you bad!!!". The rock is in response to the messages "you are not worthy of love" and "You will never be good enough". He has had 0 (zero) lifetime hugs from his mother.

We reenact (I come up with the term "Mr 98%" which seems to work well) and it triggers the old feelings.

We look for more proactive rocks. Hot seat decides on 1. I get my self-esteem from myself. Others cannot ultimately judge me. I deserve success and love. 2. Receive and empathize with his mother's inability to love and accept that's how she is. It is not about him.

We reenact and hot seat politely declines the old rocks (from his Dad) and accepts the new rocks from his uncle. He reviews events in his life looking for how the new rocks would fit and if they would work. He feels they work.

We check out in character, hot seat releases us and we check out. The process seems to go well though with some confusion looking for the pivotal incident and the rocks. We find the checklist very useful.

My issue is drifting apart from old friends who have not moved forward as I feel I have.

On intensifying the feeling I find I am really more upset about my own wasted time in the past and how long it took me to get going. In the breathwork last weekend (second breathwork) I have the sense that "there is plenty of time" and "things will happen when they need to" so this is strange.

Then I notice that I have had the breathwork weekend, a very intense hiking trip and 4 days of illness recently. This has slowed my progress lately but the overall trend is strongly positive. We conclude there is no rock here and I am happy with the insights gained. We stop the process.

[Name] has an issue with skipping trades that are not "perfect", though in his system he should be taking them and they would have been substantially profitable. This leads to feelings of regret. But he does not feel very hot and passes on the hot seat.

[Name] hasn't updated his workshop goals yet. He feels nervous about the workshop.. He is doing good work on his music composition objectives and is very proud of his latest song which he plans to share with Tribe. Someone comments that not having clear goals for the workshop is in line his his MO of drifting along aimlessly. He too is not hot, according to him.

No-one else is hot so we check out and terminate the meeting.

In our previous meeting no-one feels hot so we have only a short meeting. I resolve to lower the bar for something being hot-seat-able. Thus this week's not seat is rather low key but useful. I find also my two breathwork sessions have resolved a lot of issues

I hear from a former tribe member from my [City] days that his fund ... is going well, up >50% YTD and well into the black since inception.

Hi Ed,

Just one Rocks Process at last night's meeting.

HS1

HS takes the chair and wants to explore a feeling of impending doom.

HS outlines his situation: after considerable effort his trading reaches a period of performance consistent with his back testing he likes these results and worries about throwing them away/losing them. HS works hard on himself and developing a system post a GFC equity wipe-out.

HS states that recently he gets an acute feeling of impending doom after going live with his system. HS ramps this feeling up and adopts aggressive shaking and wheezing forms in his chair. Performing the role of PM and considering he may tire easily, I ask him after about two minutes to freeze the form, ramp it up and recall a critical incident.

HS then describes a scene where the three year old HS reaches for his mother's hand while on holiday and she pulls her hand away like his hand contains spiders. HS then experiences the panic/impending doom feeling and finds himself apart from his mother where police console him and he waits for his mother.

HS wants to experience the feeling again so he ramps up, I freeze at what I call a peak intensity and he outlines a scene where at the family dinner table over a lunch with his wider family his mother announces her disappointment with him and his choices about studying law with his upcoming graduation in three weeks.

HS goes to jail some weeks after this scene. Responding to tribe questions about his father HS states that his father displays the following notable relationship strategies: walk away and/or act up outside of the marriage. HS then decides to re-enact the dinner table scene. First time through: HS's mother berates him and his father walks away. Second time through HS rejects this rock (walk away/act up) while his uncle interjects over his mother and while his father stays put. Uncle then congratulates HS and suggest he accept his mother in her current state/show empathy towards her and not base his self-worth on her approval. HS accepts the new rock and we check out.

The first thing I can think of when writing this e-mail is: What a wonderful world in which two people separated by thousands of miles can chat about their hopes and fears without a previous introduction.

I just couldn't help it. I had to send this e-mail to you.

Ed, if you have a moment of boredom in your seemingly appealing island lifestyle, I would like you to have a look to next.

This evening, I have read your interview on Jack Schwager's Market Wizards. It was something I wanted to do for some time (thus I got it). I had heard about your eclectic point of view and my interest just didn't stop growing up. So, when my other readings allowed I plunged into it.

Now, I might be abusing of your own words on this letter. But a forgiving reader will understand.

However, this story doesn't start here. My only goal in life has been finding or creating my bliss. Grasp it and try not to let it go. I've sought and acted a lot in order to fulfill this achievement.

By now, I haven't been successful... Or maybe yes...

I have always felt uncomfortable with the 'traditional' ways of living up to me. I guess because of unproven high expectations of myself. As a result, nothing has paid off enough. But it dawned on me the idea that bliss is what you really want to do in life. And what you want to do in life can only be achieved within yourself and by accepting life as it comes.

So, here's where trading emerges. As an instrument of self-knwoledge and self-creating. An inner trading, I'd say. An universe in the inside. From that point of view, trading gets everyday more and more interesting.

By the way, after this speech I think introduction is needed. My name is [Name] and I'm writing from {Country] (at this point you'll have noticed English is not my first language). My interest in trading was born a few months ago and since then I have read everything that comes to my hands as long as the bothersome burden of university permits.

I haven't traded yet. I feel I'm in tune with everything I read though. It is something that had never happened to me. Because of that, I'm full of a wierd feeling of confident (despite of not having been tested) which fills me in with enthusiasm and I enjoy.

But let's go back to the interview. A paradigm of this enthusiasm.

As often, when I'm reading I usually listen to music. This time was no exception. So, I started listening to Mozart's Clarinet Concerto by chance. To my surprise when Jack Schwager says: 'The classical music station I found on the radio was playing Mozart's Clarinet Concerto. The combination was glorious.' The only thought that came to my mind was like the book title: Surely you're joking Mr. Schwager! Yeah, I couldn't agree more, the combination was glorious.

What were the odds of that combination? Or was it a metaphysical signal? No matter what. The low probabilty joined to such a beautiful moment entailed a battle between my logic which avoids looking for reasons or order and my uncoscious which is willing to find one. Yet to know the end of the war.

But not only this is about the Mozart issue. In your interview I found the climax of that feeling of understanding and agreeing that I'm experiencing in this short and intense approach to trading. What you said back then when I wasn't even born nailed the way I see many things. It's good to meet people with whom you share thougths. Sometimes, it's tiring going all the time against and being called mad.

There are countless feelings of understanding and agreeing that I'd like to talk about but I'm already extending too much. I'llet you know my thoughts and how I'm developing.

The bug of trading has been born within myself. Do I want it? Do I want the idea of it that I portrayed in my head? Or is it just a quirk? Time will say.

Thanks for your thoughts and for reading, Ed. I hope you find joy and bliss in everything you're involved. Sorry for my lack of phrasing and foreign mistakes.

P.S.

So fitting the name of the performer!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rd7-ZvMx1fE

Sep 29, 2014

Annoying

Ed,

Thank you for your response to my correspondences.

- - - - -

I think identify the feeling of <not keeping agreements>. I read your response to my Sept 21, 2014 "Workshop Issues" post. And when I read "<not keeping agreements>" blood rushes to the outer left side quadricep and I feel three quick pulses in one second. Not sure if I identify it correctly or if this response has no correlation with the feeling and I try too hard to identify it.

I do not identify any feelings of <cutting losses>.

- - - - -

I notice that I feel burning in my chest when I read your reply. I notice <not wanting to go>. This form has me lying on my left side in bed. My chest burning and shoulders slump.

Another form that I have recently involves me clenching my fists really hard. I find myself doing this as I travel in the car on the way to the airport. I also find that I wake up with this form three days ago which results in significant nail marks on my palm although I do not break the skin.

I think that I annoy you. I think about not wanting to go to workshop and that I say too much. I think we have drama that I would like to work out at workshop. I want to test you for willingness in continuing to receive me and work on this issue as well as my own issues at workshop. I provide willingness.

Thank you,

Ed,

Our tribe meets weekly every Tuesday. We have haphazzardly moved away from the typical TTP processes I have practiced before and away from feelings.

The group intermittently wants more results and expresses dissatisfaction without willingness to do the feeling work or real commitment to a specific process.

Everyone shows up hopeful.

I'm hesitant to formally impose the TTP structure even though I really want it to be as good as it can be.
We start the meeting.

I check in SVOP. I feel present and am very aware of my body feeling open and grounded. I have weight in my face like "sad": but it is calming and soft. the back of my head feels like it is open to the air - brain exposed, ventilated and heat rising.
It feels relaxing.
​
Another member checks in - also SVOP and very physical. Expresses some sensations similar to the ones that I am feeling and adds others that I begin to feel once he describes them.

Another member, NAME, begins a CM style check in. He fells good. Wants to support the process.

Another member checks in, I feel a sense of tightness and grit my teeth as the check in turns into a long winded story telling.

The last member mirrors the more verbal checkin but "seems hot" to me.
He also seems unwilling to feel or really engage.

I note that I have a hard time feeling his check in.
I assess the heat of the participants and ask is if NAME is willing to feel his feelings.
Before I have a chance to ask who wants the hot seat, a member points out that NAME seems hot.

The consensus in the group is that NAME seems hottest. We offer NAME the hot seat.

NAME continues to story tell, explaining ideas about feelings and openly states that they don't know how to feel. He appears to be weighing and choosing words carefully. Tilting his head side to side like a scale. He continues to talk.
He uses a few charged words. I ask him to feel the feelings associated with those words.
He stops moving and begins talking a lot more.

I encourage him to do more talking. He scratches his hand. I say do more of that.
Other members are unsure what to do.

There is no field of acknowledgement. There is no relentless validation.
We all basically observe. I feel now that he is stranded.

As the talking winds down and we pause, another member describes a laughing meditation.

Everyone looks around and someone fakes a laugh to try it out.
We all start to try to laugh.

The laughs sound fake. My laugh is forced and shrill and creates a tight feeling of air hissing out. My hands are in a grasping forward position gesturing outward, fingers a part.

Another member is displaying all of his teeth, his mouth is wide open and he is laughing very loudly. Other s have their own way of laughing. At first it goes around in a circle like a check in then in cascades into all at once.

We all continue laughing and it transforms into something else.
I begin to feel a real laugh building inside, it wells up and gets close to being dominant versus the concurrent intended laugh that is also somehow still consciously happening.

I sense others are having a similar surprise. The sound of the laughter changes. It becomes gentle, happy and fluid instead for harsh and forceful.​

We all look around as it ends a few moments later and the member that originally mentions it says hell learn about it and will report back next meeting.
​
I reflect on this meeting. I reflect on willingness and format.

I realize that I have avoided feelings of wanting a process in my role of "Chief" of my tribe and that I have omitted feelings in my parts of my earlier FAQ/ Workshop submission.

I feel a cool wave and tingle on my neck and a sense of floating above the keyboard looking through myself as I write this.​

I reread this - editing and my stomach feels round, full.
I feel air in my nostrils and a cool wave in my head as I relax.

Thank you for receiving this.

Best,

You say to a FAQ contributor "If your primary drama happens to include desertion, one or another of the mates eventually leaves, freeing up both parties to continue the endless cycle of chemistry --> struggle --> separation."

I wonder how one gets out of this cycle if one wants to eliminate this drama and have both people moving forward together.

Also, I ask my mother about my birth and she says she gives birth to me rather easily.

Also, I think about money and how some people use it as a means of control.

I think about joining a seminary and start preaching since I won't have to earn any money and have my bills and schooling paid for and judge sex as bad which leads to hotter sex.

Then I read the post about the guy and his wife of so many years and the intimacy they have with each other and I get a boner. I would like to have that kind of relationship with my wife. I mean to say that I would like to change the way I view and use money so that I may provide.

a friend of mine tells me that he feels very attracted by a lady friend of his wife and would like to have sex with her. He tells his wife about his feelings. I almost fall from my chair and tell him "I wonder about the reaction of your wife!". He answers "Well, she also tells me when she feels attracted or aroused by a guy".

:-O

I ask him "and does that not lead to conflicts?" "No", he says. "Indeed, after such conversations, we have fantastic sex!".

He has been married for over 30 years and is in one of the most happy and successful families that I know. After so many years, the physical attraction is fading away, but the emotional intimacy between them works as an powerful aphrodisiac.

- - - - -

Today I tell my girlfriend about my feelings regarding my ex-wife. I have some reserves, because I don´t know if she can accept it. She mentions "After so many years married, and the loss of the nest, I think that it is completely normal that you feel that way". She mentions that a solution could be to talk to my ex-wife about my feelings. I reckon that I feel afraid about her not accepting my feelings (this would lead to even more distance between us) but also accepting my feelings (what if I feel closer to her, and she hurts me again?).

I decide to take the risk of feeling hurt, ridiculous, misunderstood, rejected and needy and tell her about my feelings. I feel very curious about the results of the interaction.

Best regards,

I wonder if the students should make their own rubrics?

Hi Ed,

I am an undergrad in [Country] and I took a liking towards trend following after reading Turtle Trader and other books on trend following thereafter. I would like to one day be my own fund manager, with my own trading system.

I would like to ask, what are the considerations that go into creating a system?

I currently trade binary options and follow a system created by a friend who says it is based on price action. The system is doing well but I tend not to follow it to the tee and I believe it is because, as you would say, I simply do not trust the system.

As such, I would like to start creating my own system and would greatly appreciate directions and tips on how to approach this.

Thank you,

I would like to share a dream with you. I attend your workshop 2 times in my dreams.

The first time, you try to throw me out. The second time I get one on one time with you and you tell me certain things about what happens in my life. And you tell me I have enough to trade. You also tell me my two mothers will leave. And you tell me that the only thing [name] and I lack are bridesmaids.

When you initially tell me this, for some reason I think this means [name] will die and I react accordingly by crying. And I wonder if she does in a certain way and I wonder what this dream means.

I wake up from this dream feeling up and radiating and ready for the day. As opposed to the first dream where I wake up paranoid.

Situation I have:

I buy my plane tickets late. I procrastinate. I waver between going and not going to workshop as an excuse to buy late. The price of my tickets increase from 400 dollars when I first check the price to 750 dollars by the time I buy. I allow this to happen often.

The situation I want:

I would like to act proactively instead of procrastinating and save money in the process.

As I type this I wonder if this trait might serve me well in trading. And I wonder if I would really want to change this.

Ed,

I clicked on the attribution at the bottom of the (still) invisible photo and see it is indeed a great photo, and also that they misspell "vise-like" as "vice-like" in the caption.

I suppose one day all the nit-picking grammarians will be gone and that will signify the end of the world!

today I see my ex-wife and with horror realize that I still experience a strong desire to be with her.

I recall dreams in which we are still together and I wake up elated and happy.

However, she states clearly that she wants to be alone, and I experience dread and disgust when I think about living again with a person which relates mostly using control-centered methods.

Maybe this, my resistance to accept the end of the marriage, explains the distressful symptoms that I experience in the last time. I appreciate any ideas from you.

Best regards,

I write to express gratitude for your book that I have received (Govopoly) and soon in the mail Trading Tribe! I am always blown away by the years worth of knowledge and experience and wisdom that is in a book that can be bought for a small price and held in the palm of our hands.

I noticed that the rules of trading and relationships and life are strongly correlated and then when I came across your FAQ site of the Trading Tribe a few weeks ago I became interested. My mind is still naive but all these books I read change that every day. Thank you for being a part of my journey. Your mind is beautiful and you make logical sense. This is rare! I studied pure mathematics and I used to think that in this world there was no room for such logic because people did not make sense, until I started trading. Which is probably ironic.

When you have your next TTP Workshop I will fly over from [Country] and join. I struggle with people and the logic/emotion. It is like I have to train myself to care less in life and have a bad memory to not be disappointed by people and I wish I could shut off my mind from thinking.

Sometimes I wish I had a bad memory. I train and honour my health which looks after my mind, but I feel like I have too much memory and too much energy, and I want to remove more thinking processes to calm my nerves.

So I really look forward to your next one. I noticed the Puerto Rico one last week but I want to honour my project commitments. If you do have a next one and are still welcoming first timers, I will be very glad to be a part of it.

Ed,

Attending tribe meetings frequently makes people more friendly to me, and even the markets seem so.

Or more precisely, tribe meetings make the universe less hostile?

Thanks,

Would you consider publishing FAQ in book format. I for one would be very delighted to add it to my Trader's library.

Kind Regards

"A Live Interaction Between Humans and Quadcopters"

This captivates me and makes me feel joyous. I share for your enjoyment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C8OJsHfmpI&feature=share

I find your work with TTP inspiring and thank you.

PS: I wait with feelings of deep interest for your Govopoly book. I have a sense that a new journey begins.

It has just arrived!!!

Thank you for your support.

Best regards,

Puerto Rico to Pernambuco in 60 Days

I go through FAQ from earlier this years. I watch the TED talk with Brene Brown on vulnerability. Curiously I can't find the post again. And I think about not sending this e-mail because if it. I decide to send it anyway and I see that I still have the link active on my browser which I paste below.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-887327

Anyways, I want to say that I hide my vulnerability from others. As a result I feel alone and no one knows me. A lot of the implicit agreements I make with others concern hiding each others' vulnerability.

We teach each other how to hide our vulnerabilities and we disconnect from others.

I guess I really feel scared of being vulnerable. Of being laughed at and ridiculed. Of people pointing me out and discarding me as an outcast. Even if not, I remember a woody allen line where he says "I wouldn't want to be in a club that would have me as a member." Thats how I feel. My self loathing runs deep. I would like to change and make power moves.


- - - - -

Suddenly now, things feel normal. I see how you play a role in the drama I create. I notice whereever I move and in whatever social circles I appear, the same roles keep popping up. I wonder how.

We had a fantastic day at the Circle TT. We arrived just before sunrise on Tuesday morning and parked our cars near the shed. From there, we followed the bluff above the Cedar creek on foot all the way to the railroad bridge. We stopped a few hundred yards short of the bridge due to a construction crew working on the bridge. After that, we retraced the same path and returned to the primary bluff lookout over the creek. We descended down the bank and explored the creek shore. After hearing some hogs, we climbed back up the bluff and waited with an aerial view of the creek. We were unable to pin them down. Next, we crossed over into pasture on the other side of the railroad tracks and hiked most of the way along the two-track toward the opposite side of the railroad bridge hoping to see some hogs out in the open. We didn't see anything so we retraced back to the cars and decided to take a break for lunch. We spent around 5 hours on the property before lunch.

We ate some lunch and returned to Austin to get some work done on our computers. We returned to the ranch at 5pm with hopes of finding active hogs around sunset. We parked our cars in the same spot and spent around 30 minutes spotting from the top of the bluff over the creek. After that, we drove through the 2 primary cattle pastures looking for hogs amongst the cattle. We proceeded back to the railroad bridge and hiked the brush in that area for some time tracking some sounds and hoof prints. We spent the rest of the evening driving back and forth spotting from the car. We used a flashlight and night scope after the sun went down. The rain began around 8pm and continued to 9pm. We did spend some time spotting from the top of the bluff in the rain before we decided to conclude the hunt.

Although we didn't get any hogs, we enjoyed the land, met some friendly and curious horses and got some great exercise. Thank you very much for this opportunity!

I hope you're doing great.

Attached are a couple of photos of the hunt.

Regards,

No Pigs Around Here

Ringing the Register

Ed,

The S&P 500 is up 200% since the March 2009 lows.

That's great if you've been fully invested since then, but let me ask you one question…

When do you ring the register?

Now? What if stocks keep going up?

When your buddy at some fancy bank or hedge fund tells you to?

Never because you "believe" stocks always go up and you're "in for the long-term"? How'd that work out for your parents in 2008 and 2000? Both times, they took 50% drawdowns.

From 2000-2013, stocks went nowhere – earning people no money. None.

What if stocks start falling? Do you sell when they drop 10%? 20%? 30%? 40%? 50%?

Most people have no idea when to sell. Most people never sell. They don't want to think about it or take the 20 seconds to click the two buttons in their Schwab account to protect their money. So, they get pummeled and frantically watch CNBC for answers.

Don't be these people. If you have an advisor, ask him what the plan is. If he doesn't have a good answer, fire him ASAP.

If you invest directly in a hedge fund, ask the manager what the selling procedure of his strategy is. If he doesn't answer clearly, bust a move outta there. He probably doesn't have one.

Having a selling plan protects you when the sh*t hits the fan.

It's that simple.

Best,

I = R

Dear Ed,

Great job clarifying the real meaning of I=R in "Getting What He Deserves" (Sept. 17).

In the past, I feel confused, as the writer does, by thinking that "Intentions"
indicates "What I Want".

Now I see it as "The Life I Create by My Choices".

If I don't want the life I have I need to make different choices.

You also do a great job of describing how to do that process of change in the same reply.

So clear and so empowering!

Thanks for the time you give to FAQ.

Good Evening Ed,

This is an edited version of the first two emails I sent. I have looked it over for spelling mistakes. If you are going to share this on the site, please post this one.

Thank you.

- - - - -

This morning, I initiate an honest and open dialogue with [Name], via Skype. It's been sometime, since we last spoke. I share with him, my thoughts and feelings about our relationship. How I am tired of the cycle we have been in for the last 5 years. How, I finally gain momentum and energy to forward, gradually able to earn for and support myself. Everyday, I feel like I learn more and more about my self-worth and value. I tell him, I feel that I am at the point in my life where I feel ready to build with a partner, and I don't undervalue myself as much as I used to. I begin to feel that I truly have a lot to offer myself and others.

I share with him that in order for us to have a future together, he has to be willing to take responsibility for his life. To start finding away to support himself, instead of leeching off his family. How can he possibly expect to have a sound relationship, talk of having a family, marriage, wants to have sex, and speak of the perks of one day being a head of a clan yet at 26-yrs old, he is still suckling his mother's breasts (metaphorically).

For the entirety of our relationship, I put myself on the back burner, in order to devote time, energy, effort, to encourage [Name]'s growth. I made this choice thinking that once I manage to get [him] to a place in which he can securely stand on his own two feet, I could then focus on own self growth. In hindsight, I see that instead of helping him or myself, I was just an enabler in [his] drama of playing the cripple.

Everyday, I attempt to live in the present, while he remains stuck in the past. I share with him that I am no longer waiting for him or anyone to save me. I, no longer take responsibility for his life. I take on my birthright of being responsible for my own life, well being, and happiness. I share with him my concerns of a future together, primarily, because he is still 100% dependent on his parents for everything. He can't fend for himself and nor does he want to.

During our previous conversation, I share with [Name], how I see him, as a boy full of potential, yet, if we continue as we are, I would continue to be in a relationship with a cripple. I no longer want to take care of someone who enjoys to wallow or goes about his life behaving like a cripple, because he likes the attention, babying, and sheltering he gets from it, or because he is too scared to leave the shelter of his parents.

During this conversation, [Name], shares with me: " after the Workshop if I change, it will show how much I love you."

This afternoon, hours after our conversation, [Name] writes to me an e-mail in which he tells me to enjoy my life. Living in[Country], leeching off his parents, he has all he needs: "I have everything we always talked about. I have trees, I have fresh fruits and healthy foods. I have family. If you want to try this out feel free to come here." If I were to move to [Country], [Name] and I would survive by living off his family. I do not intend to move to [Country]. I had that option 2 years ago, and I know I made the right decision, staying in the USA.

A year ago, I'd feel devastated receiving this e-mail from [Name], solely, out of fear of parting. Today, I am barely phased. For five years, I have heard [him], speak of change, and share his grand dreams, and the next minute, he returns to his old ways, of doing nothing, besides entertain his fears and judgements. Never manifesting or working towards any of the dreams he speaks of.

As I type this e-mail, my father flashes to mind. A man who I barely know, yet the few times I've spoken to him, he promises me the moon, and the star. He promises, love, support, just to turn around, and disappear from my life, returning to his legitimate wife and kids. That's my father's MO. Until, tonight, I have never made the connection between [Name] and my dad.

I feel a lump in my throat. Tears begin to roll down my eyes, fogging my glasses and blurring my vision. I temporarily stop typing, I take off my glasses and cover my face with my left hand, while I quietly sob.

It makes sense now. I did not grow up with my father. I am an illegitimate child, that he had outside of wedlock. At my birth, he refused to sign my birth certificate because he said I was not his child (which was proven wrong by a blood test.) He did not want to acknowledge me as his child or take responsibility of me. He is a man who loves women, sex, has various children outside of wedlock, whom he does not take any responsibility for.

My biological mother had two children with him. The little I know about their relationship, he won her over with the tales he spun. Tales of change, love, and security. Tales of grandeur that gave her hope in him for a better future. Yet, in the end, once my father found a new lay, which he is good at, my mother was left with looking at the past decisions and sacrifices she made to arrive at her present, an illegal immigrant, alone, with 2 children, no support from my dad, and struggling.

Just like my mother placed her faith and hope in my dad, I placed my faith and hope in [Name]. I wanted [him] to love me, to claim me as his partner. To take responsibility of me and our relationship. I put a lot of energy into pleasing [him], at times at the cost of my well being to secure his love. I held on to [him] and our relationship, despite knowing that I placed my well being in jeopardy, I couldn't let go. I wanted and needed to prove that I was worthy of being intimately loved. Worthy of being treated well, taken cared of, and supported.

Throughout our 5-6 year relationship, [Name], has time and time again, wavered about wanting to be in a relationship with me because he is not sure he wants to take on the responsibility of being with me. He always had a list of things that was wrong with me or concerned him about me that made him question wanting to be with me: My skin color, my family history, people liking me too much, my friends, my background, his family and friend's opinion's etc. And, time and time, again, I subjected myself, to him wavering on me. I would apologize for my background and would attempt to appease his concerns.

Tonight, I don't feel desperate to hold onto [Name] and our relationship. I don't feel fear of letting go and to make way for partner who is better suited for where I am at in my life and where I see myself going. I feel strong. My eyes are dry, my sight is clear, my chin is up, and my heart beats strongly.

Thank you, the under Fred network.

Thank you Ed for this platform you provide for self exploration, and discovery.

In the article they talked about the banjo, which was a birthday present, and how Ben did his best to practice so as not to disturb his parents, even stuffing a pillow in the back.

Ben said one day "My dad came back one night, opened the door and just shook his head. He said,"Son, buying that banjo was the biggest (modifier of endearment} mistake I ever made in my life. That thing is nothing but a cacophony of harsh and unpleasant sounds."

" I didn't know what cacophony means," Eldridge said with a laugh, "but I knew it wasn't good."

I wonder if his dad would still think that now.

Ed,

(after seeing no new FAQ's for a week) FAQ's needed by your fans the next time you come up for air ;-)

Have mercy, we're thirsty!

Situation I have:

People sway me to make decisions that I do not keep.

The situation I want:

I would like the clarity to make decisions that I keep. I find out what the agreement is before I decide whether to accept or not. I have the clarity to see and understand my agreements. I keep my agreements. I clean up the agreements I have and continue forward making agreements that I keep.


- - - - -

Situation I have:

I do not like to admit my mistakes or even consciously know when I make mistakes.

The situation I want:

I would like my self esteem to not depend on counting how many times I am right and how many times I am wrong. I would like to realise and admit my mistakes and contribute a solution to fix it or let it go. I want to cut my losses. I want a personal life system that cuts my losses and focuses on long term prosperity. I would like my self esteem to depend on my character and my integrity rather than being right or wrong in a given situation.