At our recent Tribe meeting two members take the hot seat. I am deeply touched by both hot seat experiences. The experience which stuck with me the most is when one of the Tribe members brings up an issue of manipulation during the Rock Process, the day after the hot seat.

During the hot seat and Rock Process, the Tribe member tries to manipulate his relative ever so gently (without the Tribe noticing) nudging him the way the Tribe member wants him to go. The next day the Tribe member comes clean in a very honest and intimate interchange with his relative. This on the surface seems like a very vulnerable position for the Tribe member yet I am deeply affected by this and gain a new level of respect for him. I can't help to think he has this effect on the whole Tribe. I can't stop thinking about this on a flight back.

As I come home I am given an opportunity to communicate intimacy centric way, being very honest with an unlikely person.

Aside from trading business I run another specializing in bathroom renovations. I receive a request for an estimate to get some work done from a person I am familiar through a family members past business dealings. She has shown herself to be less than honest and trustworthy. She wants to get work done by my company but shares with our sales person that she would like to make payments if possible because she has no money right now. In addition, she has an overbearing, combatant personality with a hot temper at times.

At first I don't even want to bother to give her an estimate as I know some of my family members do not speak to her after the bad business venture falling out. I just don't care about her business and I don't want to take the risk of not being paid, but feel this isn't right. My business associate and my employee advise me to give her an overpriced estimate so she will decline and look somewhere else. This seems wrong as well. As my associate and employee keep cracking jokes about me sending her to hell, I have an aha moment.

I say, "I know what to do, I have to be honest with her" to which I get a look from all the people in the room with slightly opened mouths and question marks above their heads.
The next thing you know I run into her and her mother-in-law whom she takes care of. The renovation would help her mother-in-law who has health issues. We start talking and I just listen about her frustrations about being her mother-in-laws caretaker, about her failed business venture and all kinds of other stuff. We establish a rapport.

We get to talk about the renovation she wants us to do and I tell her, "look I understand you would like us to do some work but don't have the money for it yet, is that correct?" And she says yes, that she will have it later and so on. I tell her "look I really worry about doing this work for you unless you have all the money ready to go. I have to pay employees, purchase materials, pay my own bills – I don't want to get hurt. I don't want people who are dependent on me to get hurt. I don't want my relationship with you to go astray either."

I tell her all this while looking into her eyes and really meaning it. I sense she can feel it. She gives me this understanding look and with her sigh and we continue to chat about few other things for a bit until we part our ways. I feel in flow, powerful, calm, all and all, very good.

When I get back in the office guys can't wait to hear about what happened. "Did she scream at you? Did she swear?" they ask me. I tell them what I did, which was listening to her and share my concerns. From the looks of my team members, I sense admiration and respect. Who knew, who knew...

Thanks Ed and the Tribe.

Sincerely,

Mar 31, 2015

10-Year-Old Blind Boy Plays Piano

Ed,

Enjoy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HPF9uPllt8

Chief,

Another amazing Tribe. Always different and full of rich experiences.

I role play a much older brother in the first rocks process and a grandfather in the second rocks process.

I jump at the chance to role play an older brother. My oldest brother is sixteen years older than me. I recall he often disappears with no explanation. I look up to him when I am young and think he is cool. I recall pestering him to get his attention. I just want to play and hang out with him and his buddies. They are cool.

In role play, I experience the situation from his perspective. A younger brother pestering him. Disappearing when the younger brother is distracted. Not being there when he badly cuts his foot on a broke bottle. The experience is very real to me growing up.

I try to make it difficult for my younger brother to fore-give the disappear rock as I disappear to my room. Thankfully he persists. While happy for him to try the heart rock, I think he may want to re-try the disappear rock in the future.

When replaying the scene implementing the heart rock, I am happy to play with him, even for a little while, when he asks and tells me he likes it. We skip rocks and I am glad he beats me. I am glad I am there to help him home when he cuts his foot. I enjoy having him on my shoulder as he hobbles home. I go to the hospital too. This all feels really good to me.

- - - - -

Next rocks process, I jump at the chance to role play a grandfather with a woodworking hobby he uses to shut-down. My grandfather had numerous hobbies; woodworking, metalworking, hunting, fishing, trains, radio controlled airplanes, etc. He had all the latest and best equipment for these hobbies.

In role play, I experience being in the workshop sanding the piece of wood to smooth perfection. It is going to look good when I get done varnishing it. Plus I get to lose myself in the sanding process and ignore the happenings of the family. When my grandson arrives, it is easy and natural to provide him with the hobby rock. I want to protect him and provide him a way to shield himself. I instruct him to get a hobby, any hobby and lose yourself in it.

I do not want to take back the hobby rock from him. He is persistent. I am afraid for him. I do not think he knows what he is doing. I will keep a watchful eye on him and his interactions with the other family members. I want to see how his heart rock works and I want to protect and nurture him.

Implementing the heart rock, I am surprised to see how he is able to share feelings with his father and stand up for himself. He is able to quickly negotiate a solution with his mom's compulsive cleaning habits. He shares his feelings with his grandmother and establishes clear boundaries with her. I am happy for him and will keep a watchful eye on him.

At Tribe's conclusion, I am tired and ready to fall asleep.

At our most recent meeting I am able to participate in a Rocks Process. I play the role of the Hot Seat's childhood doctor, tending to an injury.

My role is a supporting role and neither an antagonist or a rock donor. I notice that I don't recall this kind of role in other Rocks processes I participate in. I'm curious, excited to see what happens and glad to be a part of a process where I'm not a rock donor or an antagonist.​

Role play gets under way.

When it is my turn to contribute, I notice that there is a distinct difference between the way I feel as I interact with the Hot Seat before he Fore-gives rocks and then after he starts using Heart Rock.

[Role play starts, interaction between Hot seat and his family leads to accidental injury, my role of doctor begins]

In role play before Heart Rock, I treat his injury and ask him if it hurts as I begin assessing the wound. He says he's fine that it's OK and anxiously winces in pain before I really touch him. I don't believe him. I see he is terrified, in pain and in shock.

I can't tell if the injury is worse than it looks or not. I feel sorry for him. All of my focus is on his discomfort and the evasive stoic mask he puts on. I do my job but I'm unsure of what will happen to him. I feel that my attempt to connect with him and reassure him dissipates around him like water off a thin plastic rain coat. I think he probably just goes through the motions of politely agreeing with me to get it over with. I have a sense that his mother just wants to get going too, even though she says nothing the entire time they are in my office being treated.

[Rocks are Fore-Given]

After he Fore-gives his Rocks and begins to use Heart Rock in the next pass of role play, I notice he is with his entire family. Everyone is engaged and there to support him. I ask him about his injury and ask him is it hurts and if he is OK. He tells me that it hurts a lot. He tells me that he is afraid. I feel that he is brave and sincere. I tell him that I will help him and I mean it. I tell him that I have seen this kind of thing before, that I know what to do and that I will take good care of his injury. Again I feel that I mean it and I'm confident that I will help him. I acknowledge that it is scary and that it hurts and then assure him that I will be able to address it right away and that it will heal.

I feel a connection with him and his family. We are a kind of unified field around him and he seems to receive our positive intensions rather than deflect them with what he thinks we want him to say.

Later in the evening after the meeting I tell Hot Seat that he seems bigger.
I think about this and realize that I see him as somehow more nourished and thriving.

In System Lab the next day I notice that his feedback is crisp and poignant. It remains courteous and respectful but it's not unnecessarily polite. I believe that he means what he says and I pay attention to what he is saying as he provides feedback to all the Tribe members after they present their work.

I really enjoy the experience of the role I play, the transformation I observe in Hot Seat and the quality of the character I see emerging after the process.​

It's genuine and exciting.

Thank you.

Problem affecting my life today:

I have to go for a medical checkup and have my blood drawn. I'm getting hot – sweating, turning red, blanking out.

Process:

Tribe asks about the blood, "do you have to go for dialysis?"

"No. It's just a regular little blood test. "

"OK, is it the needles?"

"Yes the needles are a factor, but I also freak out if I cut myself or think about blood too much."

Chief goes and gets some actual syringes from the medical cabinet and returns with them – he's playing the doctor - and I'm getting into full panic mode. A couple of Tribe members move off the couch so I can lie down and get ready to have my blood drawn. I'm gearing up for a big medical drama, and really feeling it. My Tribe is encouraging me now, -"Get into it," "Feel it more," "Rock back and forth,' "Tense up". With the support of the Tribe I get into the forms – I grab my right foot and squeeze it - I feel this in the pit of my stomach.

"Freeze - where are you?"

I'm standing in the lake about 700m from my childhood home and I see the blood filling the water. I see it vividly - there is a small ripple on the surface and the seaweed is swaying - my blood forms ringlets as it fills the water around my feet. I'm seven years old and I've cut my foot on a bottle.

I wasn't expecting this memory, and had actually forgotten about this incident.

PM checks for willingness and asks for the full story.

I'm playing in the lake by myself after my brother has abandoned me there. I step on a broken beer bottle – It's brown and has a very sharp edge. I cut myself deeply. I lift my foot out of the water and hold onto it. I don't even bother to cry out. There is no one around, and I'm used to it. I have to walk out of the lake and home on my cut foot. I get home - see my father who sends me to my mother, she wraps my foot in a towel and takes me to the doctor's office for medical attention. The doctor stitches up my foot and I return home where I'm pampered and made a fuss over.

PM asks if I would like to role-play the incident and work on it. He points out that it seems like a pretty good racket I have going - maybe I'd like to keep it.

I seriously consider not changing. It is a good racket – I've been using it all my life. I know that I want something else, but I literally can't imagine any other way of being. I'm stuck.

Fortunately the PM doesn't give up on me. "We have the technology here to help you if you want to change, but you have to want it, and you have to prove to me that you want to change, otherwise it would be unethical and irresponsible of me to proceed. "

At this point I finally put it together that the racket only works after I hurt myself. I only get the attention that I crave, and let up on by my family, if I'm sick or injured. I still can't imagine my life without these rocks, but I can say what I no longer want. Yes I would like to change - yes I'd like to stop hurting myself.

Role-Play:

Tribe members quickly take on roles and are ready to support. We check for accuracy and go through the event.

Key moments include:

The moment at which I cut myself and don't cry out or react.

The realization that I have to walk home, and when I push my cut foot down into the mud for the first time.

The deep hatred that I feel for my brother as I walk home - I blame him with every step.

Seeing my father as I approach the house - he has no reaction and tells me to go see my mother and returns to his activities in the garage.

The business like manner in which my mother wraps my foot, puts me in the car and takes me to the doctors office – "Look away" she says "it's not that bad."

Telling the doctor that it doesn't hurt – but still squirming around and being incredibly uncomfortable during the procedure.

Returning home to a barrage of attention – feet up in front of the TV (watching what I want!) – comic books – magazines – toys – and ice cream anytime of day!

The final payoff is when my brother returns – I'm the center of attention. He's pissed off – I smirk and tell him it doesn't hurt.

Rock Donors:

Sister – Be sick or injured; if that doesn't work just be annoying - either way you will get attention.

Father – Don't trust anyone – it's better to be alone.

Brother – You need to be tough - don't feel anything and if you do don't admit it.

My sister's rock feels the most important to return, so I select her first.

She doesn't make it easy. She tells me how well the rock works - and I know that it does. A fellow Tribe member sees me struggling to return the rock and helps by coaching – he says, "don't invalidate her, just thank her and tell her that the rock isn't working for you anymore."

This is exactly what I need to do - but I'm having trouble because I'm angry. I don't want to thank her. Thanks for what? Thanks for giving me a f--ked up way to deal with my f--ked up life?

Chief (playing my sister) tunes into the struggle and ups the ante with the exact same techniques my sister uses to this day. (Later, I wonder how he knows how to reproduce this so accurately).

I say "I don't want to hurt myself anymore."

She responds, "You don't even have to hurt yourself that much, and look at the payoff. People will take care of you like you're a king - you won't have to do anything."

I say, "I know that this works for you, but I want something different for my life".

She says, "If you give this rock back you will really hurt me".

And with that I feel like I'm disappearing in quicksand. The last thing I want to do is hurt my sister. She's been hurt enough. Now I've gone from weeping to full on crying. I don't want to hurt my sister, and I think that fore-giving the rock will. I'm losing the battle now and starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to give this thing back. I'm saying stuff like "I can't help you – I know that this will hurt you!" My coach senses that I'm losing it, ramps up his support. He says, "Just tell her….".

I stumble through using the exact words that he gives me. My sister takes back the rock, and says, "I'm going to keep an eye on you and your progress, and see if there is something for me to learn from you". In this moment I realize that giving back the rock doesn't hurt her, and that helping myself might actually be the only thing that I can do to help her.

My Brother makes it hard too. He runs off (with the pizza) into another room of the apartment and shuts the door. Again – this is a classic move that my brother would actually pull to avoid a conversation. I get through the fore-giving with support and coaching. I have a realization about playing sports as a child – being a dirty player and never showing any fear or pain – just like my brother taught me. Thanks – here's your rock back. I feel the anger again.

My father had a small role in the process. But the rock of not trusting anyone is the one that comes to mind the most in the days that have elapsed. I give back the rock with the realization that my life has a large hole in it.

Proactive Role-Play.

After being given the heart rock we run the model again. I practice listening to and communicating feelings - I get through with plenty of tech support. This time the outcome is different:

My brother is there for me when I get hurt, and helps me home – we play together later without annoying or hurting each other.

I tell the doctor that it does hurt, and this somehow makes the process much easier. I feel a sense of ease with the medical procedure.

I have a glimpse of what a supportive loving family might actually feel like.

Thank you Tribe for the support and encouragement.

Thank you Chief for the technology.

TTP Breathwork

Hi Ed,

I wonder when and if you will host another Breathwork session as I would like to attend.

Regards,

i am reading your latest book, very interesting.....

Referring to Us history we can say that 1849 signs the passage from govern to govopoly.

I realized 67 years of first attempt that tests strength or oppositors then another 67 years to win and arrive to 1913 Fed installments. This process is not natural because is simmetrical or you think different ?

So it is instrumented.

I am interested links to your models to logistic . I mean pendulum and logistic how are linked ?

I am a economist who graduated with system dynamics models of jay Forrester and Logistic. Fascinated by this esoteric thinking since then (1995). i am not able to catch the hints how pendulum and logistic are related...

thanks for ur tips

Container and Workshop

Ed,

I wonder about the status of the "container system" I hear about last year. I also wonder about plans you may have for a workshop in 2015.

Ed,

I schedule the first meeting of the Chicago South Trading Tribe on 4/24 at 7:00pm. I welcome pollinators to participate.

Tribe Report:
Losing a Tooth and Learning to Set Limits

Ed,

I ask my Tribe for permission to get on the hot seat. I explain I don't have a clear issue – just a form that bothers me a lot lately. The form includes tightening and scrunching up my face, jiggling of my legs and banging my knees and feet together.

The Process Manager asks me how this bothers me and I tell him I wish to move closer in a relationship and that I feel uncomfortable about that and that these symptoms come up every time I think about getting closer or more intimate in a relationship.

The Tribe, under his guidance, encourages me to get into the form. I get into it as best as I can – and I start to look for a formative incident. I see nothing. I tell him, "I can't find it." He tells me to say that more.

He asks if I really want to work and I say yes and he says "well, then get into it like you really mean it." I crank it up and the Tribe cheers me on. I scrunch my face and wring my hands and bang my legs and say, "I can't find it."

He asks me what I see. I say I don't see anything yet. He asks me to keep going. He tells me to keep analyzing things to and to avoid feeling things. Then I see myself in my crib as a baby, on my back, banging my knees together and sometimes holding my legs still and banging my feet together by swiveling them at my ankles.

He asks me to recount the situation. I say I have no situation. I feel alone in the crib and have to spend lots of time alone there and so I invent these activities for something to do. After I exercise my body like this for a while, I feel weary and can sleep. After I sleep and get more energy, I can get back to banging my feet and knees together.

The PM says to get back into the form and to crank it up some more. Then I see myself, years later, in a room with my father. I have a loose tooth and like to play with it. I move it back and forth with my tongue, alternately seeing how far I can push it out and then bringing it back in and pushing it up into place again.

My father sees me doing this and asks me for an explanation. I tell him about playing with my tooth. He says he wants to take a closer look. I hesitate to show him since I know he likes to play tricks on me. I tell him he can take a look if he promises not to touch it. He promises to look only.

When I open my mouth to show him my tooth, he quickly sticks his hand in my mouth and claws the tooth out. I feel the pain as the tooth tears away from my gums and I feel the pain of him, once again, tricking me into believing him and then hurting me – and taking my tooth away from me. I think of other incidents of trusting him and winding up with pain.

I go into shock and shut down. Eventually I start to look for my tooth. I can't find it. I can't find it on the rug. My father seems to have little interest in helping me find it. I try to remember swallowing it and not knowing for sure. I notice compulsively looking for it and saying, over and over, "I can't find it." I recall a lifetime of losing things and saying that same thing over and over and having that same obsessive feeling.

As I write this, I don't have a very sharp memory of the process at this point. I recall still feeling in shock and shutting down - from the trickery and personal invasion of my father.

I also recall the Process Manager mobilizing the Tribe and having my Grandfather appear and give me a shut-down rock to just ignore all the craziness and violence and to find some solitary hobbies and interests, like carpentry or golf, to keep my mind off the family.

My mother gives me a rock that informs me how to deal with stress by distracting myself with compulsive activity, such as cleaning the house, and getting all the dust, even the dust on top of the door jam – and to feel afraid of germs, the kind that you can get if you don't wash your hands – of if you kiss someone, directly, on the lips.

My grandmother does not give me a rock. She behaves similarly to my father, tricking me and attempting to violate my personal boundaries.

I see my life in my family settle into this mode, with my father and grandmother violating me and with me medicating myself by shutting down, resorting to other interests and engaging in compulsive behavior.

The Process Manager asks me if I like my life this way or if I want something different. I say I don't like what I have and I do not see how I can have something different.

He says if I do not want to change anything, we can end the process right here and now and move on – and that we move forward if and only if I want to move forward. I tell him I want to move forward.

He instructs me to fore-give the rocks. I start with my grandfather. I find him in his workshop, sanding a piece of wood and preparing it for staining and finishing. I tell him I want to return the get-lost-in-a-hobby rock. He doesn't understand this and tells me how well it works to take my mind off the crazy people in the family. He does not want to take the rock back as he sincerely wants me to have it to protect myself.

I then try another tack. I keep acknowledging him and thanking him for wanting to protect me and that now I want to try a different way. He wants to know what way I have in mind. I say I don't know and that I appreciate him giving me the rock and that if things don't work out I can come back and get it from him. He shrugs and says OK and takes it back.

Next, I return the compulsive rock to my mother. She accepts it only after I acknowledge her for giving it to me in the spirit of wanting to help me. When she sees she can help me even more by allowing me to supplement it with other resources, she agrees to take it back.

At this point, a heart rock donor appears and gives me a rock that, oddly, looks and feels like my missing tooth. He instructs me to use it at as a resource to remind me to share my feelings and to find out how others feel as well.

I go back into the situation with my father. This time I tell him I feel fear of his trickery and do not wish to subject myself to the risk of him hurting me. I ask him how he feels about tricking me all the time. He eventually comes around to saying that he feels he owns me and can do what he wants. I ask him how he feels about this and he says he gets the idea as a child, growing up in a similar environment.

Eventually he agrees to treat me and my body with respect and to stop tricking me and hurting me. I tell him I can remain open to that possibility and that I plan to stay awake and to not shut down and to keep an eye on him to see if he shows any progress. In the meantime, I do not allow him to get close enough to look into my mouth to see or my tooth up close or to touch it.

I also have a conversation with my grandmother in which I set similar boundaries.

I go back to my grandfather and tell him about setting these boundaries. He appears incredulous and wants to know more – and wants to know how he, too, can get that result. I tell him I can talk to him later about it and that he can change if he really wants to. I figure he might develop more interest in changing by watching how I now operate. I figure to come back and establish heart-to-heart communication with him and to explain things to him.

During the check-out-in-character process, my family members all tell me more about how they operate and what they feel as they see me make my transition.

Then, I thank them for playing the various roles, release them from these roles and welcome them back as Tribe members and friends. Then we check out as Tribe members.

Everyone says they find the process valuable and several people say they feel weary from all the work.

Later that night, I feel weary and also very peaceful. I notice a lack of tension that I usually carry around with me. I get into bed and find myself drifting off to sleep, peacefully.

This morning, I wake up, still feeling peaceful and decide to write this report while I still have it fresh in my mind.

I wish to thank my Tribe and my Process Manger for helping me to get through to the other side of this one.

Ed,

I notice that the success of both of these common, well-known, appliances is "to follow the now" and neither tries to predict the future.

Cheers,

Escaping from the Now

Dear Chief,

Love and greetings.

I come across an academic study http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/psp/108/2/336/ that tests a couple of hypotheses about factors affecting a person's "meaning in life".

The abstract appears to show that people ascribe more meaningfulness to their lives when they think of the past or the future, instead of the now. And they fell better as well when they think of other places than where they are now. Could this be Fred engineering our dramas and prompting us to abandon living in the now? Or do i misunderstand this? I would love to hear your perspective on this.

Thank you very much.

With love and regards,

you student.

Female comedy quartet:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/BKezUd_xw20?rel=0

More Drugs

Good morning Ed,

I would like to share this article with you and the tribe.

The Nature of the MDMA Experience and Its Role in Healing, Psychotherapy, and Spiritual Practice

http://www.maps.org/research-archive/mdma/revision.html

It takes a while to read. I notice that the author mentions the lossening of emotional knots (similar to your use of the term) after a couple sessions of MDMA therapy.

I wonder what you think about using MDMA for healing. As opposed to or in conjunction with tribe work.

Hope all goes well for you.

Regards,

I'm reading the book Market Wizards and just finished the chapter that's about you. Your responses appealed to me - amongst others your comment on getting someone with skill to help if you want to win - and I want to reach out and check if you might be willing to assist me in learning more about trading.

I have worked on learning about investing and trading - but I still feel I lack mentoring from somebody who is really knowledgable. Anything that could put me on a good learning path would be appreciated. I feel I need to develop a better technical market understanding and trading approaches that are long term robust. But it's less clear how to obtain the knowledge I desire in order to become a more successful trader.

A little about me - I'm 39, Norwegian, living in Oslo, Norway (but I'm in Houston, Texas right now till Thursday morning before going back home), Bachelor in Business, I run my own consulting business focusing mainly on management for hire assignments (no employees), and I try do develop my trading skills on my spare time besides some interests like excercising and spending time in nature.

Best regards

Thank you for what you do. Thank you for continuing the Trading Tribe Process.

I take several weeks to sit down and finally write this e-mail. So many thoughts fill my head that I should include so you understand my entire situation. I think that the e-mail will be too long so days continue to go by and I don't send anything.

I spend the last several weeks getting back up to speed with FAQ. I am in a dark place personally. I can explain logically all the reasons I should feel great. However, I don't feel great.

As I sit at the desk and think about what to type, I notice my fists balled up tense on the desk like I am about to pound it. I recall pounding the dinner table like that in the past when I get mad at my kids (boys 7 and 9). I have already passed the scream when you are angry rock to them. I don't want to f--k them up anymore.

I haven't felt joy in a very long time. Everything is a waste of time because I am going to die at some point anyway. I just don't want to put my s--t on anyone else. They didn't ask for it. My kids didn't ask to be born. I am an a--hole for passing along my bulls--t My wife is great. She wants to see me happy. I feel terrible that I am not. She deserves better.

I try to think of fun activities to do. My wife encourages this with me. I don't think of anything that would be fun. I remember as a kid being super excited for certain events and then thinking "well it will be over soon" and then feel bad / sad / let down. Sometimes this would happen during the fun times and at times even before the fun ever began. My father and brother have a fairly negative outlook on a lot of things.

I want an awesome life. I have tried talk therapy. I have tried a holistic doctor that provided lots of neurotransmitters for me to take.

Ed, what might I consider at this point?

-----Ed,

This is a follow up to an e-mail I sent about 1 hour ago.

I recall when I was seven years old, I put a belt around my neck and attached it to the top of the bathroom door. I am basically looking to hang myself at only seven years old. The setup could not hold my weight. My family does not know that I tried this. I don't recall attempting to hang myself since that time three decades ago.

As a young child, I also recall hitting my hand on the bathtub trying to break a bone. I also recall playing doctor or hospital with other kids. I always wanted to play the injured part.

I think about the idea of wanting to be hurt to get attention. However, I don't really like attention. I generally push people away and prefer to be left alone. I have a desire for very close and tight bonds with others but I perceive most as just seeking superficial relationships. Additionally, I have trouble letting others in to my world as I judge it as really f--ked up at this point. My life is spent trying keep up the illusion that everything is OK and not let others in on the fact that I am a mess.

I want my life to improve while not letting many people see that I am f--ked up and pass judgement on me (perhaps give me attention). I say that I don't care what others think about me but it seems that I do to some extent.