My family rejects her since She stays with me during my freefall. They blame her and I encourage the blame by not defending her and by telling people my worries and my state of mind in general. The people around me reject her. I play the hurt person around people and they look out for me. [Name] takes the burden of this act.

I want us to live together for most of the year if not all the time. I want support from my family for our relationship and for her well being and my well being. I want us to have a safe place to live and also a getaway home where we can have another safe and comfortable place to live if things heat up. I want us to have a safe house in San Francisco that we own. The house has a patio with grass in an upscale but friendly neighborhood close to chinatown, the pier with the aquarium and also the shopping district with the macy's. (I will ask [Name] to fill in the details about location). I want us to have a comfortable amount of cash to support ourselves ($100,000 for now) that we aquire by serving others and ourselves.

I play the role of provider of shelter, funds, food and receiver and provide the seeds. She waters the plants. I share intimate relationships and (with the option that we can role play control centric relationships if she agrees). She provides me nurturing, unwavering emotional, and mental support. We share our thoughts and feelings. She keeps the house warm, the kitchen warm and the bedroom warm. We receive each other. I would like for her to stay physically, emotionally and spiritually faithful to me. I want her as an integral part of my tribe.

I play the father head role. I provide for myself and for my Tribe. People no longer see me as the poor hurt little boy. I play a strong and smart active male figure. People around me look up to me. They see my girlfriend/wife. They see the support and the love she gives me. They see how loving and caring I treat her and how well I provide for her. We make an unbreakable team. She and I stay at the top of our game. We help others and give them nourishment. We help others to accept themselves for their special gifts. We recruit like minded people and create a strong support network of individuals. Our Tribe members come from around the world. We create bonds and friendships that last our lifetime and we pass down these Tribal bonds to the next generations.

I devote 2 hours a day to work on my system. I create the model. I have my programmer write me a program for my system, that I can easily use to backtest and find the optimal solution. The most reward for the greatest amount of risk I can afford.

I begin to define indicators I want to use and variables and parameters. and I cannot think straight. I would like to defragment my brain.

I sit with a friend and we discuss how I fair at work. Enthusiasm, seeps out of me as I speak about how surprisingly agreeable my work life and environment are. The position of accountant's assistant, at a growing high-end wood flooring construction company, suits me well. To company owner's and management's relief and surprise, their decision to hire me, with no experience in construction accounting, and very little accounting work experience, I learn quickly the construction accounting software and produce/contribute to the well being of the company sooner than they anticipate.

I hear rumors of a raise in the horizons that is to come to my way since the company owners, worry I may take my new found knowledge construction accounting, billing and software, to another company who willingly pay me more than what I currently earn.

The project manager, the owner's right hand man, brings my awareness that the heads of the company and him including, want me to take over the primary accounts position. I smile, and nod, what an outstanding compliment, I have been with this company for 1 month.

As I speak with my friend, I share my concern over managements encouragement of me replacing the primary account, the man I assist, who headed the process of getting me hired, and created my position by having repeatedly complained and asked for an assistant to help with his work load.

I want to earn more but I do not want the responsibility of a leader or head of department. I do not want that spotlight or exposure that comes with position of leader or head. The thought of the scrutiny of conduct and decisions, the stress, over potential doom, failures or mistakes, the responsibility, shame, backlash and/or embarrassment of outcomes (decisions) that result in failures, oversight, or mistakes, feels unbearable to me.

The blood drains from my cheeks, the close lips turn down in a frown, my brows, and forehead furrow into a frown of concern, dread and panic. I feel the dread in my throat, my throat muscles contract and in the middle of my throat passage, a lump or rock jams the passage, it is hard for me to swallow. My breath is a rapid, warm, and shallow. I lean forward in my seat as I feel dread settle in my stomach and feel the energy drain from my muscles (arms, legs). I place my elbows on my knees, my head hangs, as I cradle it between the cusp of my clammy palms.

To assist is less grave, since I am not responsible for failures, negative outcomes, and I do not want to give up any more of my time and energy to work, I enjoy and treasure my after work leisure hours. In the background, I feel comfortable. I realize that in previous opportunities or events which put me in the spot light, and require me to take on a lot of responsibility\ownership over outcomes, panic, fear, and dread set in and I either decline, hide, buckle, get defensive, or flee.

The situation I want:

I use proactive solutions to my feelings. I would also like to find a different way to deal with my feelings when life moves fast.

What I share with you next feels highly personal to me. Please keep this to yourself unless you feel that this may be a great help to others.

I have shame, fear, anger, sadness, and probably other emotions related to this. I share this with you so that I can first admit to myself what I have trouble admitting. I pray that this helps me. I read the post on April 15, 2013 "Women Prefer Tribe Members". I see the picture you attach of a lovely woman and her smile that lights and lift my heart. I would like to make [Name] that happy. This post gives me strength to type this to you.

I would like to admit what I want so that I may experience this feeling of what I want. I pray the truth sets me free and I gain the strength to live freely and to promote freedom for [Name] first and forthmost and then myself and my family.

I feel my heart beat. I have a frown on my face. As I think of telling you this and I see a way for my feelings to open up my eyes tear and I feel the corners of my lips turning up into a smile. I can make her happy. I would like to dedicate my life to something greater than myself.

In my dream, when you ask me what I want. In my head I think "I want to have a bigger dick so I can abuse her with it". As I type this I feel my face go back into a frown my eyebrows furrow and I feel blood vessels. I feel blood trickle in the vessels of my right leg on the back part below my buttocks.

I lay on my stomach, my face still in with furrowed brows and pouting lips. I rest my head on my forearm.

I would like to join a Tribe where I can find safety to let out my feelings, take part to build a safe community that encourages and promotes freedom of expression. I would like to marry [Name]. I want my wife to have a deserving husband and I would like to step into that role. I love her, provide for her and protect and share intimate moments with her. I see myself with a Tribe once a week, and when I come home, [Name] greets me with a warm smile. On some days she cooks at home and bring the tribe a meal after we have our meeting. I work to keep our lines of communication open and to establish rapport with her to receive her fully and unconditionally. I would like to hold myself accountable for my actions and I may need Tribe to get me to see what I would rather keep hidden from myself. I work to provide income for our family. I find work in San Francisco to build something with others. I would like to build a community. I build myself from the ground up.

I keep myself away from drugs and other medicinal response patterns.

I think about fear which I feel in the past I feel my light slowly dimming a little. I want a way to proactively deal with my fear.

As I type this I find my spirit rising. I think about what others may think of me and I feel some fear of judgement but I also have tears in my eyes from the feeling that others may benefit from my pouring my heart out. I feel pressing on both sides of my head.

Apprehensive about big jumps in success. I feel like being wildly successful might somehow make me 'bad".

When I am faced with big jumps in baseline success in trading / success happens quickly, once I realize the implied windfall by projecting out X months, years etc. I become preoccupied with maintaining outlier performance as the standard and engage in excessive risk/poor risk management/poor execution / errors (code, calculation, implementation etc) . Losses are the typical result, I then ​question my worth and ability.

A climb that starts slow, accelerates to impressive heights then crashes:

I trade well for many weeks in a row, even months. I make money nearly every day. I begin a run with small percentage wins each day and careful implementation. I am trading well and in a way that is congruent with my systems, my research and my beliefs. It feels great and the results are great.
​
As the days go on I am more apprehensive and overconfident at the same time.​
I am focused on making EVERY TRADE a winning trade and taking more and more risk.

I feel greedy and competitive.
I feel aggressive and rushed.​
I keep winning by forcing wins through lopsided risk/reward trades and feel afraid.

I am attached to the idea of how much I will make if I continue doing well.
I'm not trading properly now but still "winning", I only want to win.It feels like binging on drugs or sex. I am taking trades I don't relate to and that have no known or tested expectation.

I'm tired.

I am losing now. Today. I "come to" after a series of massive losses in a day or one huge loss.

I stop trading for a while to think about why intend to do well then suddenly intend to win then intend to lose.

I reflect and learn.

I restart the cycle.

While I continue to grow a great deal in my ability to express myself, I see areas where I hold back and block myself from free, open creative expression.

A specific area where I see this is in my practice of the musical instrument I began playing almost two years ago. I should say "in my lack of practice", because I notice that I give up in frustration when I do not correct a mistake and easily make progress.

I believe that making a mistake triggers shame and humiliation in me, as if I reveal that I am not good enough (and never will be). While I have released myself from this belief in many areas of my life, and can freely express myself including mistakes, I still judge my creative expression such as music or art more harshly.

I feel as if I lack some essential ingredient necessary for being "good enough" in those areas. I feel inadequate and unworthy.

I practice my instrument regularly, with gusto and pleasure. I enjoy working on areas where I want to improve and I feel satisfaction with both my effort and with my performance, however "good" it is.

I improve my skills to the point where I feel comfortable playing with others and enjoy the feeling of sharing a musical experience in a supportive environment. I play my instrument with others on a regular basis, twice or at least once a month.

When learning something new, if it doesn't come easily to me then I ​frequently get upset & stop.

A specific example is learning a new programming language or a complex piece of new software. I "find reasons to stop" instead of persevering.

I have little skill in playing my instrument.

I rely on others for my financial well being.

I rely on others for my financial well being.

I do not know how to code.

I do not know accupressure. I have some knowledge of the human body.

I have an off again on again relationship with my GF.

I have a bit of knowledge on martial arts.

I do not track my daily activities. I do not have enough daily activities to track.

I have mastery on the keyboard and piano and saxophone. I express myself unconditionally with these instruments.

I enjoy making money and watching my bank account rise. I enjoy spending money on loved ones. I enjoy the process of coming up with ideas, implementing my ideas, and enjoying the fruits of my efficient labor.

I help others help themselves. I keep myself safe.

I know coding enough to make a decent living with side projects. I enjoy coding. I code and run my trading system.

I master my own body. I have extensive knowledge and skill in repairing and optimizing the human body. I use my skills to keep my loved ones healthy. I keep my body in optimal condition. I express my inner philosophy through my bodily forms and movement.

I have a steady relationship. I stay loyal to her. I see her and I accept her. She stays loyal to me. She sees me and she accepts me. We receive each other.

I master the techniques of Tai Chi, boxing, and silat. I study other martial arts. I blend these styles. I have my own style that suits me. I practice this everyday. I enjoy my practice. My spirit shines.

I sleep 8 hours each day with the option of max 2 hr afternoon nap. I spend 2 hours training my body and practicing movements. I spend 1 hr a day maximum for leisure/unproductive mindless music youtube watching. I practice music for 1 hour per day. I code/work on my system for 5 hrs a day. I clean up my living space for one hr a day. I cook for 1-2 hrs a day (also multitask while cleaning). I spend 2+ hours with my gf if she allows me to do so.

Currently, my trading results are inconsistent. I have profitable days, but also unprofitable ones - sometimes the equity drawdown is very high relative to account size. On the days that I am unprofitable, I often over-trade. I have a tendency to chase the market on these days. Oftentimes, I miss a move and they try to make up for "lost time" by being too aggressive and/or take the opposite trade hoping for a trend change. This most frequently occurs on strong uptrending days. Additionally, I try to capture each and every tick in the market, feeling overly confident in my belief in what is going to happen next - which usually results in account churn and more losing trades. I mistake action for progress, feeling that I need to do something otherwise I'm not getting anywhere.

And when I am on the right side of the trade on such days, my expectations for major market movements are too high - I have a tendency to think the market will move much further than it actually does. And finally, after profitable days and/or weeks in the market, I often become over-confident and euphoric, thinking about how many lots I can begin trading and how vast my profits will be. This euphoria often takes me out of the correct mindset for trading.